


Buried Beneath

by CuckooTrooke



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Body Image, Cheating, Cutting, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fame, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Heavy Angst, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:29:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 75,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7447858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuckooTrooke/pseuds/CuckooTrooke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Lambert has achieved everything he has ever wanted; He's an international superstar in music, double Grammy winner and a frontman for Queen.<br/>But what happens when someone, Sauli, manages to slither underneath his skin and see through his false disposition Adam offers to the rest of the world? </p>
<p>Mostly, what happens when fame destroys you, painfully piece by piece, and you're left with nothing but your own pain? Is there anything Sauli can do for this mysterious man who stole his heart already at hello? And who hasn't had life that easy himself..</p>
<p>
  <b>I do not in any shape or form believe this is true, or has ever happened to Adam. This is all fiction</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buried Beneath

**Author's Note:**

> **Guess who's back? Back again**
> 
>  
> 
> **THIS IS NOT MY TAKE ON ADAM'S REAL LIFE AND I DO NOT BELIEVE ANY OF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO HIM. IT'S ALL FICTION. SOMETHING I NEEDED TO LET OUT**
> 
>  
> 
> OMG, I'm so sorry I haven't written ANYTHING for a while. But now I finished my long-time project, it took months and months to make it good enough for myself to accept, but me and my beta did it. So please read below, 
> 
> **ATTENTION!**  
>  *This fic goes to dark places. This stuff is something I have never attempted to write before, so if you're expecting a giddy fiction I normally do, you're wrong. And this is LONG (see the words), so if you don't want/can't stand long fics, you probably should go. But give it a shot, come on.  
> *If you can't read severe self-harm fics, this isn't for you.  
> *Who am I kidding, this is also very cute and fluffy sometimes !  
> *Once again, thank you for my amazing beta, xGlamDreamerx, who struggled through this with me ♥ Go and read her own fics too.  
> *PLEASE 'ENJOY', I promise 90% that I'm not going to let you down. If you're into this kind of stuff, that is. 
> 
> **This fic got its inspiration from the documentary _Amy_ , and I just started building stuff around a pained soul. I combined a lots of stuff I saw around me, so if you see quote by Amy or MJ, credit for them and all my love for them. Songs like Illusion by VNV Nation, Skin by Sixx A.M. and Buried Beneath by RED inspired a lot.

"Can I sit here?"

Adam glanced up, seeing a fine young man looking down at the empty booth Adam was sitting in all alone. It was a pretty typical night for him.

"Yeah, sure." He replied and hung his head back down, caressing the stem of his wine glass.

The blonde sat down and looked at the empty glasses on the table. It was either this guy was dumped by someone and was now drowning his disappointment in alcohol, or he had a devastating crush on someone he couldn't have.

"I'm Sauli." The man introduced and Adam looked up. Sauli smiled at him understandingly, "I know break ups suck."

Adam laughed, shaking his head. It was actually ironic how he managed to look that desperate to a complete stranger while everybody else around him seemed to think his life was picture perfect. And even more ironic was how mental pain was always attached to love, like there wasn't any other cause.

Adam hadn't been in a relationship for the past few years. In fact, he was pretty lonely in that prospect. Every night and every hour of the day.

But it wasn't really the worst thing in his life. There were other things, much bigger and much harder to deal with. Things that no one, but someone who had gone through them, could imagine.

Adam is famous.

He had a great career; many award nominations and wins, amazing, protective fans and the possibility to perform and share his music. But then there were other things that came along with that fame; the bad press, the rumors and gossip, the pressure of his schedule, the pressure of his body image, the stress, the lack of privacy and the fear of career plunges.

You had to get acquainted to people monitoring your life. People are constantly around you one way or another, but still no one seemed to hear you scream. And Adam didn't want to sound like an ungrateful bastard, because he wasn't, but the glamorous picture reflected for people to gawk at was only a glossed over version the raw truth. It was hard.

"No, I'm... I haven't broken up with anybody." Adam said.

"Oh." Sauli frowned, "Then why the long face?"

Adam chuckled dimly, shaking his head. He didn't want to talk about this with a stranger, probably not with anybody.

"It's okay," Sauli said understandingly, "Sorry if I'm too pushy."

Adam waved it off, "Nah, I'm happy someone wants to talk to me. Though I'm not very delightful to be around; I seem to have a tendency to piss off the people around me. What are _you_ doing in a club alone on a Sunday night?" Adam asked, wanting to veer the conversation away from him.

Sauli shrugged.

"My fiancé is abroad due to his job. I'm feeling a bit lonely."

Adam arched a dark eyebrow. His face was enough to tell Sauli that he had misinterpreted his words. He wasn't here looking for someone to cheat on his fiancé with. Maybe just someone to talk to; he didn't have many friends here in LA yet.

"What, you mean like...?" Adam asked in a low tone, and then gave a face that could mean nothing but sex.

"No!" Sauli laughed, "I'm not here for sex. I respect and love my boyfriend too much."

Adam hummed. Admirable. He wished he had someone like that in his life. Someone to share his life with, who would care for him and love him as a whole, with the good and the bad. And he demanded his rights to free cuddling, too.

"How long had your boyfriend been gone now?"

"Two weeks. And two more to go." Sauli sighed, "I just moved here recently with him. I have no friends so... I'm feeling very lonely. All my friends are back in Finland."

Adam nodded. They were both feeling miserable, maybe for different reasons, but they might as well feel miserable together. It would be more bearable.

"Wait here." Adam said and left the booth. He went for the bar and ordered two margaritas, took a long gulp from one and handed Sauli the other drink.

"Thanks." Sauli grinned "But I'm buying the next one."

Adam smiled, approving. He was getting drunk with a hot guy. It was better than a night at home all alone. Or a night in a bar all alone.

"So... You're telling me you're not in a relationship?"

Adam shrugged, lips tight against his glass. He didn't really want to talk about his love life with Sauli, but he was still hoping that they end up having sex. But then it would mean Sauli would cheat on his boyfriend...

God! When did he become such an ignorant, selfish dick? Wishing for a hot guy to cheat just for him. But when you've been lonely for months, let alone years, you long for contact. Maybe just a brush of fingertips on your skin. You just want to feel like wanted. Whatever that meant.

Sauli sensed the unease Adam was feeling.

"I didn't catch your name."

Adam snapped out of his thoughts and noticed he had drank his whole margarita in one, long gulp.

"Huh?"

"I said I didn't catch your name." Sauli said, eyebrows furrowed together and lips twitching into an amused smile.

"Oh, it's Adam." Adam rushed out, "And Adam is a little tipsy."

Sauli nodded, slowly. He couldn't help but chuckle at the way Adam acted. He was more than just a little tipsy, he was drunk obviously.

He watched the brunette wave at the bartender and get himself another margarita. Man, he was going to be crawling home if he kept downing alcohol like that.

"Uhm... Not to be pushy or anything but... What are you escaping from? Nobody drinks like that alone." Sauli said.

Adam huffed, "I do. You know..." _No, you don't know. You don't know anything just like nobody else does_. "Being single is boring the hell outta me." He shrugged. When did he get so good at lying?

Sauli nodded again. He felt like he shouldn't be interfering in Adam's personal life. Not that it was his intention, but there was a feeling in his gut telling him to let it be and not poke around.

He'd be really pleased to just have Adam as a friend.

"So... You just recently moved to LA? Do you like it here?" Adam asked, out of curiosity, and the sake of keeping up the conversation.

"I'm adapting. Slowly, though. It's been rough to be here all alone, so I finally decided to go out." Sauli took a sip from his margarita, gazing into Adam's eyes. Adam's eyes were so beautiful; a swirl of electrifying blue and grey and azure and about a thousand shades of blue clashing together.

He shouldn't be thinking that.

"To find a friend from a bar? Sounds far-fetched." Adam said, "Usually when you go to a bar alone, you're either very miserable or in desperate need for a great fuck."

Sauli choked on his drink, his cheeks flushing bright red. He wasn't used to hearing such things being said right in his face and with such an effortless voice. His boyfriend tried it once, and it only ended up turning Sauli off. It came out so un-naturally.

Adam chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. Oh, he could have been a little less obscene once again for sure.

"Sorry. I don't usually watch my language or the things I say. I have no filter." He said.

Sauli waved him off, coughing in between.

"It's fine. I'm not shy or anything, I was just surprised."

Adam grinned, looking at the crimson hue decorating Sauli's gorgeous face now.

"Not shy, huh? But you're all flushed. You must have a thing for dirty talk."

"You are trespassing into my personal space." Sauli kindly informed and gave Adam a small smile that was a mix of 'You're right' and 'Fuck you'.

Adam bit back a smile.

"Sorry. I usually talk before I think. It's even worse when I'm drunk." He apologized, glancing towards the other side of the pub. A few people were staring at him. If they were going to walk to the DJ now, Adam will die. Just for one night, he wanted to escape his career and everything that reminded him of it.

Besides, hearing his own music in a bar or pub was a little too awkward.

And he didn't want Sauli to know he was famous. It could scare him away. Adam loved singing, and he was forever grateful he had the chance to do that for a living, but sometimes he wished he could just be like everyone else. No paparazzi, no people who continuously wanted to know where he was, and no pressure of crazy schedules.

"None of us have filter when we're drunk." Sauli remarked and Adam gave a lopsided smile.

"You said your boyfriend is out of town? Why?"

The question didn't sound as nosy and blunt in Adam's head as it did coming out of his mouth, and he frowned.

"He's an actor. He's filming a movie in New Zealand." Sauli said with a casual tone and took a sip of his margarita.

"He famous?" Adam asked, suddenly curious about the guy.

"Why should I tell you?" Sauli asked with a daring smile, "You could be some creep who will rattle everything to the press tomorrow."

Adam almost smiled again.

"So he _is_ famous?"

"I was just messing with you. No, he's not that famous. And even if he was, it wouldn't matter. I'd still not tell you anything, you're just a stranger." Sauli said, flashing a mischievous smile.

Adam looked at him for a moment then chuckled, shaking his head.

"What?"

"Nothing. I like your loyalty." Adam admitted. It was always refreshing to hear things like that being said. Fame was, after all, just something that stepped in the picture with a singing or acting career, for example. Still it played a bigger role in life than many would like.

"So... What do you do for a living?" Sauli asked, "Since you are here on a Sunday night."

Adam thought about his answer for a minute. He could just lie. There was a chance he wouldn't see Sauli ever again, so this could be a chance to be someone else than who he really was.

"You can guess."

"Porn?" Sauli suggested with a neutral face, and watched as Adam cracked up, shaking his head rapidly.

"Do I look like a porn star?"

"How does a porn star look like during spare time?" Sauli asked, "But naw, usually when people tell someone to guess their profession or something, they are either embarrassed or in denial."

"I could put myself in the latter category tonight." Adam said dimly and avoided Sauli's eyes, staring at his empty wine glass instead, "But you're good. Are you, like, a psychologist or something?"

"You can guess." Sauli fired back with a smirk and got up. He walked to the bar and ordered two drinks. Just white wine now. He was sure if Adam took another drink with tequila or vodka in it, he would pass out.

"Thanks." Adam said once Sauli reached the table and placed the other glass down in front of Adam, "Are you flirting with me?"

"I'm taken, don't you remember?" Sauli asked.

"That's really a shame." Adam shrugged and took a sip of his wine. Sauli didn't say anything to that.

Adam's stomach churned due to the excessive amount of alcohol he had downed tonight and he felt a sickening sensation inside of him. The small sip of wine he just took seemed to be too much for his body right now.

"Excuse me." He said, getting up and making his way to the bathroom on wobbly legs, straight into an empty cubicle.

Sauli waited, feeling uneasy under the heavy gazes of the people around him. They were staring and whispering. _What the hell? I'm not an alien_. Sauli thought with a frown.

When Adam came back, he wasn't nearly as smiley as he was seconds ago. He must have faced a wall for today and Sauli could totally see how it happened so soon.

"I think I need to go." Adam said, "Otherwise I'll find myself passed out on the street."

Sauli nodded, emptying his wine glass in one gulp. He grimaced a little at the taste of alcohol flooding his mouth and burning down his throat in such a big amount.

"Let me walk you to a cab. I can't leave you alone like that." Sauli said, worry lacing his voice. He got up and pulled out his phone to call a cab since Adam probably no longer even know where he was.

Adam stumbled unsteadily and Sauli barely prevented him from face planting into the floor.

"Geez, just hang on for a few minutes." Sauli said and started walking towards the exit, with Adam holding onto his arm for support. Just before they reached the doors Adam's hold tightened, turning into a bruising clutch which made Sauli almost push him away.

"Can we use the back door?" Adam asked all of a sudden, stopping dead in tracks before Sauli could open the door.

"What? Why? I don't think we're allowed to do that. I think they only let celebrities and such use them if they really need to." Sauli said and pushed the door open, almost yanking Adam out with him.

Adam held his breath until he could see the street. No paparazzi, no fans, no nothing. Thank God for that. On that very second he realized that, his grip around Sauli's arm loosened.

Still, he couldn't stop glancing around while they waited for the cab. Usually when he went out with his friends, they had their own car, but now he decided to skip it in hopes of not bringing any extra attention.

"Let's get you home, now." Sauli said when he saw their cab arrive.

"No... I don't wanna go home." Adam slurred and wrapped his arm around Sauli's shoulders, "Take me to your place."

Sauli rolled his eyes and wrapped his arm around Adam's waist. Adam was funny to a certain point - When he got past that point, he was mostly annoying. Like every drunk person. But he couldn't leave Adam alone, either. It wasn't something he could or would do.

"I don't think it's a good thing to hold my waist like that."

"Huh?" Sauli frowned.

"Nothing." Adam snapped under his breath, suddenly seeing a row of men with their professional cameras waiting in front of another club. Either someone more interesting was there or they thought Adam had gone there.

_Don't turn around, don't turn around, don't fucking turn around_. Adam kept repeating quietly to himself. Sauli decided he was just drunk like a skunk.

Once they were in cab, they settled on the backseat and Adam slumped against Sauli, relieved.

"What's your address?" Sauli asked, but got no reply. Just a cat-ish nudge and human-like purring, "Hey? You need to go home."

"No, no, no..." Adam pleaded, "Let me come with you, please. Home is a miserable, lonely place for me to stay in."

Sauli sighed, rubbing his face, "Fine. But just so you know, you will sleep on the couch."

Sauli gave the driver his address and they took off. Hesitating, he wrapped his arm around Adam's shoulders and stroked his hair, just like he would do to anyone who was clearly upset about something. He noticed how good dark brown locks smelled and he had to bury his nose there to get a proper sense of the scent.

"I don't do this during the day." Adam mumbled and Sauli barely heard him.

"Huh?"

"I'm not an alcoholic, if you're wondering." Adam clarified, "It only starts to hurt at night when I have nothing to do. Then I just lose it."

"You don't have to explain anything to me, you don't owe me anything." Sauli reassured and sighed. He had a feeling that his attempt to find some friends turned out to be not so good.

Once in Sauli's apartment, he supported Adam's body and took off his jacket then eased him down on the couch. Adam probably dozed off right away and Sauli made sure he was lying on his side. He draped a blanket on top of him and kindly pulled off his heeled boots.

"Can I sleep in your bed? We could do wicked things in your bed." Adam beamed and stretched out his legs, flexing his toes.

Sauli huffed, tossing Adam's boots aside, "In your wildest dreams, Casanova. Just focus on sleeping now. I'll leave a glass of water on the table for you."

"Cuddle meee." Adam whined in a pitiful voice and reached out his arms like a baby in need for a loving embrace.

Sauli ignored it and disappeared into the kitchen to get Adam a glass of cold water. He put it on the edge of the table in the living room and glanced at Adam's wasted facial expression. His eyelids were heavy but he was smiling smugly.

"I'm very good in bed." Adam said when he noticed Sauli was looking, "Though my skills are probably a bit rusty because no one wants me. So cuddle me?" he pouted. He will drown himself in his self-pity once again.

"Just sleep now." Sauli said, ignoring Adam's words once again, and tapped the top of his leg, "You need it."

~*~ 

Adam woke up and noticed on that very second that his head was killing him. The unfamiliar room was almost spinning and someone was beating his temples and forehead with a hammer.

"Ow fuck..." He groaned in a low tone and pushed himself up, holding his head with his other hand.

"You want coffee?"

And who the fuck was that? Adam squinted, glancing around until his eyes settled on a blurry figure, a man, blonde, standing close to the couch he was lying on. He was holding a cup of coffee and there was a gentle smile on his face.

"Uhm, yeah. Thanks." Adam said, taking the offered cup into his hands. But he only had to smell it and his stomach lurched in protest. He grimaced, pushing the cup away and soothing a hand over his stomach apologetically.

"No offense." He said.

Sauli chuckled, understanding. He wasn't surprised that Adam didn't want coffee or probably anything else either at the moment. Poor thing must have a killer hangover.

Adam stared at the guy, trying to remember who he was and what happened last night that ended up with Adam on his couch. He couldn't. 

"You don't seem to remember much, do you?" Sauli asked, noticing Adam's helpless expression, and sat on the arm chair near the couch.

"No. I'm sorry." Adam huffed in apology, feeling more than just a little embarrassed. He was massaging his temples again, trying to relieve some of the pain and remember something, anything, from last night, "Not even your name, I'm sorry." He ended up saying.

"It's Sauli. And you're Adam, in case you forgot yours."

Adam chuckled. He could see why he ended up in Sauli's apartment. He was charming; blonde, gorgeous face, muscular body, tan skin. He was just the type Adam would fuck any time if he was in the mood and not-

_Oh fuck_. **Fuck**.

Adam's smile vanished, "Did we...?"

"No. You wanted, though, you were practically begging for it once we got to my place. You didn't seem to care that I'm taken." Sauli told him, crossing his arms, "Besides, I wouldn't kick you out of my bed if we had slept together."

"Oh, yeah, now I remember." Adam said under his breath and rubbed his eyes, "I'm so sorry, you have no idea. Of course I respect your relationship."

Sauli gave him a kind smile, "It's okay. We had a great talk."

"Did we?"

"Not really." Sauli teased.

Adam chuckled again even though it increased the pounding in his head, "Very nice; kick someone who's already down." he said, glancing around himself but the movement proved to be too much and he groaned.

"I'm sorry." Sauli said then, gently, and went back to the kitchen. He popped a painkiller from the medicine cabinet and placed into Adam's hand along with a bottle of water. It was probably all he could take down anyway.

"Thanks. Though it probably won't help much." Adam grimaced and drank down the pill, "You know... I wouldn't have taken a stranger like me to my apartment if I were you. Considering I was in desperate need for sex. And I could've been a serial killer or something for all you knew."

Sauli smiled. Adam was too adorable to be a serial killer, especially now; with his hair all over the place and his make-up smudged. He was dazzling in all meaning of the word. And he should really stop thinking that.

"You looked the farthest thing from dangerous or threatening." Sauli said, "More like a kitten in need for a hug."

Adam snorted, rubbing the back of his neck, something he did when he was nervous or embarrassed. And if this wasn't embarrassing, then he didn't know what was.

"Do you maybe-"

Adam's phone buzzed, still in his pocket, cutting Sauli off, and he pulled it out to see who it was, barely managing to stiffle his groan. He looked at Sauli apologetically and the blonde understood, disappearing into the kitchen to give Adam some privacy and started making breakfast, humming quietly to himself.

"You're probably not up for breakfast?" He asked when he heard Adam got off his phone.

"No, thanks. I think I'll head home... Thanks for letting me crash here." Adam replied, grimacing when he caught a glimpse of his reflection on his phone screen. Sauli came into the living room with a healthy-looking breakfast.

"You don't have to go. Sober your head, first. Being in a car while hung-over can be stuffy and uncomfortable." Sauli reminded and sat down on a chair, pulling the table closer to him so he could eat properly.

"That is true." Adam agreed, "Mind if I use the bathroom?"

"Be my guest. It's the left door in the corner."

Adam got up, cursing under his breath when his vision blurred for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before he was able to walk again a little more steadily.

He peed, sighing as the throbbing pressure eased off his bladder then washed his hands and grabbed the sink.

"Prepare yourself." he mumbled before he peeked from beneath the locks of his hair and saw his face from the mirror. He nearly whimpered when he saw his reflection properly and not just from his phone screen. His make-up was caked, the carefully applied foundation completely ruined, and his hair was all over the place.

He didn't have any proper facial wash in reach, so he just used warm water to wash it all off then splashed his skin with cold water.

He wanted a tooth brush so bad, but he wasn't touching any of the ones in the cabinet. He did use the mouth wash, though. Sue him. He was sure his breath reeked of alcohol and just ugh.

He then ran a wet hand through his wild hair to tame it a little. At least he now looked a little human instead of a zombie, though he didn't really feel comfortable without a layer of make up on his face.

Sauli was still eating when Adam came out of the bathroom and he nearly dropped his fork when got a glimpse of Adam's freshened complexion.

He managed not to drop it, though. But damn, Adam was _beautiful_. Sauli was taken, yes, but he could always look. There was no point in denying beauty when you see it.

"You don't have to be awake, you know. You can continue your beauty sleep. You'll feel better once you've woken up." Sauli offered, "I'll probably watch TV for a while, but that shouldn't bother you. Then I'll hit the gym. You can leave whenever you wake up."

Adam just smiled and settled on the couch, closing his eyes.

A few of hours later when he woke up, he noticed a note on the floor next to his jacket. It had Sauli's number on it and a text:

_If u ever want to talk I'm still up for new friend :)_

~*~ 

Sauli didn't expect Adam to call or text him, but he was still disappointed when a week had passed and it was radio silence on Adam's part. It shouldn't even be a big deal, but he still hoped Adam would call. Maybe he should've asked for Adam's number earlier that night so he could call instead, but since he was taken, Adam probably wasn't interested in getting to know him.

But one night Sauli found himself thinking of Adam. His fluffy hair, his beautiful eyes and his adorable smile. Sauli allowed his thoughts to drift, but shook himself out of it when an image of Adam's hands flashed in his mind suggestively.

Sauli was sitting in the corner of a club alone, contemplating what he should do for the time being. His cousin was visiting him in a few days, thank God, because otherwise he was sure he'd lose his damn mind. Being alone was an absolute no for his extrovert self. He was a social butterfly by nature, he needed communication and human contact like oxygen.

Adam wasn't the only person in Hollywood, let alone, in Los Angeles, so what were the odds of Sauli seeing him again? He didn't even get his last name.

With a heavy sigh, Sauli headed to the bar and ordered a glass of water. He wasn't really in the mood for alcohol right now.

"He comes here almost every day." The bartender said. At first Sauli didn't realize she was talking to him, but the words were clearly meant for him, if the blank stare she was giving him said anything.

"Huh?"

"The superstar. I saw you here on Sunday night, and I know you're waiting for him to come." The bartender said and gave Sauli a smile.

"What? I'm sorry, but I don't know who you're talking about. Maybe you've mistaken me for someone else." Sauli kindly informed and grabbed his glass, about to head back to his booth.

"The guy with the sexy hair and gorgeous blue eyes. Drunk as a skunk by the end of the night." The bartender added and her words stopped Sauli dead in his tracks. The whole situation seemed very creepy. She was apparently talking about Adam, but...

Sauli approached the bar again, leaning against it, "Look, miss, I-"

"Emily, please."

"Emily." Sauli amended, "I don't know what you're talking about. Adam is..."

"A famous singer." Emily finished for him and Sauli's frown got deeper, "I wouldn't have too high expectations for him, though, if I were you. You're not the only one after him." she added and nodded discreetly towards a booth where a man, around his mid-thirties, sat, drinking beer.

"I'm not- I'm in a relationship, and I don't see Adam as more than a friend." Sauli explained, probably more for his own sake than Emily's. He needed to stop thinking about Adam, God damn it!

"Whatever you say, gorgeous. Look over there." Emily continued and pointed to the other corner where a group of young boys were crowded, "Fan boys. We usually raise our security when Adam arrives so he can have some peace. But they're just like any other customers, they don't cling or force themselves onto Adam. They just like to look at him."

Sauli's head was spinning so hard he had to raise his hand to stop Emily from talking. He couldn't wrap his head around everything he was hearing at the moment. Adam? Famous? Fanboys? Stalkers? What _else_? And who would want to just stare at someone thorough the night? That was so creepy.

"So what are you saying? That Adam's famous? _How_ famous?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Emily smiled and gave a meaningful nod towards the door. Sauli glanced over and saw Adam enter the club, obviously sober now since it's early. He was wearing a pair of tight jeans with a grey shirt and the same leather jacket as last time.

There was a little bit of a fuss in the beginning but then everyone settled. Sauli waited for Adam to notice him, not wanting to approach him anymore for some reason. Even though Adam still thought he didn't know about his singing career.

When Adam noticed him, he spun around and pretended like he didn't see Sauli. But then he seemed to have second thoughts and made a bee line to Sauli's table, sitting down. Sauli was pleased to see he had one tequila margarita and a glass of water.

"Hey! Familiar faces here." Adam smiled, "I'm sorry I never called you, I-"

"You don't owe me an explanation." Sauli placated, "I get it. I'm taken, so I'd be no use for you anyway."

Adam gave him a small pout, and it made Sauli feel fuzzy inside. Like he had just seen a cute, little puppy he couldn't pet through bars or something.

"What do you think I am? A man eater?" Adam asked and sipped his margarita, brilliant blue eyes never leaving Sauli's, "But that's okay."

Sauli sighed quietly and glanced towards the door where he saw a bulky man, apparently Adam's bodyguard or something. Sauli thought only celebrities like Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian needed them almost every time they left their houses. Or that stars only had them in movies, not in real life.

Sauli wanted to ask about it, but then thought twice about it. He didn't want to alert Adam that he knew something about his career, otherwise Adam would think he had ulterior motives in getting closer to him.

"I really wanted to call you. But I've been very busy, actually." Adam said, rubbing the back of his, a habit, Sauli assumed, "And that was not a poor excuse."

Sauli believed him. He believed his words even more now that Emily told him a thing or two about Adam. Of course Adam was busy; he's a superstar.

"If you say so."

"I say so." Adam smiled and Sauli focused on the way his eyes seemed to radiate when he smiled like that. They were really captivating, and Sauli found his pulse quickening.

Damn. He should _not_ be thinking like that, or feeling any physical reactions because of Adam's presence.

"So, what have you been up to? Having phone sex with your fiancé 24/7?" Adam asked, in a seductive, playful tone, and grinned against his glass. Sauli felt his cheeks flush and cleared his throat, giving Adam a pointed look.

"You truly have no filter. And you're mostly sober, now." Sauli said with an amused smile and shook his head in disbelief, "Or at least I think you are."

Adam lifted his shoulder in a lazy, half shrug, leaving it for Sauli to decide. He wasn't drunk, he had just got here after a hectic day; running from interview to interview, and then to a TV appearance, followed by a small VIP concert.

He just needed to rid his mind from it all.

"I haven't been up to much, just hiking and going to the gym. Mostly I just stay home alone." Sauli went on with a small shrug of shoulders, like it wasn't a big deal to him, just something he's used to, "And you?"

He watched as Adam parted his lips to say something but seemed to swallow it back at the very last moment. His mouth just gaped open for a few seconds and he gestured with his hand like he was searching for something to say.

"Just... The usual. Hiked, went to the gym..." He said and downed his margarita in one go. Sauli arched an eyebrow in surprise, but then, he understood Adam in a way. He must've felt uneasy or uncomfortable and was just trying to calm his nerves.

"We should hike together, then, sometime." Sauli suggested with a smile, "My boyfriend hates hiking. He only runs on the treadmill."

And it was fine with him. It's okay to like different things, but then Sauli would love to hike on the hills with him and admire the city view. Apparently, that's too much to ask.

"That's a shame. I can't imagine myself using the treadmill instead of walking outside. The fresh air is vital to me." Adam said and pushed his empty margarita glass aside, focused on his water, now. Sauli had this energy about him that made Adam feel like he didn't need to run away from anything.

Sauli looked at him like he was just a regular person, talked to him like he was a regular person, and it felt so damn good to be treated like that.

"Yeah, me neither." Sauli agreed.

"Mm. And I say yes."

"Huh?" Sauli frowned.

"For the hiking." Adam smiled and took a gulp of his water, "We totally should go together sometime. It'd be a lot better than going alone, though I enjoy that, too."

Adam really had a such a beautiful smile. And Sauli needed to stop having these thoughts.

Adam tapped his fingers against the table surface and glanced around the packed dance floor. It was crowded enough for him to disappear in it if he wanted to.

"You wanna dance?" He blurted out before he could stop himself.

Sauli nearly choked on his own spit and shook his head. The idea was tempting, he was sure Adam, with such a lithe, lean body was a great dancer, but decided against it. He was taken; not that a taken person couldn't dance, but Sauli knew it would only make things complicated.

"I guess not." Adam chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck, definitely a habit, "Sorry."

"No, I just... I've been here for a long while, already. I think I'll just head home." Sauli rushed out because he hated seeing Adam so embarrassed when there wasn't even a reason to feel that way

Adam just nodded, dropping his hand. Of course Sauli would head home rather than step on a dance floor with him.

"It was nice to see you again. Please, call me sometime." Sauli smiled and stood up.

Adam nodded again, a small smile on his lips, but not the radiant, genuine one Sauli wanted to see.

"Did you come by in your own car?" Adam asked before Sauli could step away.

Sauli chuckled, "No. I don't have a car. And I don't dare to touch my boyfriend's car."

"You don't dare or he doesn't let you?" Adam asked dimly and he could see Sauli bite his lip, probably subconsciously, then shrug with a neutral expression.

"Well... It's a _Ferrari_." Sauli said. Truth is, his boyfriend doesn't let him drive it because Sauli barely knows the city. What kind of an excuse is that, anyway? You can't possibly know every city you will drive in in your life.

"So he doesn't let you. Trust at its best." Adam mumbled against his water glass and 80 percent of him didn't want Sauli to hear him. He just accidentally said it out loud, which wasn't that surprising considering he had no filter, what-so-ever.

But Sauli crossed his arms defensively and looked at Adam with a partly irritated expression, "Don't be such a dick."

"I'm sorry. Again." Adam apologized, "But Ferrari? I guess your boyfriend is quite an actor then."

Sauli just shrugged, "Trust me, he's not that big. And like I said last time, even if he was, it wouldn't matter in any way. There is only little you can get with money."

Adam's head shot up at that, and his eyes locked with Sauli's. Sauli felt that look hit him smack in the gut and he swallowed nervously.

"That's true." Adam's affirmative whisper was nearly lost in loud music. Adam quickly corrected his words, "Or at least so I'd imagine."

"Yeah." Sauli agreed and blinked, breaking the trance Adam's eyes put him in, "Anyway, I was about to go." he reminded and turned around before he could change his mind. He felt Adam grab his wrist and he turned back around without thinking.

"No, don't... Don't leave me alone." Adam pleaded and glanced towards the opposite side of the club, where a man sat there, nursing a drink and staring at him. He does nothing but stare, and though he might be harmless, the man's unblinking gaze still creeps him out. Especially now that he slid inside the bar without saying anything to his bodyguard.

Sauli followed Adam's gaze. But didn’t he bring a body guard with him? What could really happen? Sauli glanced at the door again. Maybe they are just general security then. 

"You're scared of him?"

"No." Adam snorted and pulled away. Sauli give him a firm look and arched his eyebrow, not missing the way the man licked his lips suggestively when he noticed Adam looking his way.

"Yes." Adam said, "Kind of. It's silly, right? And I'm not exactly a small guy."

"No, not at all. You could just walk with me if you want to. You live far away?" Sauli asked.

"Not exactly. But still too far to walk right now. You can go, I'll call someone to pick me up later."

The idea of Adam getting drunk and bringing some stranger to his home or going to some stranger's place made Sauli feel uncomfortable. He wasn't sure why, there were a few reasons, and none of them said that Sauli had an interest in Adam.

Once again, _stop_ thinking that. You barely know him! You're just attracted to his dashing looks...

... No, it's _not_ any type of attraction at all!

Sauli noticed Adam's lips moving but he didn't hear any of it. Adam paused, seeming to have caught up on the fact that Sauli wasn't listening to him. He arched a dark eyebrow questioningly.

"Sauli?"

Sauli blinked, "Huh?"

Adam let out an amused chuckle, "I was just saying that I had a pretty rough day today so I need to unwind a little, and I will call someone later to pick me up." He said and held up his margarita glass.

To Sauli, that didn't sound like a good idea at all. Partying is fine, Sauli was sure that everyone deep down loved to party and let go every once in a while, but getting drunk alone without anyone looking out for you sounds not only dangerous but _horrible_. It made Sauli wonder what was driving Adam into this... this desperation to run away from reality.

"No." Sauli said bluntly.

"No?" Adam questioned, eyebrows arched, his expression more annoyance now than joy.

"No, I mean... I don't want to imagine anything bad happening to you. And that is most likely if you get as drunk as you were the last time you were with me." Sauli said, trying not to sound too pushy or like a mother hen. After all, Adam was no one to him, and it wasn't his right to meddle with the man's business. He most definitely wasn't a fan, too, since he didn't even recognize him.

"I can take care of myself. I'm 25. And I've been drinking here long before I met you." Adam said as he stood up, intending to walk to the bar and order a shot of vodka or a few, but Sauli grabbed his forearm, which almost made Adam flinch.

"Don't do it. I can offer you an alternative way to zero your head."

"And what is that?" Adam asked, groaning almost.

"A friendly chat in my place with a glass of white wine?" Sauli suggested and he was just as surprised by his words as Adam was, "I'm in a relationship so no secret motives here. I'm not trying to get in your pants or anything." he continued, trying to convince both himself and Adam, and let go of Adam's arm.

Adam's annoyance turned into a mischievous, flirty smile.

"Mm, wouldn't mind if you did, though." He purred and Sauli felt his cheeks get hot. He was suddenly glad for the darkness so Adam couldn't see it.

"But I need you to behave yourself." Sauli said as steadily as he could but tried to slip some playfulness into it, "Comments like that are forbidden."

Adam's smirk didn't leave his face.

"Okay. Just a glass of wine and a good chat sounds good enough for me."

"Good. We can take a cab or walk. I don't live that far away." Sauli informed and briefly checked his phone. He had a message from his cousin, but he could reply to her later.

"I prefer a cab. My leg is a little sore from the gym, I might have over done it." Adam said and tapped his thigh, then pulled out his phone. He sighed, "Can you call a cab? I need to use the toilet and make a phone call. Work related."

"This late?" Sauli frowned. Adam gave him an apologetic yet helpless shrug and headed to the back of the club where the bathrooms were.

While Adam was in the bathroom, Sauli called a cab for them. He hoped the front of the club wasn't packed with paparazzi because that might just ruin everything he planned with Adam.

~*~ 

They got to Sauli's place without any problems. One boy wanted a picture with Adam outside the club and Adam let him, but told Sauli later that the boy probably mistook him for someone else.

Adam pulled off his boots, sighing in relief when he removed them. The sound was almost sexual to Sauli's ears, and he quickly disappeared into the kitchen to fetch two glasses and a bottle of wine and brought them to the living room, sitting down on the arm chair. Adam followed him and sat on the couch so he could stretch his legs.

Sauli eyed Adam's slim body. He was wearing a gray long-sleeved sweater under his jacket that made him look thinner than he probably was. And Adam indeed limped a little when he walked, so the gym injury probably wasn't just an excuse to use a cab.

"Does it hurt?" Sauli asked, "Your leg." he added when Adam gave him a small frown.

"Oh! No, not really. It only feels tender when I walk." He said and grabbed the other glass from the table. Sauli nodded in acknowledgement; he knew the feeling since he works out a lot. He poured wine for both of them, then relaxed back in his chair and propped his feet on the table.

"Your place is comfy." Adam smiled, looking around, "Small yet light and spacious."

"Thanks. And your place isn't?"

"Nah. Mine's almost too big for me." Adam shrugged and took a tentative sip from his glass, nodding approvingly, "This is good."

Sauli agreed, "It is. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Sauli chewed on his lip for a second, trying to find a good way to breach the subject he was thinking of. Adam's words reminded him of something he had said the last time they saw each other.

"When we took the cab on Sunday night... You said you didn't wanna go home because it's lonely and miserable for you. I was just thinking what made you say that?"

Adam stared at his hands, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. Sauli wasn't sure whether he was trying to come up with a lie or just trying to remember. He was pretty wasted back then, after all.

"I was drunk. I say a lot of things when I'm drunk." Adam shrugged and finally looked up, "Can't really tell why I said that. Maybe I just wanted to get laid pretty bad."

"Oh yeah, I remember that." Sauli chuckled, then became more serious again, "It's just that I found it pretty sad when you said it. Isn't home supposed to be warm and safe?"

Adam made a face, "I guess? I just get lonely there, that's all." he said, taking another sip of his wine and Sauli nodded in approval. Sauli has always been attracted to mysterious people, some way or another, but he just was.

"Can I ask one more question?"

"Sauliii, you promised me a friendly chat, not another interview!" Adam whined, sinking further into the couch and pouting, not even realizing what he said.

"I was just about to ask if you wanted something to eat." Sauli exclaimed in his defense, swallowing the previous question back down.

"Depends on what you have? I don't eat dairy products or junk food." Adam informed and gently tapped his stomach, "Though I still have plenty of cushion left. So no late night snacks."

Sauli nodded again, staring at Adam. He couldn't help but see how incredibly 'normal' Adam looked like, the casual clothes, the wind-ruffled hair, the natural make-up. Nothing that gave in the fact that he was a star.

And here he was, practically lying to him. He felt bad.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Adam asked, pointing to a photo on the bookshelf where Sauli was with a good looking hunk. He was taller than Sauli, his skin was slightly tanned, hair dark brown and spiked up.

He looked like one of those lads who live in the gym.

Sauli followed his gaze and nodded, "Yeah. That's him."

"He's a good looking pal."

"Yeah." Sauli sighed, and not in the dreamy way Adam expected, "But are _you_ really single? I find that very hard to believe."

Adam chuckled and nodded, grabbing the wine bottle and pouring himself another glass. It was so good! Sauli had great taste in wines.

"I'm as single as they come." Adam replied in a low tone, "And you ruined my chance to get laid tonight. I don't usually go to a taken guy's place." he winked.

"Even if he was willing to have sex?"

Adam choked on his wine.

"Not me!" Sauli immediately fixed and waited until Adam got his coughing under control, "I meant if someone else wanted."

Adam made a face and shook his head, "No. Cheating is disgusting and I don't want to be a part of it. Though it's hard to tell if one is taken unless they openly admit to it"

"Mm." Sauli hummed, agreeing to everything Adam just said. The more he talks with Adam, the more difficult it gets to believe he is single. Yes, Sauli doesn't know him well, but what he does know is that Adam is gorgeous, has a wicked sense of humor and is an easy person to be around and talk to.

"I always wonder what drives people to cheat. Like, I get it if your dick figuratively and almost literally starts pointing towards a good looking guy and you feel horny. But is that really worth ruining a real relationship?" Adam wondered out loud with a small frown.

"Maybe the relationship is unhappy?" Sauli suggested and watched as Adam shrugged with a blank expression.

"Then you should just break it off. I get that it can be difficult but... I just don't get it." he said and emptied the rest of his wine. He was about to reach for the bottle again when Sauli took it out of his reach with a grin.

"No more wine for you. Besides, you wanted to have sex with me last time we met." Sauli reminded and Adam opened his mouth to defend himself but couldn't find a good argument.

"You got me there." He said with a small smile and slouched on the couch since Sauli denied him his wine privileges. Which was actually a good thing, he had so much to do tomorrow.

"You still haven't told me whether you have a job here." Adam said and Sauli gave him a shrug.

"And you haven't told me what you do for a living." Sauli fired back with a mischievous smile.

Adam snorted, "You got me again." he said and stretched his tired arms, "You know, I'm actually pretty tired. I had a long day."

Sauli nodded understandingly, "I figured. You can, or actually you must, sleep on the couch."

Sauli got up and brought Adam a blanket and a proper pillow, then left him alone in the living room and went into his bedroom. He wanted to google Adam so bad but he still didn't know his last name. He would just have to go through all the Adams that google suggests.

Sauli shook his head and tossed his phone aside. He refused to be so desperate. And if he wanted to get to know Adam, then he wanted the Adam behind the fame.

~*~ 

In the morning Adam left before Sauli even woke up, but before he went he left a note; "I think you should check TMZ :( I'm sorry."

Adam found the links on his twitter feed, and when he clicked on one, it took him to TMZ where photos of him and Sauli were splashed. They weren't paparazzi photos, most likely taken with a cell phone camera. They did nothing but walk out of the club, but there was a photo from Sunday as well where Sauli had his arm around his waist.

Adam didn't just let people into his life. It was somewhat difficult to know which were genuine and not after his money or fame. He never dared text or call Sauli previously, although he wanted to.

And he didn't want to cause any trouble with Sauli's relationship paradise. He couldn't deny that Sauli was hot and very sweet, but Adam knew by now that he can't make anyone stay around.

He drove his best friends away, and it wasn't on purpose, but he got so anxious because of fame and his private life being splashed on front pages that he didn't want to see anyone. Because he felt like none of them understood him.

And then it got even worse because Adam realized that not only did he _feel_ lonely, he _was_ lonely. So he fixed his friendships the best he could, but kept shutting them out. Adam always asks how they are doing and forgets himself along the lines.

They see the same joker Adam offered for Sauli. So maybe he is to blame for everybody thinking his life was all happy and glamorous. He should let someone in, allow himself to be vulnerable.

But no. That was too scary a thought.

Adam was messing with his phone while he was getting his make-up done for an issue photo shoot. He read his twitter feed and his mentions, skipping the hate posts and the inappropriate ones because he was not in the mood for either of them.

Adam has it 'easier' today; three radio appearances and one performance. It wasn't too bad since they were all here in LA.

Travelling was what made things even more exhausting, but to be honest, he was tired. He has been on the run pretty much the past year and there was no end in sight. Which was good thing; Adam was really grateful for all the demand, but it drains all the energy out of him.

Adam wanted people around him, he really did, but he wanted them to offer him support and love and not the help Adam didn't want to receive.

Adam knew he had hit rock bottom in his personal life a while ago, and he knew he probably should do something about his depressing feelings and moody attitude, but he didn't have the energy to it. And the only person who could help him was he, himself. He wasn't really all that surprised that his unpredictable behavior exhausts his friends.

Adam was lead to the studio once make-up and hair were done. Physically, he was there, but mentally, he was lost somewhere else, although he kept posing for the camera like any professional would. His mind was on the TMZ photos.

After he was done with the photo shoot, he changed into his own clothes and left the building with his assistant. He waved at the fans waiting outside and flashed them a gentle smile, only to be nudged forward by his people and told that he had no time.

The fans were the last thing that ever bothered him. He was more bothered by the paparazzi and the bright flashing lights of their cameras. His ears filled with things like:

_"Adam! Is it true that you have found a new boyfriend?"_

_"Adam! Any comment on the rumor that you're collaborating with Robbie Williams?"_

_"Adam!!"_

_"Adam! Just one comment!"_

It's always Adam, Adam, _Adam!_ Everywhere he goes regardless of time. You start to respect your privacy when you notice you don't have it anymore. The only place Adam feels safe is his own home, but who knows what the paparazzi are capable of.

And home is... It's lonely, and while he craves having time to himself to empty his head from all the craziness, he still gets anxious when he has too much of it. Because he _needs_ people around him, he's an extrovert.

Adam's chest hurt and he wanted nothing more than to get in the car right now. The friendly faces of his fans disappeared behind the swarm of paparazzi, and all he could see was shark smiles.

Adam was never so happy in his life for the tinted windows like now. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Two texts, one from his mother, asking him for dinner tomorrow, the other from Terrance, asking him where the hell he was with a big 'I miss you' in the unique Terrance way that made Adam smile.

After sending his mom a promise for her dinner plans tomorrow, he typed a quick text to Terrance. _"Busy. Miss u 2, wanna meet up at my place 2day? At 5?"_. Terrance was the only one who hasn't given up on him, aside from his mom, and Adam couldn't be more thankful for that.

If he shuts himself away from the world, he can count that those two will come and pound on his door until he lets them inside.

The radio interviews were done fairly quickly, Adam was home by afternoon. He got a few messages from Danielle asking who the "tasty dish" (according to TMZ) was that Adam went home with. Adam replied with a simple _"Just a friend ;)"_.

When Terrance arrived, they settled in the living room to catch up. Terrance had brought Chinese take-away, so they talked over dinner.

"I saw the photos of you and that guy. What are you not telling me?" Terrance asked with a wink and Adam chuckled, shaking his head until he had swallowed his mouthful.

"We met in a bar on Sunday. He gave me his number but I never called him. I saw him at the club again yesterday when I went there." Adam explained shortly and Terrance made a sound that Adam recognized all too well; the you-are-having-a-fling-with-somebody sound.

"He's in a relationship." Adam added before Terrance could get too excited at that prospect, "And I respect that. We get along really well, and he wants to have friends in LA. He's new here."

"Well, it's a start. Does he know that you're famous?"

Adam shrugged, sighing. He put his food down on the table and pushed it away, suddenly losing his appetite, but Terrance pushed it back in front of him.

"I think he does now since we're all over TMZ. He didn't earlier, I think. It kinda makes me feel better... You know, that he wanted to be around me even when he believed I'm just a nobody." Adam said and took his oyster pail back in his hands and took another mouthful, "Proves that he liked me for me."

Terrance sighed a little, quiet enough so Adam wouldn't hear him. He reached out to place his hand on Adam's knee to get his attention, and Adam looked into his eyes.

"Boo, we all like you for you. And you should, too." He smiled and gave Adam's knee a gentle squeeze, "What's not to like?"

Adam chuckled, more bitterly than anything else. Suddenly he didn't feel like eating. Again.

"Want me to make a list?" He asked.

"No." Terrance said and sat back on his chair, "What I want you to do, is to think of things you like about yourself."

"Sounds like an impossible task." Adam mumbled and forced himself to eat another bite.

Adam has never been the best at self-love. Sure, everyone has things they don't like about themselves but Adam's list was long. And with the fame and constant criticism it brought, things get easily worse. You hate your less than perfect skin and someone will definitely write a page about how bad it is, hate your not-so-toned body and you find it on a website with comments agreeing how 'fat' you are.

And words hurt. Imagine hating something about yourself and being constantly reminded of it. It proves how people around you see the same things that you do. Or for the simple fact that they want to hurt you.

Either case, the outcome is the same.

"It's not an impossible task. Maybe to you, it is. But I could list hundreds of things I like about you and I mean the _real_ you. And so could so many other people; Danielle, your mom and Alisan. Maybe that Sauli guy..."

"Terrance, just... just don't, okay? I know where you're going with this. He really is in a relationship and he seems really happy. And I don't wanna fuck that up..." Adam sighed.

Terrance did as well. He had tried so many times to pull Adam out of his self-hatred attitude that there was absolutely nothing he wouldn't try if he just had the chance. He was desperate, to be honest.

"If there is any interest then it's only physical since I don't even know him. So there is no point for me to try anything." Adam added and raised his feet on the table, "And I don't even want to."

"But you got along with him great, didn't you?" Terrance pressured and his food was probably getting cold.

Adam nodded, "He talked about normal things. Treated me normally. He wasn't after my dick or my ass and he still wanted me back to his place to have a chat over a glass of wine."

Terrance smiled a little, slouching on the couch and looking at Adam. He used to be able to read him like an open book, but lately Adam was getting harder and harder to read.

Often, it seems like he's incredibly happy yet devastatingly sad at the same time. Adam was his usual bubbly self, and then he would refuse to see anyone and he'd just isolate from the world. Adam had the need to take care of his loved ones, but forgets to take care of himself.

"Just because he now knows you're a rock star, doesn't mean he won't want to be your friend. You enjoyed your time with him, I don't see anything wrong with that." Terrance reminded and scooted down from the couch so he could crouch before Adam's knees, "I know you, Adam; I've known you forever. And I can see it when you feel bad about something even when you hide it behind that beautiful smile of yours."

Adam looked Terrance in the eyes, listening.

"I love you, you know I do. But you leave me kinda clueless here." he said with a sad chuckle, "I can't make you love yourself and it's such a sad and raw truth. But I promise you that no matter what happens or whatever is going on in that funny little mind of yours..."

Adam smiled at that. And Terrance smiled when he saw him smile.

"...that I will be here for you. All of us will be. I just want you to know that. You have the biggest heart in the world, and I can see the way it flutters for mystery man." Terrance whispered, resting his hands over Adam's, "Don't you wanna give him a call?"

All of us. Funny he says that. 

"Taken, Ter. _Taken_."

"He deserves to know why his face is plastered all over the internet."

Adam sighed, dropping his head back. Terrance was right. Damn him, why does he have to always be right? Why are friends almost always right?

"But what if... What if he just hates me now?" Adam said quietly and pulled his hands out of Terrance's hold.

"He has no reason to. But he might feel bitter if you don't explain things to him." Terrance said and sat back on the couch now, "Right?"

Adam nodded, groaning almost.

"Call him, text him, whatever. But he needs to know. He deserves that.

~*~

A several, long days later, Adam invited Sauli to his place. Sauli agreed, not seeming too mad or anything like Adam feared, but not too excited either.

Adam wanted to pick him up to save him the effort of following the address. The drive was silent, almost awkward, considering how well they got along earlier. The only sound in the car was the radio, which Adam ended up turning off when a song of his came on. He loved hearing his music on the radio, but with Sauli sitting right there next to him it was weird.

Sauli's jaw dropped when they reached Adam's place, first gaping at the driveway then again once they were inside.

"Welcome to my home." Adam said while tossing his keys on the counter, then pulled off his leather jacket and boots.

"Thank you." Sauli smiled, sliding his own jacket off his shoulders. He tossed it on the chair nearby, which made Adam smile because no one who has visited him, excluding his friends and family, has done that. They have nicely put it in the guest cloth rack and been like 'Is this okay?'. It was just a damn house. Of course you don't make a mess when you visit someone but Adam doesn't need people to act like his house was a royal castle.

"Please, come inside." Adam said and led Sauli to the living room, "You want coffee? Maybe a bagel?"

"No thanks, bad carbs. And I just had coffee." Sauli informed and kept following Adam like a lost puppy. He would most likely get lost if he stopped following Adam for a second. Hell, he'd even get lost on his way to the _bathroom_.

Adam led him through the first part of the living room and to the TV area where he slouched down on his comfiest chair and raised his feet on the foot stool.

"Have a seat." he said, gesturing for Sauli to sit.

Sauli sat on the couch, nearly sinking into it, it was _that_ comfy, and thought twice about raising his feet on it. He did, in the end.

"So... How do you feel about this whole thing?" Adam asked after a long silence which was edging onto awkward.

"How do I feel?" Sauli repeated, amused by the question, "Wow, this feels like a therapy session."

Adam chuckled.

"But yeah, I don't really know. I don't know should I feel somewhat special now or should I be freaked out?" Sauli asked, noticing the way Adam kept fidgeting. He was tugging and twisting his fingers, playing with his rings, rolling them and tugging them off just to push them back on.

"You tell me." He whispered.

"Well, I'm not." Sauli said, "Why I should be mad or worried or anything like that? I think you put too much thought into your fame. It's not like I have anything to lose here." he continued, keeping his tone soft and calm, trying to understand Adam's point of view the best he could.

"Except your relationship? The magazines are going crazy over me and the 'Tasty dish' I went home with." Adam reminded and stopped playing with his rings. It was so hard for him to see things in his life through someone else's eyes, hard to imagine what his friends, family and people like Sauli thought about him and his lifestyle. Probably nothing too big, but Adam has grown a little paranoid over the years. Not with his friends and family, but with new people.

"So there are some rumors. It's not like my boyfriend believed them." Sauli reassured him, "Besides, I _am_ a tasty dish _and_ I did go home with you, so they aren't exactly lying."

Adam chuckled, more like giggled, and he quickly bit his lip to stop, as if he was embarrassed by the sound.

"I like your laughter." Sauli beamed, "You should laugh more."

Adam's heart skipped a beat and he grinned. Sauli took it all so well that he feels like he worried for nothing. He probably did.

"I actually need to tell you something, too." Sauli said, suddenly more serious than seconds ago.

"Yeah?"

"This wasn't really a surprise to me. Last time we met... Before you arrived at the bar, the bartender had told me that you were a superstar. She didn't tell me much more, she told me to ask you, but I didn't. Because I felt like if you knew that I knew about your fame, you wouldn't have even sat down with me again."

Adam blinked, nibbling his thumb nail. Well, that was a surprise. He didn't really know what to say, but he felt even more relieved than before. Either Sauli was a damn good actor or he was really genuinely nice.

"So now I'm asking you, who are you, really? Please tell me you're not the porn star I jokingly suggested you were."

Adam laughed, "No, unfortunately. Would you mind if I was?" He asked with a silly grin that matched Sauli's.

"Not really. I mean, some gotta do that job, too." Sauli said and relaxed even more on the couch.

"That's very true." Adam agreed, "Anyway... I'm a singer. Kinda famous, I could say. I think..."

"I'm all ears."

Adam took a deep breath.

"I'm a double Grammy winner, sold platinum several times, appeared on Glee, performed with Queen around the world to sold out venues, did a few sold out world tours of my own as well, and I'm TMZ's favorite pet, and I feel like the whole world wants a piece of me."

Sauli listened with open-mouthed shock, his brain working to process all the information Adam had just told to him.

"Take your time." Adam joked, chipping off what remained of his nail polish. They had rubbed off during the past few weeks and he needed to paint them again real soon.

"Wow. That's... Wow. Queen. Grammys. Okay. Wow." Sauli stuttered, eyes wide as he stared at Adam, "I'm sorry, but I'm just... Wow."

"You can stop saying 'wow', I hear it way too often." Adam said with a small chuckle, "But yeah, that's me. And the surname is Lambert, if you're interested. Anyway, that's who I am. I'm pretty sure I'm not an annoying diva, and my feet are steadily on the ground, in case you still want to hang out."

Sauli smiled, nodding. There was no reason for him to decline Adam's company; he liked Adam a lot, he really did, but Adam on the other hand seemed a bit suspicious when it came to Sauli's motives.

"Look, I don't see you any differently. I've liked you since the moment I met you and I still do. I know you might find it hard to believe, but I'm not asking you to open yourself up to me or anything like that." Sauli reassured and scooted forward so he was sitting on the edge of the couch and reached to touch Adam's thigh.

Adam's leg twitched at the touch and Sauli realized how intimate it was, so he quickly slid his hand to rest on top of Adam's knee instead.

"Sorry." Sauli mumbled, dropping his eyes. His cheeks felt hot again and his heart was racing from the touch. He felt the warmth of Adam's body seep through the fabric of his jeans, and he was all but burning up.

"It's fine." Adam rushed out quicker than expected, "But yeah, I... I'm glad you feel that way. Often people just sort of... treat me differently. Like I'm somehow 'higher' than them. Or then they avoid me, thinking I'm some diva who needs his own crystal seats in the bathroom. Or maybe they simply don't want to end up on TMZ and get labeled as 'my pet' or some shit."

Sauli nodded, wanting to drop his hand because he felt like he had been touching Adam's knee for too long. But it was like Adam was a magnet and he was iron filings; he couldn't drop it.

"Don't worry about it. As long as you are comfortable with having me in your hectic life, I am comfortable with having you in mine." Sauli said and made himself pull his hand away before he burned a new hole in Adam's jeans.

Adam missed the contact instantly, his skin underneath feeling chilly and hot at the same time. He tried to convince himself that there was nothing wrong or bad in having a small crush on a cute guy who was being nice to him.

"Yeah, I... I tend to be on my toes a lot with new people who want to 'invade' my personal life. I don't do it on purpose, I just... I've had some bad experiences. People tell all sorts of stuff about me and then the press twists and turns them even more and suddenly I'm not interesting for my music but my personal life."

Shit, Adam was already talking too much. Sauli had this look that would probably make Adam fall on his knees and tell him everything he wanted to know. That's why Adam had to make sure that Sauli would have no reason to ask about the stuff he kept well-hidden from the world.

"You don't have to explain, I get it." Sauli said right away, "People sort of 'know' me in Finland. I've been on a few reality shows years ago and man, the stuff people write on the Internet, how nasty they can be, is unbelievable."

Adam gave Sauli a curious look. He never thought Sauli had a name back in his home country. It wasn't a bad thing, not at all. Even though he couldn't compare his fame with Sauli's, at some level he must know, even if a little bit, of what Adam had to go through.

Sauli smiled, "You look surprised."

"No, not at all" Adam rushed out, but who was he kidding?, "Well, yeah. I didn't know you were famous in your home country."

Sauli chuckled, flashing a glimpse of his perfectly white teeth, "So we're tie, then? No hard feelings?"

"If you say so." Adam smiled.

"I say so." Sauli beamed, "But honestly, as long as you take me, I'm fine with it. A few flashes of paparazzi cameras won't scare me away."

Adam snorted, rubbing the back of his neck. If only they were a few flashes, but Sauli didn't need to know that yet; he'll figure it out for himself sooner or later.

"And I got a few phone calls from Finland, asking me to comment on my relationship status, and what was your part in it." Sauli admitted and gave an apologetic look to Adam.

Adam seized, looking at Sauli.

"Chill, I told them I won't be giving any comments. My life is not their business." Sauli reassured and saw how Adam sagged in relief.

Adam liked the way Sauli handled the situation. It made him feel really good and confident about him, but he still had to be careful, just in case.

"But if you don't mind, I need to dash because my boyfriend is coming home today and I want to be there when he arrives." Sauli said and stood up.

Adam nodded, jealousy punching him in the gut harder than he'd like to admit. The idea of Sauli having hot reunion sex with his boyfriend tonight made goose bumps run down his body, and not even the good ones.

"I can give you a ride back to town." Adam offered as he walked Sauli out of the house but Sauli shook his head, smiling.

"I'll call a cab once I'm out of your gates. Call me sometime."

"No, wait!" Adam rushed out, grabbing Sauli's arm before he could walk away. He wanted to give Sauli his number, in case his schedule got so hectic that he didn't remember to call him, but then he changed his mind.

If he just texted him tonight at some point, even if just a simple 'hi', Sauli would get his number. He'll let Sauli contact him when he has time.

Sauli shot him a curious and amused expression, and Adam laughed, letting go of his arm.

"Nothing, I just... I'll call you."

* 

Getting his man back home wasn't nearly as pleasant and happy as Sauli thought. First he got a text saying that his flight was late and he won't be home until evening, then another one saying he will stay at his friend's place over night.

Sauli was mad, furious even. He didn't want to stop his boyfriend from having his own life but he could at least sacrifice one day for just the two if them, especially after being apart for so long.

Sauli turned the idea of going out to get his mind off of it in his head then decided against it. He wasn't the type who escaped their problems by drinking and going out.

Sauli had asked himself many times why did he move to LA when he knew how he would be treated by his fiancé. He has known a long time that their relationship won't last if his boyfriend wasn't in it as hard as he was.

But Sauli wasn't really strong enough to let go, either. Not when he had just moved here and barely knew anyone. Except Adam. But even Adam was a folded packet of mysteries to him, protected by layers of thick skin.

Sauli sighed, staring at the ceiling. He was lying on his couch, phone resting on his stomach as he waited for a text either from Adam or Jacob. He wanted a text from the former more, to be really honest.

And that made him feel bad, because he shouldn't be thinking about another man when he was in a relationship. But at the same time, he felt like he was the only one who cared about that damn relationship, so maybe thinking about Adam wasn't that bad.

He was already making his way down to the bottom of the bottle of champagne he bought for him and Jacob. He huffed. Romantic plans sucked ass.

Sauli's phone buzzed and his heart skipped a beat. He took a deep breath before he opened the message. The words _I'm sorry_ blinked up at him. Well, at least Jacob had the sense to apologize. Sauli didn't reply.

Another 30 minutes had passed with Sauli watching TV when his phone buzzed again. His heart did another flip, probably for nothing, but he still braced himself.

_You done with the reunion sex yet? ;) xo, You know who_.

Sauli wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was Adam, and that made him happier than it should have, but just the fact that there was no reunion sex at all dampened that happiness.

He bit his lip, contemplating whether he should lie or just tell Adam the truth.

_No reunion sex... He went to his friend's place for night_

Sauli sighed, sinking further into the couch. It didn't take long for his phone to buzz again.

_What a douche..! I'm free (miraculously) if you want company_

Sauli's heart fluttered. Why was he feeling this way about everything that involved Adam? He remembered how Adam had looked at him while he told him about his career. His eyes were filled with concern and confidence and something Sauli wasn't able to read.

They say eyes are the mirror of the soul, so Adam's soul must be full of mysteries. His eyes were the first thing that made Sauli feel nervous, in a good way. But he later noticed how the scent of Adam's perfume clouded his head and how his hand had tingled when he touched Adam's thigh.

Sauli took a deep breath and typed a reply:

_What's on your mind?_

_A glass of wine and a chat? My treat so my place ;) Let me know when you're here so I'll open the gate_

Sauli didn't hesitate, though he was already feeling a little tipsy.

_Sounds good!_

He grabbed his keys, wallet and jacket, just in case, and left his apartment. He called a cab once outside and waited. If Jacob changed his mind and decided to come home, Sauli wouldn't be there. Good. He can taste his own medicine.

When Sauli arrived at Adam's place, he texted him to let him know he was there. Adam was waiting outside and walked inside with him. Sauli was awed by the yard, it reminded him of a garden.

"We could drink the wine upstairs on the balcony. You can see the sunset perfectly from there." Adam suggested and lead Sauli through the house, up the staircase. Everything else seemed so spacious, but the stairs were pretty narrow, so they were walking one before the other.

Sauli just happened to be the one behind. And he knew probably should be watching his steps, he couldn't tear his eyes off Adam's ass. It was right _there_ before him and if those tight pants Adam was wearing were any indication, it was a damn fine ass. _Control yourself, dammit._

Once seated out on the balcony, Sauli noticed that Adam had already brought out the wine. He had a smug smirk on his face.

"You're all flushed." He stated.

"Must be the heat; it's pretty hot in here." Sauli said, biting his lip.

"Sure, it's the heat. Are you already drunk?" Adam teased, pouring some wine for both of them, that smug smirk still firmly in place, "Hey, I'm not judging."

"Shut up." Sauli murmured, taking his glass instantly and swallowing a good-hearted gulp in hopes of calming his damn nerves down, "And yes, it's the heat. Aren't you hot?" He asked, eyeing Adam's long-sleeved shirt.

"You tell me." Adam beamed, finding teasing Sauli way too entertaining. Especially since he knew Sauli had been checking his ass out when they were walking up the stairs, "But nah, I'm good."

Sauli made a face, but didn't say anything.

He looked upset and sort of down, nothing like his smiley, bubbly self, and Adam thought he could understand him pretty well.

"I hope you know that you shouldn't be treated like that." Adam offered gently, wanting to just do something.

Sauli shot him a look and just shrugged, knowing there was no point in him trying to lie and say he was fine. He wasn't, and Adam knew it, must've seen it on his face.

"I just thought that he wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him again." Sauli sighed, stroking the stem of his glass, "I keep asking myself why did I even move here when I knew he'd start neglecting me. I guess I just wished it wouldn't happen." he said, giving Adam a helpless look. Damn those eyes; they sparkled like the sun reflected on the surface of the ocean.

"Maybe you just wanted an adventure? Los Angeles can be pretty wack." Adam suggested and took a sip of his wine, though he didn't feel like drinking right now; not to the point that he would get drunk. Maybe one bottle between the two of them wouldn't be so bad.

Sauli hummed. Maybe he just wanted a new life, a new start, somewhere far away from home. He wished that it could change things between him and Jacob.

"Several weeks practically alone in Los Angeles hadn't been that wack." Sauli said dimly, cocking an eyebrow.

"Hey, you met me!" Adam beamed, wanting to lighten up the atmosphere, "And this is like... The fourth time we meet up. And hanging out with a superstar is pretty wack" he winked.

Sauli snorted, not able to help it.

"Says the superstar who doesn't want to be a superstar."

"Hey, I never said that." Adam fixed, chuckling almost, "Don't start twisting my words like everybody else does."

"I didn't mean it so literally." Sauli placated, because the last thing he wanted was for Adam to kick him out, even though Adam looked like he didn't take it so seriously. You can never know. Celebrities tend to have good game faces when necessary.

"I know you didn't." Adam smiled, "I didn't either. But I'm just saying that you got to build your own life here if you want a new start. And that requires letting go of the old one."

Sauli sighed. Adam was right. He was _so_ right, and that almost annoyed him. No, that's not it.

He's annoyed by Adam's flawless face, his fancy but comfy looking clothes and his smile and his beautiful, beautiful eyes. Fuck. And his hair. His hair looked soft and product-free at the moment. He had probably taken a shower earlier.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing. I'm just saying that you gotta build your life by yourself. You can't expect someone else to do it for you." Adam said in a gentle, knowing tone, "I accomplished a lot in the past 6 years because I just went for it. It all happened so fast I thought I was going to lose my sanity. Which I kinda did, at some level." he added, chuckling, half amused half bitter.

Sauli hummed in laughter, shaking his head and Adam gave him a bemused smile.

"Something funny in that?" He asked, his voice suddenly quiet and a little insecure, and Sauli felt bad. He picked the worst moment to chuckle at the irony of his life!

"Gosh, no." He rushed out, his smile completely gone, "No. I was just thinking how meeting a drunk skunk at the club on Sunday night has been the highlight of my life in here."

Adam threw his head back, laughing, and hearing Adam's laughter drew the smile back on Sauli's face. It was genuine and open and probably his new favorite sound. And that was dangerous territory and Sauli wasn't going there.

"That's what you remember me as? A drunk skunk?" Adam asked, sipping his wine.

"What else?" Sauli grinned teasingly, "Superstar sounds too much for you. You shouldn't think so highly of yourself."

" _Excuse me_?" Adam gasped, sitting up straight, "I'm _offended_. Remember who you're talking to." he joked, pulling his chin up and turning his head like any diva would when she/he were being 'insulted'.

"I'm so sorry, sir." Sauli gasped, holding a hand over his heart, "I'm sorry I offended you. You want me to polish your shoes?"

They both laughed.

"Calling me 'sir' sounds so pervy, by the way." Adam stated, still chuckling as he poured more wine for them. Sauli snorted, rubbing the back of his neck and willing himself to push such images out of his head. Adam and his no-filter sense of humor.

"You made me laugh. Again." Sauli said all of a sudden, "Thanks."

"Well, it was my treat this time." Adam smiled, "You're welcome. You gonna stay over-night?"

If Sauli wasn't in a relationship, that question would have set his body on fire. It still did, but Sauli knew nothing would happen even if he wanted. Adam was very sober right now and Sauli felt like he wouldn't even let Sauli in his pants.

"Only if you let me." Sauli said, looking at the not-so-bright sun in the horizon, "I'd kind of want to stay just to give my boyfriend a lesson. God knows where he is now."

Adam sighed calmly, his eyes wandering over the horizon, lips puckered. To Sauli's eyes he looked thoughtful. And so, so beautiful.

"Look, I don't know two shits about your relationship, and I won't pretend that I do, but I'll still tell you this; just because he treats you like that, doesn't mean you should sink as low as him. The best thing you can do is hold your head high and let him know he needs to change his attitude or you'll walk away." Adam wisely said and gave Sauli a look that made his skin tingle. It was just a gentle look, but it still made Sauli feel like a teenager again.

"But is he really worth that effort?" Sauli asked out loud, taking both himself and Adam by surprise.

"Only you can answer that." Adam said, "But I didn't mean you couldn't stay. I just want you to do it for the right reasons, not only to fire back at your boyfriend."

"Of course not. But I just don't feel like going 'home' right now. It's just lonely there." Sauli said quietly, gulping down the rest of his wine. Apparently, he was taking drunk skunk duty from Adam if he kept that pace up.

"I know the feeling." Adam mumbled, glancing at the sky, "Seriously though... You gotta stop doing everything for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. You're just wasting your energy."

Sauli chuckled a bit. It was quite amazing having such deep, meaningful conversations with Adam. And they have basically just met. Adam was just really easy to be around and talk to.

"I know. You are ready to do everything for the one... Or maybe you have already done everything, only to see that he wouldn't do the same for you." Sauli said with a small sigh. He wanted to drink another glass of wine but then decided against it.

"You sound like you know that feeling." Adam stated.

"I guess. Don't we all? At some level?" Sauli asked, watching as Adam shrugged.

"I guess." He said, "But eh, let's go inside. I can show you your room for the night."

Adam grabbed his glass and the wine bottle, carrying them inside and put them on a small table to be put away later.

Sauli would have been fine with the couch. But if Adam wanted him to have a room, he wasn't going to say no. A comfy bed was much better for his neck and back than any couch could ever be.

Adam had several rooms upstairs, one of them obviously his own bedroom. The door was open and Sauli stole a peek inside the room. Nothing much, a king-sized bed, nice decorations and a flat TV screen. A few chairs for clothes, apparently.

"You can stay here." He heard Adam say, and he turned around and walked up to him, stepping inside the room Adam had entered. It was the fanciest guest room he had ever slept in.

"Now I feel bad for giving you just a couch to sleep on." Sauli chuckled, looking at the king-sized bed in the middle of the room. Wow, Adam really wanted his guests to be as comfy as possible. Sauli wouldn't be surprised if he found a mini bar.

"Hey, I offered to sleep in your bed!" Adam reminded, squeaking almost, "But you wouldn't let me!"

"Ha ha, very funny. you know what I meant." Sauli said.

Adam's lips curled in a small smirk, and Sauli couldn't help himself any longer. He grabbed Adam by the front of his shirt and hauled him forward, crashing their lips together. And holy mother of sin, Adam's lips were so soft and moist against his.

The kiss tore a surprised sound out of Adam, and after recovering from the shock, he pushed Sauli back by his shoulders. Gently, enough to make Sauli take a few steps backwards.

"What are you doing?" He asked, looking into Sauli's blue eyes searchingly. Sauli felt regret take over him right away when he stared back into Adam's confused eyes.

"I have no idea. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. Now I'm trespassing in to your personal space." Sauli said quietly and let go of Adam's shirt when he noticed he was still holding onto it.

Adam chuckled quietly, "It's not my personal space I'm worried about. What I'm worried about is that you're drunk, clearly upset and in a relationship. I don't want to be a tool of revenge or a mistake you'll regret in the morning." he said gently and spun Sauli around, almost pushing him to the bed. Sauli sighed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress and rubbing his face.

Man, did he feel fucked up. And that wasn't like him at all; he always refused to feel that way because he hated how much it changed his disposition.

"You took care of me when I needed it. So this is only fair." Adam reminded with a smile, "I'll bring you some water."

~*~ 

Sauli woke up to the sound of something hitting against a wooden surface. His eyes snapped open, and ow, _his head_ , and he saw Adam standing beside his bed. He had put a plate on his nightstand rather loudly.

"I tried to be gentle. I knocked, called your name, shook you but naw, you wouldn't blink. Now I finally got you." He said, looking way too happy under such circumstances, "This is so ironic. Are we even now?"

"Huh?" Sauli groaned, eyes squinted at the ray of sunlight peeking through the curtains.

"Nothing. You'll figure it out." Adam said with grin, "I brought you some fresh juice and painkillers if you need some."

Sauli thanked him, sitting up. His head didn't hurt nearly as bad as it could, so that was something actually positive. In addition to Adam. Adam's always a positive thing. Especially in those black sweats and cuddly black sweater.

Which brought Sauli to...

"I tried to kiss you, didn't I? I'm not sure if I was dreaming or not."

Adam chuckled, "You didn't just try, you went for it. But aw, there is a possibility I'd appear in your dreams?"

"Just shut it." Sauli said, eyes tightly closed, "I'm sorry about the kiss, I-"

"It's fine. You were drunk and not yourself last night. It can stay between us." Adam reassured, "Unless you were planning to share it with the public." he added nervously.

"What? No! Why would I do that?" Sauli asked, blinking a few times to clear his eyes so he could actually look at Adam.

Adam shrugged.

"To get a thousand dollars or more for a hot scoop?"

Sauli almost snorted. Sounds like desperate fame-whoring to him; sell a story about you kissing a celebrity and bam, you'll get a lot of extra money and some name. Just awesome. Sounds totally like me, Sauli wondered.

"Trust me already, I don't swing that way." Sauli convinced and reached out to grab the glass of fresh juice from the nightstand. It felt good against his dry throat and his stomach didn't protest the taste of it.

"Good. Anyway, I have a phone interview in a few minutes, I'll be talking downstairs in the dining room or living room. You can use the shower if you want, bathroom is second last door on the right, towels are in the closet." Adam said, pointing at the closet in the corner of the room, "Or you can just continue your beauty sleep. Whatever you want."

Sauli nodded. Adam gave him a small smile before he left the room, closing the door gently after himself.

Sauli felt like he really needed a shower. He stumbled out of the bed and went for the closet to find himself a towel, then out of the room and into the hallway. He blinked. Second last door on the right. Right.

He would have gasped at the bathroom if he wasn't so damn tired; it was roomy and bright like everything else in Adam's house, the shower stall was big, enough for two people to fit in easily, and the black counter top was just perfect.

He stayed in the shower for 15 minutes and the hot water relaxed him, made him feel better, cleaner in every meaning of the word. He dressed up, grabbed the towel with him and trying to find his way to Adam. Adam said he was going to be downstairs, so downstairs he went.

He didn't hear any talking but he found Adam in the dining room near the kitchen. He was leaning against the table, cheek pressed against his hand. He looked bummed.

"You okay?" Sauli asked, drying his hair with the towel.

Adam jumped a little, turning his head enough to look at Sauli at the door. He mumbled a low 'yeah'.

Sauli's mouth pulled into a small frown and he walked closer, sitting on the chair opposite Adam, "You don't look okay to me."

"I'm fine, really. But I just wasted 10 minutes of my life talking shit. How could I ever imagine there would be an interviewer who would be interested in my music and not my personal life." Adam said, straightening up. He sighed, rubbing his face, "Gosh, this is tiring." He mumbled into his hands.

Sauli didn't really know what to say. He wanted to comfort Adam, but he had no idea how. It was easy to hug a friend or cuddle a partner, but Adam's case was different, plus it would be awkward.

Mostly because he felt so strongly about Adam and he had no idea why. It was wrong and it was fast, but one can't help their heart and uncontrollable mind.

"Uhm-"

"You don't have to say anything." Adam smiled before Sauli could even mumble a word, "It's not like you have to pretend that you care."

Sauli blinked, nearly dropping the towel he was holding.

"Pretend? Trust me, I genuinely care if you get treated badly. Or did you also pretend last night when you seemed to care about my feelings?"

"Well, no, but..."

"No buts." Sauli interrupted, "It's the same thing. You want to talk about it?"

Adam shook his head and Sauli didn't push the matter. He didn't want to make Adam feel more uncomfortable than he already was due to the interview and possibly the last night's kiss...

"I just work my damn ass off and I feel like no one gives a shit. My sex life and not-so-flattering paparazzi photos seem to be more interesting." Adam sighed, heavier than before, and sank back to his previous position, "But enough about that. How are you feeling?"

Sauli shrugged, rubbing the towel over his head. The shampoo and body soap smelled divine.

"I'm fine so enough about that. I'd like to see you perform sometime." Sauli said and looked at Adam in the eye, "Because I do care about your hard work. I don't really know you at all yet but I care. You're a nice person and I feel so at ease around you. You're my first friend here." he continued, reaching out to touch Adam's hand.

Adam didn't pull back and neither did Sauli when he realized what he was doing. It felt so good; Adam's skin against his.

"I'm performing with Queen today at Staples Center. I could get you a VIP pass and you could come and see the show." Adam suggested, turning his hand so it was palm out and tapping Sauli's before pulling away.

"I'd love that." Sauli smiled.

"Great. You want coffee?" Adam asked, "Or do you have a bad hangover?"

Sauli chuckled, "I feel surprisingly okay, actually. I'd love to have a cup of coffee, thank you."

"Okay, but you gotta move your ass 'cause I ain't your housekeeper." Adam grinned, standing up and watching as Sauli grinned as well and got up to follow him. He was positively surprised to see a juicer on the counter top.

Adam reached out to give him a mug from the cabinet, and while Sauli was very capable of doing that himself, he was happy to stand behind Adam and stare at his ass like it was a piece of sugar he craved.

"Oh, get over yourself." Sauli murmured under his breath and almost slapped himself.

"Huh?" Adam frowned, turning around to hand Sauli the cup.

"Huh?" Sauli repeated, looking flustered. His hands were almost shaking and he had to put the cup on the closest counter surface. Adam gave him an amused look and that didn't help him _at all_.

"A crush is a very non-threatening thing." Adam smirked, which only made the flush on Sauli's cheeks darken.

"What? No, I just- _No._ " Sauli chuckled nervously.

"Oh my God, you are so presh." Adam giggled, "I was just kidding. I find it hard to believe when someone actually has a crush on me, so... It sounds almost impossible to me."

_'Are you kidding me?'_ Sauli's mind screamed. Who couldn't like Adam one way or another? He's kind, funny and so, so damn gorgeous, it hurts.

The air felt thick.

"What'd you mean 'impossible'? Look at yourself, you're-"

"Rich and famous. And funny enough, good looking to some. The major factors." Adam said, turning towards the coffeemaker and pouring some for himself and Sauli.

Sauli felt sad for him. It must be hard for Adam to know when someone was genuinely interested in him and wasn't just after his money or fame. It had to be one of the biggest downsides of being very wealthy.

"I believe there is more than meets the eye. And I didn't even know about your fame and I still liked you." Sauli reminded.

"I know. That's why I like you too." Adam smiled. Sauli couldn't see it since Adam still had his back facing him while he added a little sugar to his coffee, but he could still hear it in his voice. When Adam turned around, Sauli was standing right in front of him.

"Woah. Are you still drunk?" Adam asked, tone low.

"No." Sauli whispered.

"Good." Adam breathed out heavily, cupping Sauli's face and leaning down to lock their lips. Sauli gasped in surprise, hands fisting Adam's black sweater desperately.

What was happening? _Why_ was this happening? Adam was kissing him. Hard. And passionate. Like there was nowhere else he'd rather be. And Sauli had a boyfriend. He shouldn't be doing this. But it felt _so damn good._

Sauli almost whined when Adam pressed up against him. Adam was such a good kisser; he used his whole body in it and his lips were so perfectly soft and wet. Just like Sauli had imagined them to be.

Sauli's hands slid down Adam's chest and his fingers sneaked underneath Adam's top, feeling his bare side, the skin deliciously warm and soft against his fingertips. Adam sighed into the kiss, holding onto Sauli's hand that was resting on his waist.

"Sauli..."

Sauli slid his hand to stroke Adam's belly, and Adam jerked away and grabbed his wrist.

"No, I... Don't." He hissed, pulling away, "We can't do this. I'm sorry." he whispered, backing up against the counter and wiping his lips.

Sauli stood still for a few, shocked seconds. The kiss had done quite a number on him, couple that with Adam's surprising reaction. He seemed so eager first.

"Don't apologize. It shouldn't even be you who stops us, it should be me, I'm the one who has a relationship to worry about." Sauli pointed out and sank on the floor, holding his head, "God, I'm such a horrible person."

Adam crouched down before him and placed his hands on his knees, "No, you're not a horrible person. I shouldn't have kissed you. Let's just forget about it, okay?"

Sauli didn't want to.

"Okay." he agreed.

"Good. Let's just enjoy the coffee and talk about tonight."

~*~

When Sauli got home that day, Jacob was already there. Sauli no longer felt like seeing him; his head was spinning around the kisses he and Adam had shared, both drunk and sober. And since he wasn't a heartless dick, he did regret them now.

But it didn't change the fact that he was still mad at his boyfriend.

Though Sauli was easy in a way; all Jacob had to do was apologize, cuddle him a little, and Sauli's anger would fade away. When he told Jacob he was going to see Adam perform with Queen later, Jacob took it surprisingly well.

But no matter how hard Sauli tried, he couldn't shake the kisses out of his head. Kissing Adam _sober_ had been one of the best things he had ever experienced. It was so unfair to think like that and it made Sauli feel like a complete douche but that was how he felt.

Sauli couldn't help it. A crush can be a very non-threatening thing like Adam had said, so maybe the best thing he could do was to distance himself from Adam and fix his relationship. Then he could see Adam again, after the 'danger' was over.

He didn't want to do something he would end up regretting later. Sauli groaned. He felt like his head was going to explode in any minute now.

At the Staples Center, Sauli was able to follow the show from the VIP section. The view and sound were good from there, and he couldn't wipe the foolish grin off his face. Adam was so talented at what he did; his voice and stage charisma guaranteed a spectacular show.

And Sauli didn't complain about the body rolls or hip thrusts either. Or Adam's clothes in general. His ass looked _amazing_.

Instead of bringing Jacob with him, though, Sauli had taken his cousin Veera. Aside from knowing Sauli too well, Veera could read him like a book, and she couldn't help but notice the way he looked at Adam.

She elbowed him in the ribs during Save Me.

"You're taken." She reminded, loud enough for Sauli to hear without disturbing the others.

"I know." Sauli huffed, rolling his eyes, "It's not like I stand a better chance than all those people anyway."

Veera snorted, hugging Sauli's arm.

"Don't be silly! Adam gave you a VIP pass _and_ you can already call him a friend."

"Still." Sauli insisted.

"What are you hiding from me? Why do you look like that?" Veera asked, pulling away to get a proper look at her cousin who was beaming and looking at Adam like he hung the moon. Okay, well, everyone at the venue were looking like that but there was something _more_ in Sauli's eyes.

"I'm not hiding anything." Sauli squeaked over the loud music and turned his eyes back to Adam, only to find Adam looking directly at him. They locked eyes and for a moment it felt like there was no one else in the whole world.

Veera saw it. She didn't want to ask anything or tell Sauli what to do, but it was her damn job as a friend to stop Sauli from getting hurt or hurting others. And someone _was_ going to get hurt in the end.

When the show was over Sauli wanted to see Adam and thank him for the amazing show. He did have access to the backrooms, after all.

Veera grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"This is not going to end well." She said.

"What? Adam's a friend of mine and I'm allowed to chat with him after such an incredible night. He's just a friend." Sauli reassured, keeping his tone low.

Veera sighed, letting go of Sauli's wrist.

"Is he though? Sauli, I know you. And I know you aren't very happy with Jacob, but still, this isn't fair." She all but nagged, desperate to stop Sauli from doing something stupid, "Grow some balls, damn it! Call it quits with him before you start messing around with a troubled superstar."

Sauli sighed, running a hand down his face. He didn't feel like putting up with this right now even though he knew Veera was right. And what did she mean by 'troubled'? Maybe she knew more about Adam's fame than he did. He never bothered to google him, after all.

"Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise. Adam is just a friend. I don't know why you think there is something else." Sauli said, "I'll see him quickly. Will you be outside?"

Veera nodded, "Yeah, I'll be in the parking lot."

Sauli nodded in acknowledgement then turned around and headed towards the dressing rooms. Adam must've told the staff his name or something because he got in without any problems. He did have a special VIP pass that the band could give to family and friends.

Sauli knocked on the door of Adam's dressing room. No reply. He knocked again, a bit louder, but still got no reply. Maybe Adam was somewhere else, or chatting with the band or staff.

"Adam just went inside. Maybe he's in the bathroom and can't hear you." Sauli heard someone say.

It was Brian May, walking past Sauli in the hallway in a cozy looking bathrobe and his usual, easy smile. But then he turned around, like he just remembered something important, and put a hand on Sauli's shoulder, looking serious.

"He looked upset. For some unknown reason." Brian said in a quiet tone, "We've been worried about him. You should check on him. He didn't look very good."

With those words Brian squeezed Sauli's shoulder then left. Sauli never imagined meeting Brian May like this, and if he was being honest, Brian's words worried him.

"Adam?" He called through the door, knocking. When he got no reply, he decided to go in like Brian told him to. Maybe this had happened before.

The room was empty when he entered, or so he thought, before he heard the ragged breathing. He walked up behind the couch and saw Adam, sitting on the floor, back against the couch, and furiously tugging on the collar of his bathrobe.

"Adam? You okay?" Sauli asked, crouching down before him and trying to look him in the eyes, but Adam was moving too much.

He sounded and looked like he was hyperventilating, tugging furiously on the already loose collar like it was somehow choking him.

Sauli wanted to touch him, to comfort him, but he knew it could make things worse. But at the same time it came almost naturally to him.

"Hey? Adam, look at me." He said gently and ducked his head to see Adam's hazy eyes. He was sweating and trembling thoroughly, but he acknowledged Sauli's presence.

"Can you hear me?" Sauli asked.

Adam nodded frantically, and kept tugging and pulling on the fabric of his bathrobe. He dropped his hands down to his thighs and squeezed them so hard Sauli thought he was going to bruise himself.

"Adam, no, don't. You'll hurt yourself." He whispered, taking Adam's wrists into his hands.

Adam jerked, almost kneeing Sauli in the ribs. Sauli wasn't a professional, he had never even encountered an anxiety attack before, and his grip tightened unconsciously, trying to get Adam to stay still so he could talk to him.

But Adam flinched sharply, struggling against his grip. Sauli let go immediately, his heart jumping out of his chest and up to his throat.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for whatever I did." He panicked, watching how Adam cradled his other wrist against his chest. Adam still wasn't breathing calmly and Sauli never felt so helpless in his life.

He did the only thing he could think of; He stroked Adam's shoulder and gently hushed at him.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm right here, I'm not going to leave you alone." he said, sitting down next to Adam and moving only as close as Adam was comfortable with. He didn't want to frighten him; Adam looked spooked as it was.

What the heck did one of his friends once say about 'grounding'? Something about seeing, hearing, feeling and so on. Sauli decided to give it a try, even if he didn't remember it perfectly.

"Can you name... Like four things you can see in this room?" Sauli asked calmly.

Adam swallowed the lump in his throat, looking around the room, "You. A cloth rack. A lamp. A chair"

"That's right. Now focus on them, you are in control of all this." Sauli reassured, "What about anything that you can feel or touch?"

Adam reached out to tug on Sauli's arm, "You."

"That's right. Is there something you can taste?"

Adam smacked his lips a few times and traced his tongue over them as well, trying to figure out the taste in his mouth.

"Tea. With honey and lemon."

Sauli nodded, "Yes. You're right here with me, and you are in very control of your mind."

Adam still felt sick but his pulse had slowed down a notch and his breathing had calmed down enough so he didn't feel like he was choking.

Still, it took 10 minutes until Adam relaxed enough to talk and look at Sauli properly. Sauli kept telling him to name things he could see and touch while he fetched a wet washcloth and handed it to Adam, who wiped his face with it then placed it on his neck, letting the coolness of it seep into his heated skin.

"You alright?" Sauli asked, "You scared me there."

"Yeah, I'm okay." Adam mumbled, a little hoarse, "For now. These have been more frequent lately. I hate them. They make me feel like I'm going to die." he whispered, tossing the cloth aside. Sauli thought he looked pretty frustrated, tired and messed up in so many ways.

Nothing like the Adam he had met before.

"I didn't want you to see me like this..." Adam said quietly, his face flushed in embarrassment and his eyes glassy with tears that threatened to fall. Sauli thought it was completely unnecessary for Adam to feel that way. Adam hung his head and sniffled.

"It's okay-"

"No, it's not!" He sobbed, rubbing his face, "You can't tell anyone!" He added and raised his head back up, his voice louder, his eyes panicked.

"I won't. Why would I? And you have nothing to be embarrassed about." Sauli reassured.

"Except that I'm a mess." Adam said and wiped his eyes with his hands rather roughly, "God, I hate crying..."

Sauli didn't say anything. Adam wouldn't listen to him even if he tried.

But when he saw what looked suspiciously like blood peeking from underneath the sleeve of Adam's bathrobe when Adam moved his arm up to card a hand through his hair, he couldn't stay quiet.

"Oh my God, are you bleeding?" He gasped, reaching out to try and take Adam's hand but Adam wouldn't let him. He yanked his hand back and gave Sauli a look that didn't tempt Sauli to do or say anything at all.

" _Don't_." Was all Adam said.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what the situation was and Sauli's heart shattered in that very second.

"Adam... It's okay, whatever it is. I am not here to judge you. Please let me just check."

Sauli tried to take Adam's hand again but Adam bolted backwards, shooting him another glare that was more than enough to tell him to fuck off.

"You can go." Adam said, standing up on his shaky legs. He stumbled, but Sauli was there to grab him before he fell.

"And leave you here alone in this state of mind?"

"Me in this state of mind isn't really new. Me in this state of mind alone isn't new either." Adam reminded, "Just go."

"Adam-"

"Leave!" Adam shouted and Sauli took a few steps backwards, "Just go and leave me alone." Adam continued, in a calmer tone.

Sauli sighed, taking those few steps forward again.

"It doesn't take a psychologist to see you don't really want to me to go."

Adam snorted, rolling his eyes. He picked up his clothes but he wasn't going to change while Sauli was looking at him.

Sauli walked up beside him and grabbed his hand again, pulling his arm out straight. Adam didn't protest this time but from the look on his face Sauli could tell he didn't exactly enjoy it either.

"Please don't." Adam pleaded.

Sauli ignored him and hated himself for it, but told himself it could be really, really bad. Adam squeezed his eyes shut when Sauli grabbed the sleeve of his bathrobe, but before he could push it up, Adam stopped him.

"Fine. _Fine_. I'm letting you see because you already know. If you tell _anyone_ , I swear to God I will hunt you down."

"I won't. You can count on that." Sauli said gently and pushed the sleeve higher up to reveal Adam's forearm. He couldn't help but cringe, because it _was_ really bad.

Adam jerked his hand away, "Thank you so much for that reaction."

Sauli nearly slapped himself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." Sauli defended, "Adam, your fresh cuts need to be taken care of. Please let me help and then if you really want, I'll leave you alone."

Adam looked at Sauli from under his lashes. He didn't want anyone, not even Sauli, to touch his arms like that. But Sauli wouldn't let it go, so maybe it was the easiest way to just let him do his thing.

"Okay..." Adam mumbled.

~*~ 

Sauli called Veera and let her know that he couldn't leave Adam alone. She understood him the best she could without Sauli telling her why, and went to the hotel for the night.

In Adam's place, Sauli sat Adam on the kitchen counter so his arms would be in perfect height when Sauli was standing. Adam pointed him to the medicine cabinet and Sauli grabbed all the supplies he needed.

Adam was in a sweater, with its sleeves rolled up, and a pair of regular jeans, but he felt more naked than ever when Sauli came back to the kitchen and stood before him, examining his arms.

Sauli's heart was thudding so hard in his chest; Adam's arms were filled with old and recent cuts, some big, some small, one vertical, the others horizontal. They covered both the insides and outsides of Adam's forearms.

"This might sting a little." Sauli warned softly, pressing a cotton pad with peroxide in it, against the first fresh cut. Adam hissed, his arm jerking in Sauli's hold.

Sauli's first reaction was to hush him and held onto his arm tighter. He noticed Adam was biting his bottom lip and looking at the ceiling, maybe trying to distract himself from the stinging pain.

Sauli went through all the cuts. Gently, slowly, carefully. He liked touching Adam's skin, even though this was far from what he had in his mind.

Adam turned his attention to Sauli's concentrated face. His expression didn't change no matter how deep or wide the cut he disinfected was, and Adam didn't know what to think. He hissed again when Sauli went over another deeper wound.

"I'm almost done." Sauli informed. It was strange how Adam was able to cut his arms and take the pain, but couldn't stand it when peroxide was burning into the cuts and cleaning them. He never understood why people cut but maybe Adam could open his eyes a little.

Sauli tossed the cotton pads in the trash can and grabbed the band-aid. He put a wide bandage on all the fresh cuts, pressing them firmly but gently.

Adam felt embarrassed but also safe. Any other friend or a family member would have given him the third degree and told him how he shouldn't be doing that to himself and all that crap. Sauli didn't. Adam didn't even want him to.

But he still felt so humiliated.

Sauli stroked over the last bandage a little longer than was probably necessary. He just didn't want to stop touching Adam. He _couldn't_ seem to.

"Okay, I'm done." he forced himself to say when his touch started to be like the caress of a lover more than just a helping hand.

"Thank you." Adam whispered, looking down at his arms before sliding down from the counter top, "Not for these band-aids, but for seeing through me and not leaving me alone at the venue."

Sauli looked at Adam with a small smile.

"You're welcome."

Adam rolled the sleeves of his sweater back down, "You never imagined I'd do such thing to myself, huh?" He asked, looking up even though he still felt humiliated. He just wanted to hide away from everything right now, especially Sauli's eyes.

Sauli shook his head, "Your outer disposition didn't really give anything in. So yeah, I was a little shocked. But this has been a rough day for you, you should go to bed." he said and received a nod in response.

"You can take the same room you stayed in last night." Adam said, turning to walk away but Sauli pulled him into a gentle hug. He sighed, closing his eyes and resting his head against Sauli's shoulder. It was a while before he loosely wrapped his arms around Sauli's smaller body.

Sauli stroked Adam's back.

"I still see you the same way, nothing has changed. You don't need to be worried about that."

He wanted to clear it up in case Adam was wondering. Adam inhaled the scent of Sauli and tightened his arms briefly.

"If you say so." Adam murmured, slowly pulling away, "I'm going to bed, I feel so fucked up in so many ways right now."

"I'll stay over-night." Sauli smiled, and without much thinking he rose on his toes and pecked Adam on the cheek. Adam gave him a small smile and nodded.

"And let your friend know that I am sorry for stealing you for tonight and that I will pay for her stay in the hotel."

Sauli chuckled, "Okay. If that makes you feel better."

Not trusting his own memory yet, Sauli followed Adam when they made their way upstairs. They wished each other a good night and separated to the two different bedrooms.

~*~ 

Adam stumbled awake at 11:12 a.m. He went to the bathroom for his regular morning routine, then after pulling on a pair of briefs, sweats and a T-shirt, he went downstairs, following the scent of fresh coffee.

Sauli was humming in the kitchen like there were no worries known in the entire world.

"Good morning." Adam said with a small smile, making Sauli jump and turn around. He smiled at Adam, not paying much attention to the fact that it was the first time Adam wore a T-shirt in his presence.

"Morning. You scared me!" He said in a high pitched voice, "I made some coffee. And omelets, if you please. Sit at the table and I'll serve them to you."

"Thank you?" Adam giggled, walking to the dining room. He sat down and waited for Sauli to bring him a cup of coffee and a plate of omelet."

Once breakfast was served Sauli sat down with Adam at the dining table.

"Did you sleep well?" Sauli asked. Adam nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He couldn't start his day without coffee, but he wasn't really hungry. He didn't have a heart to tell Sauli, though.

The silence was heavy over them. It felt so hard to talk, like their mouths were sewed together or their jaws weighed so much they couldn't move them.

Sauli looked at Adam's arms. They were filled with old and recent, faded and clear scars, aside from the ones Sauli took care of last night. Adam had probably cut them yesterday during or before his anxiety attack.

Adam noticed Sauli staring and felt self-conscious again. He dropped his hands down on his lap so he could hide his arms under the table and away from Sauli's eyes. Maybe it was a mistake to wear a T-shirt? Who could ever be in the same room with him when his nasty arms were visible?

But Sauli had already seen them, there was no point in hiding. So Adam slowly raised his arms and folded them on the table, taking a sip of his coffee.

Sauli ate his omelet happily but Adam still didn't touch his, pushing it around with his fork and focusing only on his coffee.

"You know I can't help but wonder what on earth happened last night?" Sauli asked, a little carefully, not wanting to approach the subject too aggressively because he knew it must be a sore spot for Adam, "I know you don't want to talk about it but I still gotta ask."

Adam's jaw tightened, the muscles clenching visibly against his skin, before he sighed and pushed the plate further away from him.

"I'm not hungry." Was all he managed to say.

"It's alright, we don't have to talk about that." Sauli said, referring to his earlier question. He went back to eating his omelet, ignoring the fact that Adam didn't eat at all. He didn't take it personally, not everyone ate in the mornings.

"Good. Because I don't want to talk about it." Adam mumbled.

"I just thought it was weighing on your heart and that you might have wanted to talk about it." Sauli said, trying to hide behind his coffee cup before Adam would kill him with his eyes.

"Which part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?" Adam snapped, smashing his fork on the table and making Sauli flinch. Adam got up, stomping out of the dining room.

Sauli sighed. He took his time to eat and drink his coffee, hoping to give Adam time to calm, then he put his and Adam's dishes in the dish washer. He tried to come up with something to say to Adam, something to make him feel better, but he knew he couldn't do that. He couldn't fix everything.

It didn't work that way.

Sauli had no idea where Adam had gone. There was a possibility Sauli wouldn't find him in his huge ass house but he didn't want to just leave. He needed Adam to know that he cared about him, and leaving now wouldn't do much good for that.

If Adam had locked himself to his own bedroom or bathroom, there was no way Sauli would be able talk to him. The only thing he would be able to do would be to give Adam some time and wait until he'd come out. Because he would. Eventually.

But to Sauli's surprise, he found Adam in the TV room upstairs. He had changed into a black sweater which was by far the cuddliest one Sauli has ever seen. Adam was curled up on the couch, knees hugged to his chest and he was watching some sitcom series on TV.

"I expected you to lock yourself in your bedroom or something." Sauli said and sat on the couch next to Adam's feet.

"I did. For five minutes. Then I remembered that you wouldn't leave until I came out. I would have had to face you again sooner or later anyway, so..." Adam trailed off and started flicking through the channels again because the sitcom sucked.

Sauli smiled a little.

"You put on a sweater."

"Got cold." Adam mumbled and hugged his knees tighter against his chest with his free arm.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say." Sauli said with a small frown, "I can't say I know what you're going through because I don't. And I can't say I can imagine either, because I can't. Tell me what to say or do, Adam, because I feel helpless. I feel like everything I'd say or do is only going to upset you." he pleaded.

Adam's exhaled through his nose and tossed the remote aside. He felt bad for putting Sauli in this position, which was exactly why he never wanted anyone to find out about his self-harm or anxiety. It wasn't anyone else's burden to bear but his. He also felt weak and embarrassed by his behavior.

"I never meant for you to see me like that." Adam admitted, "I thought you had gone home with your avec once the concert was over. I never expected you to just walk in because no one ever does."

Adam played with the sleeves of his sweater, and god, his fingers were shaking.

"I'm sorry for putting you in this position, but it doesn't mean you're responsible of me now that you know. I don't want you to feel like you have to say or do anything. This is my fight with myself and I'm the only one who has deal with it."

"That's not true." Sauli said, reaching out to touch Adam's feet. He would have gone for his hands but they were still locked around his knees, and he wanted to touch Adam.

Adam stretched his legs so his feet were resting on the other side of Sauli's lap, unlocking his arms from around his knees, and Sauli immediately took a hold of his hand. It felt nice.

"I imagine you're used to handling things on your own, but you don't have to do this all alone. These kinds of battles are not meant to be dealt with alone." Sauli said in a gentle voice and stroked his thumb over Adam's knuckles.

"Tell me what else can I do? You have _no idea_ how embarrassed and ashamed I am just thinking of talking about _this_." Adam started, tugging at the sleeve of his sweater to indicate his arm, "Is humiliating to me."

"These are your battle scars. You shouldn't be ashamed of them." Sauli reminded, grabbing Adam's hand back into his.

"Yeah, from battles I have lost." Adam said in self-deprecation, "Strong people don't cut. So therefore I'm not strong. I'm just weak."

"Don't say that." Sauli hushed him, and, not able to help himself, he traced a fingertip over the vertical scar which was the most faded one, "This one is the only one that's not sideways. Correct me if I'm wrong but I heard these can kill you fast."

"They can kill you _faster_. But no, that was never my intention. I just didn't think that much and I needed some relief." Adam informed, his heart clenching at the memory and the way Sauli was touching his arm; so gentle and caring on the skin Adam was so ashamed and hateful towards.

"Considering you're taken, your touches are very intimate." Adam pointed out. Sauli's cheeks flushed pink and he immediately let his hand drop. Fuck, it just keeps happening.

"I'm sorry but I just.. You're like a magnet. I can't seem to keep my hands off of you."

"Then don't." Adam whispered, "Because I feel better every time you touch me. One way or another."

Sauli's face softened so much he thought he would melt. He forgot about his boyfriend and he forgot about Adam's self-harm, he just wanted to get closer to Adam right now. Adam sighed softly when Sauli started fixing their position. The couch was wide enough for them to cuddle with their legs tangled together and Sauli's head resting on Adam's chest.

Sauli placed his hand on Adam's stomach while Adam wrapped his arm around Sauli's shoulders.

"How come this is so wrong and I shouldn't be doing it but it still feels so right?" Sauli asked in a whisper, stroking Adam's belly with his hand, "Like there is nowhere else I'd rather be right now."

Adam hummed in quiet laughter, shifting a little. Sauli thought there was no sound he could possibly like more. On top of that, Adam felt so warm, comforting and big next to him. Like he was made for cuddling. But his eyes drifted back to Adam's arms and he remembered what they were discussing.

"I'm not going to pressure you to talk; I could never do that, but I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here." Sauli said.

"Thank you." Was all Adam said, but it was enough. Sauli didn't expect anything else and he was completely happy with those words as long as Adam remembered what he said.

"Can I ask you something though?" Adam asked.

"Anything."

"Are you happy?"

Sauli blinked, his hand stilling on Adam's stomach. He didn't really expect that question and it took a moment for him to think about the answer.

"I, uh... I guess? I mean yes. Yes, I'm happy. What made you ask that?"

Adam shrugged.

"Just that you're cuddling me, even though you have a boyfriend at home. Is it because you pity me?"

Sauli sat up and looked down at Adam's face. Adam wasn't looking back at him, he was staring at his hands, and like this, Sauli couldn't help but notice how long and dark his eyelashes were.

"No. I don't even know what I feel, or why I keep doing these things with you when I know I shouldn't. It's not about pitying you or wanting revenge or having an adrenaline rush." Sauli explained and Adam dared to raise his eyes and look at him, "It's about these feelings you've made me feel since I met you. And yes, I think I have a small crush on you, and it shouldn't be a reason to do all this, but I just... No, Adam, I'm not happy. But with you I always forget that. And I feel good."

Sauli couldn't believe he had said all these things out loud. It was the first time he admitted to not being happy, even to himself. Adam seemed a bit surprised, for a reason obviously, but not too freaked out. Fortunately.

Adam gave a him a small smile.

"Point for straight honesty."

Sauli chuckled, "Thanks."

"Care to tell me why you're not happy?" Adam asked, and Sauli settled back down.

"I'm just not. My boyfriend is neglecting and mentally abusing me, but I still pretend everything is fine. I somehow always just hope it'll get better, but it probably never will." He said, burying his face in Adam's chest and breathing his heavenly scent, "If I wouldn't have met you, my life in LA would be a disaster."

There he said it.

"I'm glad I've brought a little bit of good into your life." Adam murmured. Sauli looked up and Adam's lips were _right there_ and he he couldn't help himself. He pushed himself up a little bit to press their lips together but Adam turned his head.

"I don't want to be your rebound hook up." Adam said dimly.

"You're not a rebound hookup to me." Sauli reassured, "This is going to sound strange and unreal and everything crazy you've ever imagined, but I wouldn't have anyone over you right now."

Adam bit his lip. He felt like Sauli could easily use him due to his current state of his mind, but something about Sauli just told him that he wouldn't do such thing and Sauli didn't seem to be in a much better place than him.

"You're just saying that because of what you saw last night." Adam said, pushing himself up to sit on the edge of the couch and burying his tired face in his hands. He moved his hands to his hair and tugged on it, "I'm driving myself insane when I think about it. How you see me differently now and can never treat me the way you treated me before. Gosh, I never wanted you to see me like that."

Watching the way Adam's fingers tremble, Sauli couldn't help himself; he kneeled behind Adam and grabbed his hands, holding onto them and wrapping his arms around his middle, locking Adam's arms beneath his.

"Shh... You need to believe me when I say that nothing changed because of last night. You're not crazy; you're just dealing with some heavy stuff right now and I won't even claim to know with what." Sauli said soothingly and squeezed Adam's body gently yet surely, "But anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is your self-harm. Anyone would lose their way if they dealt with as much as you're dealing with."

"A few people have noticed my tendency to anxiety before. But they never... they just sort of avoid me, like they are afraid of me. Like I'm a different person." Adam said, feeling oddly calm considering Sauli was holding him still, "I'm not." he whispered.

"You're not." Sauli said quietly and nuzzled the nape of Adam's neck, "You're still the same Adam I met in a bar on Sunday night a couple of weeks ago. Don't be ashamed and don't hate yourself for what happened, okay?"

"I'll try." Adam said. Sauli loosened his arms around him and let him go, believing that Adam had edged away from the verge of panic, or something like that. Sauli wasn't sure what, but he knew Adam would have ripped his hair off sooner or later.

"Good."

Adam pulled himself back to the corner of the couch and Sauli took his previous position as well. He had decided not to even try to kiss Adam at the moment, he was happy with just being close to him.

Sauli's phone rang in the pocket of his jeans and he pulled it out. When he saw it was Jacob, he thought twice about answering.

"You gotta face the problems sooner or later." Adam reminded.

"Yeah, I know. I think I need to head home or he will call the police looking for me." Sauli said, not one bit excited when he got up from the couch. He leaned down to kiss Adam's forehead, "Text me later, or something. If you feel like it."

Adam nodded.

~*~

Adam decided to see Danielle after Sauli left. He felt like talking to a good friend of his because that's what friends were for. They listened to you ramble about that someone that made butterflies flutter in your stomach.

His safety wall had been shaken, but he still managed to be his usual self around Danielle.

Sauli on the other hand had to deal with his boyfriend. Which was only fair, of course, but he would have rather been with Adam the whole day and night and the day after. Sauli had heard about some people developing crushes while being in a relationship. But when you truly love and respect your partner, you will keep your desires in control and get over your crush over time.

Sauli didn't want either. He wanted to let his desire flow and never get over Adam, which brought him to a sad conclusion about his own relationship. Especially after Jacob got mad at him for hanging out with Adam so much, and decided to high tail from the conversation by saying he had a meeting and that "they will discuss this tomorrow".

Sauli knew by now that it would never happen. Every single time Jacob came up with a new excuse to run away, and he was tired of it.

An update on his wonderful accomplishments with his boyfriend along with a question as to what Adam was doing arrived in the form of a text message, and Adam smelled the sarcasm all the way across Hollywood.

_Was planning to go out with a few friends. You okay?_

Sauli sighed. He was disappointed but also happy that Adam was seeing his friends after the rough few days he had.

_I'm okay. Have fun. Can I see u tomorrow?_

_I should be free from 4 on. A few comedies might do some gooood for both of us. I can pick u up from town_

Sauli smiled at Adam's reply, quickly typing a response of his own.

_Sounds good. Some netflix and chill_

_lol check urban dictionary ;)_

Sauli blinked a few times then checked the urban dictionary for 'netflix' to find possible results. He chuckled, his cheeks flushing pink.

_whoopsie_

Adam didn't reply after that but it didn't matter; Sauli already felt lighter. Maybe he could bear until tomorrow without Adam.

~*~

"I don't think I love him anymore." Sauli told Adam the next day while watching Bridesmaids and munching on popcorns.

"Don't say that." Adam frowned. He hated hearing about Sauli's fiancé, he really did, but he didn't want to be an asshole and ignore what Sauli was saying.

"But I really feel like I don't. How can I love someone who is constantly neglecting me and acts like I don't exist?" Sauli asked and sank further down on the couch, "I just don't care."

"If you didn't care, you wouldn't get so worked up over it." Adam reminded.

"I'm not worked up! I'm completely chill." Sauli exclaimed, louder than necessary, and Adam couldn't help but laugh. Yeah, he sounded completely chill at the moment.

"I'm serious, though." Sauli continued, "I've been unhappy with him for a long time, now."

Sauli was no longer watching the movie, he was looking at the floor, seeming upset, which was understandable but it didn't mean that Adam had to like it.

"Why though? You never told me why. Is it just because he's neglecting you or is there something more?" Adam asked, reaching out to touch Sauli's leg. Sauli briefly glanced at the hand resting on his thigh, then decided to grab it. Adam smiled, intertwining their fingers.

"I don't know. I feel like I can't trust him when he's always running off to meetings or is out with his friends rather than staying home with me. Today he got really mad at me for seeing you; it's like it's okay for him to do anything he wants but when I go and hang out with you it's not okay."

Adam tensed, his fingers twitching. He didn't want to stir any trouble and he felt like Sauli's boyfriend was the last person he wanted for an enemy. Sauli squeezed Adam's hand to soothe him after sensing his tension.

"And he still ran away. He didn't even try to work things out with me. He takes me for granted and I hate it." Sauli said with a sad sigh. Okay, maybe he cared a little after all, but that didn't change the fact that he had feelings for Adam. He was so disappointed with himself; stuck in a relationship that was slowly running its course while having an enormous crush on Adam; someone he could probably never have.

Sauli turned his head and looked deeply into Adam's eyes. His eyes were so intense Adam felt like he was staring right into his soul.

"If I were him, I'd never take you for granted." Adam said in a soft voice, "I feel so lucky that I met you. And believe it or not, I'm that you saw me _that_ night and insisted on staying with me. God knows what I might have done to myself if you hadn't... "

Sauli felt a strong wave of warmth inside him. It felt so good to feel needed and important to somebody like that.

"Thank you. Somehow I have always known you have a lot on your heart, but I never knew you were hurting so bad you had to relieve it like that." Sauli whispered, unlacing their fingers so he could caress Adam's forearm through the thin cotton of his sweater.

"Who could possibly know?" Adam wondered out loud, "I have a good poker face."

"Apparently." Sauli whispered, not wanting to push it, though he craved to know what had driven Adam into this. Adam would talk when he felt like it and that was alright with him.

"Enough of the heavy." Adam decided, sinking lower on the couch as well, grabbing the popcorn bowl onto his lap, and turning his attention back to the movie, "Let's enjoy this movie and the fact that we are both so messed up but at least we're together in that."

Sauli grinned, nodding and approving of it.

"But do you wanna know the biggest reason why I don't feel so great with him?" He asked Adam, growing serious for just few more seconds.

"Yeah?"

"Because he doesn't touch me here." Sauli said quietly, laying a hand over his heart, "He never really did, not in the way I imagined a lover would, so I started to believe that I have an idealistic picture in my head and that reality was different."

Adam's heart skipped a beat when Sauli locked eyes with him.

~*~ 

The movie was actually funny, and the laughter was very much needed. Adam started to feel like the popcorn was going to pop out of his ears so he put the bowl aside and reached for his glass, which was surprisingly water, not alcohol.

Sauli was so caught up in the movie he didn't see Adam move the popcorn bowl and when he reached for it, he accidentally got a grope of Adam's crotch instead.

It took him a moment to realize his hand wasn't in the bowl, so he moved his hand a bit to the right and back to the left in search of the popcorn but... Oh wait...

"The bowl is not there anymore no matter how much you grope around." Adam said, more like wheezed, his body frozen, eyes unable to leave Sauli's hand.

Sauli's eyes finally snapped to check what Adam was saying. His hand felt like it was stuck just like the rest of his body, and he was only able to pull away when Adam cleared his throat.

"Sorry. Gosh, this is awkward." Sauli admitted, his cheeks probably flushed as hot as they felt. But Adam also had a healthy flush of color on his face which was utterly cute.

Adam giggled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm _so_ sorry. I keep harassing you." Sauli chuckled, hiding his face behind his hands so his voice came muffled on his next words, "I really didn't mean to grope you _there_."

Unlike what Sauli was thinking, Adam didn't feel offended in the slightest. He found the situation funny, yet heavy with sexual tension that he almost started to get hard when Sauli touched him. If he hadn't been so surprised he probably would have got an eager boner right then and there.

"No, it's... It's fine. It's okay. Don't sweat it." Adam said, taking a longer gulp of his water to cool himself. His dick was all 'don't interrupt my moment of glory'.

Sauli was fidgeting nervously, his hands sweaty. He had touched Adam's _cock_ , for God's sake. Sauli glanced over at Adam's lap and absent-mindedly bit his lip. Adam noticed that.

He sat closer to Sauli, closing the small distance between them and threw his arm on the backrest behind Sauli's head. Sauli's body twitched when he felt Adam's body and warmth press against him.

"You're warm." Adam murmured, his hot breath caressing Sauli's ear. Sauli turned his head, and Adam's face was right there, their noses almost touching. Sauli never thought he'd feel so good just from having another's warm breath puff against his face.

Sauli reached up to cup Adam's cheek, stroking the soft skin there. He leaned in to kiss Adam, but the man didn't let him, turning his head the slightest bit away.

"I want you to be sure about this... I don't want to be your fling; I can't let you so close to me and then watch you walk away." Adam said, his voice quiet and more vulnerable than Sauli would have guessed. Sex was always vulnerable, to some more than to others, but Sauli never expected Adam to act like that. Like he was scared of the possible consequences. He was always so flirty and oh-so-ready to jump in bed with him.

"You don't do one night stands, do you?" Sauli asked, "Not that I want us to be a one night stand, but I'm just curious."

"Oh, I do." Adam said right away, then chuckled, "Did. A lot. But then something happened. And I haven't done it ever since."

Sauli's dick was screaming at him to grab on, but his heart and mind were telling him to neglect his dick and listen to what Adam had to say. Sauli dropped his hand on Adam's thigh and stroked it soothingly, and sexually, but more soothing than anything.

"What happened?" Sauli asked softly, matching Adam's tone of voice.

"Can I just give you the short story for now?"

"Whatever you are comfortable with." Sauli reassured. Adam's heart was beating so fast and it wasn't even because of the sexual tension, but the fact that he was about to share something so painful and vulnerable with Sauli made his heart rage with something he couldn't define, or didn't want to acknowledge just yet.

"You can trust in me. I won't tell anything you've told me to a living soul; I already know you're suicidal and that's only for me to know." Sauli reminded, gazing into Adam's mesmerizing eyes, "Even though it's slowly killing me to know."

Adam nodded, looking at the hand Sauli had placed on his thigh. He grabbed it and held it tightly.

"You're kinda worrying me here." Sauli said. Adam chuckled nervously, looking at Sauli from under long lashes.

"I'm not dying and my dick hasn't been chopped off."

Sauli snorted. Oh, he did notice the latter one already. He appreciated how Adam wanted to lighten the mood in a heavy moment like this, even though he didn't need to.

"It's just that... My self-hatred used to run pretty deep. Because of the people and the media who constantly criticize me and monitor my every move. Then add all the hate you face in social media on a daily basis and sometimes even in the streets, and all the stress of your career and body image. I became my own worst enemy." Adam explained with a heavy voice and Sauli could tell how hard it was for him to talk about it, "I'd wake up, look in the mirror and hate every single thing I saw."

Adam took the hand he was holding closer to his stomach. Sauli shot Adam a questioning look when his hand was slid underneath the fabric of Adam's shirt and he could feel the warmth of Adam's skin beneath his fingers.

"Can you... Can you feel them? Or do I need to show them because I'd rather not." Adam said. Sauli frowned a little, his fingers sliding across Adam's stomach.

"I feel something. But I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel." Sauli said. He had a guess, a good guess probably, but he couldn't be 100 percent sure about it. Adam looked pained in so many ways and Sauli was hit with the urge to hold him and take everything that's ever hurt him away.

"Right. How silly of me." Adam said with a nervous smile and pulled Sauli's hand out, "The truth is that I cut my stomach pretty badly some time ago. And it's gross and ugly and unattractive and everything you can think of which is why I would _never ever_ let anyone see me naked because I barely can let myse-"

Sauli shut Adam up with a gentle kiss. Adam was frozen at first but then he melted into the kiss. It was their first real kiss, no the messy kisses under the influence or sudden foolish decisions and needs. It was just pure affection, caring and a hint of desire underneath.

Adam's lips were so plump and soft and moist, nothing like Sauli had ever experienced. Kissing was fun but it was mind-blowing when you were kissing someone you really liked. And Sauli really liked Adam. No self-harm in any way or form was going to change that.

Sauli savored Adam's mouth like he was the air he needed to breathe, hands cupping Adam's face now and stroking his cheeks, his hair. Adam wasn't used to this, to not being the one dominating the kiss, but he couldn't care less right now. This wasn't about dominance or submission, it was harmony, and it felt so damn good he couldn't suppress the moan that escaped. For a moment he forgot about his insecurities and everything bad that had ever happened to him.

Sauli inhaled deep through his nose like he was running out of oxygen, and he probably was. He slowly pulled away, Adam's bottom lip still caught between his, before he let it go.

"It's okay."

Two words. That was it. That was all Adam needed right now.

"Really?"

"Of course. If you still want to go further, whatever that means to you, I definitely do too." Sauli confided, reaching down to squeeze Adam's thigh. Adam chewed his lip, thinking. He shouldn't. They shouldn't. It was only bound to hurt them both at some point, with Sauli still being in a relationship, even if it was an unhappy one, and Adam so vulnerable to new people.

Adam tipped Sauli's head to the right angle, and locked their lips together. Sauli kissed back eagerly, wrapping his arm around Adam, holding him close.

Adam started pushing Sauli down on the couch and Sauli went down, pulling Adam down on top of him.

"Are you sure?" Adam asked, murmuring against Sauli's lips, "I mean you're basically cheating-"

"Do I look unsure?" Sauli hissed, giving Adam's bottom lip a gentle nip, "I'm as sure as it gets. Didn't you hear me when I told you I was unhappy? I'm more concerned about you."

"Oh, I'm sure." Adam's whispered, "But don't be too disappointed if this doesn't go the way you want."

Sauli stroked Adam's cheek and looked into his blue eyes, concerned.

"What do you mean? Are you really having second thoughts or-"

"No. Nothing like that... Just forget about it." Adam said, pushing their lips back together rather violently and Sauli let out a surprised moan, moving his hand to Adam's hair and stroking through the soft locks.

"But-" He managed to say.

"I said; Forget about it." Adam repeated, nudging his hips forward to press his slowly hardening cock against Sauli's groin.

"Okie." Sauli managed gasp, overwhelmed by the rush of want and need taking over him. Adam wasn't just kissing him, he was sucking, nibbling and licking his lips and it was driving Sauli _wild_.

His free hand went down to grasp Adam's ass, it was a damn nice piece of ass, and that was when Adam pulled away, licking his swollen lips.

"Come on." He said, getting up and pulling Sauli with him, "Let's move this to my bedroom."

Sauli followed Adam more than eagerly.

Once in the bedroom, Sauli tried to switch on the light, even on dim, because he loved to _see_ during sex, but Adam grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

"No lights." He said quietly, "I'm not that sexy to look at..."

Sauli wanted to ask if he was kidding. There was nothing he'd rather look at than Adam's naked body. But if Adam was even the slightest bit nervous as Sauli was right now, he understood him completely.

"If that's what you want." Sauli whispered. The room was dim, but not so dark you couldn't see a thing, so that was what he had to go by. And he was completely happy with it.

Sauli fell on his back on the bed and Adam straddled his hips. Sauli stroked Adam's thighs while looking into his shimmering eyes in the dark. He could easily see him as a whole, but details, like freckles, were hard to make out.

Adam smiled at him and spread his body on top of him. It didn't take longer than a second before Sauli cupped his face and brought their mouths together.

Forget about the sparks, the world around Sauli was bright with explosions. He had never had such chemistry with anyone before and it felt amazing. He wasn't just talking about making out but in general. He got along with Adam so well and it felt refreshing and brilliant.

This kind of spark he had missed. And Adam felt the same way. He had been chasing a high like this for so long.

Sauli ran his hands down Adam's slim body, feeling his broad shoulders, the creamy skin of his waist and his toned, yet soft ass, before going back up, making Adam shiver.

It's been a while since anyone had touched him the way Sauli did right now, and having this connection right now, tasting it, felt overwhelmingly good.

He reached out to touch Sauli's side and hip, hand sneaking under the fabric of his shirt. _Such hard muscles._

He felt Sauli's fingertips slide underneath his shirt as well. Adam had expected it but it made him feel uneasy for a moment, until Sauli rested his hands on his lower back.

Adam sighed in bliss, deepening the kiss. Sauli opened up for his tongue eagerly, and made soft sounds when their tongues touched and rubbed wetly together.

Adam started grinding his hips against Sauli's almost automatically. He could feel Sauli's dick against his, just as eager and hot, underneath all the layers of clothing.

Sauli held Adam tight, his arms around Adam, skin touching where Adam's shirt had ridden up a little to expose his lower back. He couldn't understand how such a simple thing felt so amazingly good.

Adam's skin felt hot and smooth and it was like a drug to Sauli. A drug that he wanted more of. So much more. He hooked his leg behind Adam's thighs and reached down to squeeze Adam's butt cheeks.

Adam let out a pleased sound, pulling away from the kiss and latching his mouth on Sauli's neck. Sauli sighed, dragging his hands back up just to feel Adam's figure.

Adam's mouth was exploring, still trying to find his sweet spots, and it felt amazing and so damn hot. Just the fact that Adam was sucking on the skin of his neck was enough to make Sauli shiver.

His mind was nowhere else but in this very moment. His head, heart and body craved this and only this.

Sauli flipped them over and lay between Adam's spread legs. Adam grunted in surprise.

Sauli licked along Adam's jawline and nipped his ear playfully before pressing his mouth against the side of his neck. Adam sighed happily, throwing his head back to offer more skin.

It was funny how just kissing Adam's skin, feeling his heady taste against his tongue, could make him feel so damn good, even if he wasn't the one receiving.

But the sounds Adam was making and the way he squirmed when Sauli reached a spot that was particularly very sensitive, were the sexiest things Sauli had ever encountered. Just knowing that he was the one making Adam feel that way made him feel warm inside. He _cared_ so much about how Adam was feeling at the moment.

His desire for Adam was unbelievable.

Then, something, somewhere, broke the trance.

"Fuck." Adam cursed, "It's my phone." he informed, glancing around to see it buzzing with an incoming call.

"No one needs you more than I do right now." Sauli hissed and gently bit the skin of Adam's neck for emphasis. Adam gasped, tilting his head back and curling his fingers in Sauli's hair.

"Oh, I like the sound of that." Adam whispered, "But I hate pissed off managers and publicists."

Sauli groaned, sliding lower and laying his head on Adam's chest while Adam grabbed his phone and answered, without bothering to look at the caller ID.

Sauli circled Adam's nipple through the fabric of his shirt and watched as the small bud peaked through the cotton under the playful stimulation. He stopped though when he heard Adam say;

"Tomorrow morning? That's not going to happen."

Sauli glanced up at Adam's face and even in the dim room he could see a deep frown there. Adam pushed himself up and Sauli let him, sitting up himself and just looking at Adam worriedly as he ran his hand through his hair with a weary sigh.

"You already _promised_ them? Without even asking me first?"

Sauli tensed. Adam was getting worked up, now even more than usual since the call interrupted their little sexy moment.

"Yeah... I guess. Can't really say 'no' anymore, can I? See you there." Adam said dimly and hung up, tossing his phone carelessly on the floor. It landed on a pile of clothes, fortunately.

" _Adam, Adam, Adam. This and that and this. Go there, come here, now go there and then go there _" Adam imitated. It felt like that was all he heard anymore. He fell back on the bed on his back with a heavy sigh.__

__Sauli lay down as well._ _

__"You okay?"_ _

__"Yeah. I just thought I could sleep in tomorrow." Adam said and rolled on his side, facing Sauli. Sauli could see that there was more to it than just sleeping in but he didn't want to intrude._ _

__"Where were we?" Adam asked quietly, cupping Sauli's cheek and dragging himself closer to him._ _

__"Are you sure?" Sauli asked, pressing their foreheads together, "If this is a bad moment, we can just-"_ _

__"Keep asking that and I'll get really annoyed. Then I won't be in the mood any longer. Take it or leave it."_ _

__Sauli smiled, pressing a kiss to Adam's slightly parted lips, "I'll take it."_ _

__"Good." Adam murmured, capturing Sauli's lip between his._ _

__Not wanting to waste any more precious time, Sauli tugged on the hem of Adam's shirt to get it off, but Adam pulled the hem back down right away._ _

__Adam wanted to feel Sauli's hands on him just as desperately as Sauli wanted to touch him, but he was so self-conscious about his looks, and about the things Sauli could feel around his middle. He had a bit too much cushion on his bones in his opinion, and he had to shed more of it._ _

__Sauli didn't push it. He rolled on his back, pulling Adam on top of him. Adam was pleased with the position change and he hummed in approval. So did Sauli, the pressure of Adam's weight on top of his own body, between his spread legs, was something he happily bore._ _

__Sauli ran his hands up Adam's back and sank his fingers in his thick, soft hair. Sauli loved healthy and silky hair, it felt so utterly satisfying to touch during sex, making out or just cuddling._ _

__Adam would purr if he could. Nothing got him more relaxed and giddy than gentle, and not-so-gentle, hair play. He loved it when his hair was being gently pet but he went absolutely crazy when someone pulled on it and ruffled it during sex. Just like Sauli was doing now._ _

__Adam pulled away from the kiss and sat up between Sauli's knees. Sauli couldn't see him as good as he wished but he imagined his lips were raw, swollen and red and the look on his face was wild and lustful._ _

__Suddenly Sauli found himself sitting up too, lips ghosting over Adam's while his curious hands were back on the hem of Adam's shirt without Sauli having control over it._ _

__This time Adam didn't protest, instead he raised his arms so Sauli could take his sweater off. He was left in a black tank top, scarred arms exposed in the darkness._ _

__Sauli wanted to kiss them but he felt like he shouldn't give them any extra attention that would make Adam feel uncomfortable. So instead Sauli brought their mouths back together and ran his hands down from Adam's shoulders just to enjoy the feeling of bare, hot skin._ _

__Adam tensed when Sauli went over his forearms, mostly because they still felt so tender to be touched much. The twitch of Adam's left arm made Sauli pull away from the kiss apologetically._ _

__"Sorry. I didn't know they were still-"_ _

__"No, no, it's okay." Adam rushed out, "Your turn." he whispered, pulling on Sauli's shirt. Sauli didn't hesitate at all, he threw his one and only shirt he was now wearing, over his head right away._ _

__Adam felt bad for not being able to have sex in light. He wanted to see Sauli's body _so bad_. He wanted to see every little detail and map it out. Adam could do nothing but feel Sauli's abs with his thumbs and that alone made his dick twitch._ _

__Sauli shivered._ _

__"Adam,,, " He pleaded, nuzzling Adam's neck, "Can you...?" He asked, suggestively pulling on Adam's shirt._ _

__Adam exhaled, "Yeah, okay. Okay." He whispered, raising his arms out of the way. Sauli was impatient and trembling in anticipation, but somehow succeeded to get the shirt out of the way. He tossed it on the floor and lay both of his hands on Adam's chest._ _

__He felt warm skin, muscle and body fat beneath his palms, and a light dust of hair tickling him. But he was too focused on the rapid beating of Adam's heart. Sure, Sauli was nervous and aroused as well, but his heart didn't beat _quite_ that fast._ _

__"I'm not so gorgeous to look at." Adam whispered, "In so many ways."_ _

__"Oh, hush." Sauli all but sighed, "Baby, I can't see much of you but _I know_ you're gorgeous. I don't find any reason why you wouldn't be."_ _

__Adam had imagined that the day he stripped off his top in front of someone, it would feel liberating and wonderful, but now it felt forced and very uncomfortable more than anything. It made him anxious. His mind was only wrapped around the fact that he was topless under Sauli's eyes, and that made his sexual excitement decrease._ _

__His mind was restless as always._ _

___What is he thinking? Can he see the scars? What is he going to think about the **love handles**? Oh my god, I'm really gross. I must look really awful_._ _

__Sauli was quiet, concerned, as he watched Adam slowly pull away from him with a small frown._ _

__"Adam?"_ _

__"I... I don't think I can do this." He said. They always say the mind was the biggest sex organ, but apparently it was a double edged sword; too much thinking and worrying will only make you lose your sex drive._ _

__"I don't feel good." Adam whispered, "I really don't."_ _

__Sauli heard Adam's ragged breathing and saw how bad his hand trembled as he brought it up and ran it through his hair._ _

__"Hey, it's okay." Sauli whispered right away, sitting closer to Adam and stroking his shoulder, "Shh. It's really okay, you don't have to do this now. Just relax."_ _

__"I _wanted_ to. I _really_ wanted to but I just _can't. _" Adam said, "For a moment it all actually felt good but then I just remembered-"___ _

____"Honey, it's fine." Sauli reassured and kept stroking Adam's shoulder and the back of his neck, "It's okay."_ _ _ _

____Sauli felt like he couldn't say that enough._ _ _ _

____"I'm fucked up." Adam declared, standing up and reaching for this top, pulling it over his head._ _ _ _

____"So am I"._ _ _ _

____"Not as bad as I am." Adam huffed, spinning around so he could go to the bathroom, lock himself there and never come out._ _ _ _

____"You wouldn't know, would you?" Sauli said and grabbed Adam by the wrist, "Please don't go. And don't make me leave either. We really don't need to have sex or anything, but I really want to be with you right now."_ _ _ _

____Adam sighed, gazing into Sauli's eyes. He sat back on the bed when Sauli gently pulled on his hand._ _ _ _

____"I want to be with you too. I can't bear another lonely night."_ _ _ _

____"And I can't bear another night without you." Sauli whispered, "Can I switch on the lights now?"_ _ _ _

____Adam chuckled sheepishly, looking down as he nodded. Sauli reached out to flick on the bedside lamp. It wasn't too bright but it still made him squint his eyes a little._ _ _ _

____He smiled wider when his eyes focused on Adam. And God, he was so beautiful it made Sauli's stomach drop. He really wanted to have Adam in every way possible and hold onto him. He wanted to kiss his lips swollen and slowly move to his neck and down his chest, map out every inch of sensitive skin._ _ _ _

____He wanted to dip the his tongue into his belly button, see how he would react, and look up into his eyes while moving lower to his-_ _ _ _

____"Sauli?"_ _ _ _

____Sauli blinked. He was staring again and probably looked like a creepy pervert stalker._ _ _ _

____"Right here." He blushed, clearing his throat a little, "My mind got a little carried away."_ _ _ _

____"Established as much." Adam said, a little amused, "You really want me."_ _ _ _

____"Of course I want you. I'm not gonna lie about that." Sauli said in all his honesty. He didn't think that it would bother Adam, why would it? Last time he checked, Adam was pretty smug about it._ _ _ _

____"No, I mean... you _really_ want me." Adam said with a silly smile on his lips, "I really thought I was turning you off."_ _ _ _

____"What? _You_? Turning me _off_? _How_?" Sauli all but squeaked._ _ _ _

____Adam shrugged, sitting up against the headboard because his back was getting tired. When Sauli caught up with the fact that Adam was actually _serious_ about it, he dragged himself up, copying Adam's position._ _ _ _

____Adam swallowed nervously and exhaled a heavy, shuddering breath. He opened his mouth and tried to say something, anything at all to maybe strike up some conversation about the subject, but no words came out of his mouth._ _ _ _

____He covered his eyes with his hand when he felt a sudden sting in them._ _ _ _

____"Hey." Sauli whispered, curling his fingers around Adam's thigh soothingly, "What is it?"_ _ _ _

____"I dunno." Adam confessed, sniffing a little and blinking his eyes, willing the tears to stay there and not run down his cheeks. His anxiety had the tendency to make him bawl all of a sudden without a proper reason _or_ not feel anything at all. Like apathy._ _ _ _

____"You have no idea how much I wish that I could help you some way." Sauli said quietly and stroked Adam's thigh, "I see you and I see this amazing personality that contains so much laughter, dirty jokes and button-pushing to the point of annoyance,"_ _ _ _

____Adam laughed a little, dropping his hand down._ _ _ _

____"Yet, I know that you have something so dark and heavy on your heart. Asking questions will only make you worked up so I won't ask nothing but one question; Have you ever considered talking to someone? And by someone I mean a psychologist or something." Sauli approached it a little carefully, knowing that the reaction might be the familiar "I'm not crazy!" and then you would have to explain yourself._ _ _ _

____"I'm an artist. I know I'm fucked up to the core, but everything I create comes exactly from this fucked up mind."_ _ _ _

____It was actually pretty heart-breaking to hear._ _ _ _

____"I'm afraid that I would lose my creativity." Adam admitted, rubbing his face, "A shrink isn't an option to me. It's just not."_ _ _ _

____Sauli frowned a little, his hand still curled around Adam's thigh. He got that many people might be in denial about professional help because it seemed too final. It was like the last step to the label "You're crazy"._ _ _ _

____"I've got to be honest here and say that I haven't heard many of your songs. Maybe a few. But don't you think a happy mind could also work wonders?" Sauli asked._ _ _ _

____Adam shrugged, not too excited about the whole idea._ _ _ _

____"Pain is the best foundation for creativity. Haven't you noticed that songs about pain, heart break or self-hatred are more touching than giddy songs about loving someone? Most people can relate to pain on some level, but not nearly as many people can relate to feeling blissful."_ _ _ _

____Sauli bit his lip and remained quiet._ _ _ _

____"Look, I don't _want_ to feel this way, I really don't. It's not like I enjoy it." Adam said, shaking his head as he searched for the right words, "It's like a volcano most of the time, seems steady when you look at it, but inside it's boiling, stronger and stronger every day. And then one day it'll erupt."_ _ _ _

____"Then where all this boiling of _yours_ comes from? Heart ache?" Sauli asked._ _ _ _

____"No." Adam whispered with a hint of bitter laughter, like what Sauli just said was ridiculous to him, "Haven't you seen any papers?"_ _ _ _

____Sauli shrugged, "Not my thing to base opinions or knowledge on tabloids."_ _ _ _

____Adam turned his head to look at Sauli. Sauli couldn't read him or his expression, he never could, actually._ _ _ _

____"So, you don't know anything about me?" Adam asked._ _ _ _

____"Only the things you have told me. Just like when two people meet and get to know each other." Sauli said and Adam arched his eyebrow a little. He let out a giggle, covering his mouth again like he was embarrassed. He always did that when he giggled. It was more high-pitched than his usual laughter._ _ _ _

____Sauli had to bite his lip to keep the stupid grin off his face._ _ _ _

____"What?" He asked._ _ _ _

____"Nothing, I just... It's shocking." Adam said, dropping his hand down on top of Sauli's which was still holding onto his thigh._ _ _ _

____"I'm actually relieved that I can talk about things with you personally and make things clear from the start."_ _ _ _

____"I'm all ears. Whatever you want to tell me."_ _ _ _

____Adam took a deep breath, bracing himself, then exhaled. He tried to come up with something to say, something which would open a door to the conversation, but he couldn't think of anything._ _ _ _

____"I don't even know where to start." He sighed._ _ _ _

____Sauli turned his hand so that he was now holding Adam's hand in his and gave his fingers a gentle squeeze._ _ _ _

____"Where ever you want to start from. The foundation of your creativity? Pain?"_ _ _ _

____"Right. I guess I just... I don't even know. I can't even remember the last time when I didn't feel some kind of pain." Adam admitted, and his expression along with his words were shattering, "I was a mess even before all the fame happened. Then it got worse. A whole lot worse."_ _ _ _

____"What happened?" Sauli asked with a small frown, leaning closer to Adam, as close as he could without actually crawling into his lap._ _ _ _

____Adam shrugged._ _ _ _

____"It all just... Grew out of my control. After my second album release, one person from my label once said that it's starting to feel like the atmosphere of a superstar. And I wasn't sure if I wanted that. I wasn't even sure what it meant." Adam said. He remembered clearly when it happened though, the realization that he was treated differently by people around him like he was some royalty._ _ _ _

____"Suddenly the world wanted a piece of me. I still remember my first paparazzi 'ambush' when I once left my house. I was alone and I didn't know how I was supposed to deal with dozens of guys running after me, snapping pictures and yelling questions. I just kept walking and tried my best to ignore them. And yet people wanted to look at photos of me walking out of a store, doing nothing. I was a little amused at that point."_ _ _ _

____Sauli had never gotten a look into a celebrity's life up close. Sure you can watch documentaries and interviews and all that but this was him listening to a person in private, seeing all those genuine emotions on his face._ _ _ _

____"I got used to it, the paparazzi didn't really bother me for so long, and I actually got chatty with them. Until once I was just feeling very low and kind of anxious about everything that was going on and I just wanted to get back home and be alone. And they were after me again, bombarding me with annoying questions and pushing their cameras in my face. I was with my friends and they sort of tried to block them away and helped me to the car." Adam explained, his eyes far away as he remembered._ _ _ _

____Sauli looked at Adam softly as he played with his fingers and listened to him talking, "I can't imagine how that felt like."_ _ _ _

____"Yeah... I think it was the first time I kinda realized that I no longer had any privacy. I started crying and looked at Danielle, a good friend of mine, and I just asked _What am I supposed to do in this space?_. And the worst thing was that she looked at me for a while with that sad expression, and then she shrugged."_ _ _ _

____It had made Adam's heart drop. He didn't expect Danielle to know the right thing to say to him to reassure him, but the shrug she gave him was the worst._ _ _ _

____"My life was splashed on every page, claiming I did this and that and I suffer from this and I have this and that. I remember looking at the news and articles online and thinking 'Oh my God, this is what people use when they paint a picture of me'. They believe all that crap because it sounds so juicy, they don't care about what I have to say in all that." Adam said bitterly. Sauli glanced at his face and was relieved to see that he didn't look too pained so he didn't have to feel bad for asking in the first place._ _ _ _

____"I care." Sauli whispered._ _ _ _

____"I know you do." Adam smiled, locking his eyes with Sauli's, "Otherwise I wouldn't be telling you all this."_ _ _ _

____Sauli couldn't help but peck him on the lips. Adam appreciated the comforting gestured and it made him feel even more at ease than before._ _ _ _

____"I grew really anxious about everything I said, did, wrote and even wore. And especially how I looked. The constant monitoring of my life was driving me insane. Then came the other pressures. People expected more from my career and my image. I _needed_ to be and act a certain way to be a 'good' popstar." Adam huffed and started rubbing his eyes. Sauli followed his expressions closely, not wanting to push Adam too far out of his comfort zone._ _ _ _

____"Like what the fuck do these people expect from me? I'm not a fucking machine that can deal with all this and meet everyone's expectations. It might be surprising but fuck, I actually have feelings." Adam said, his tone unsteady and Sauli saw his eyes were getting red, "And the words _hurt_ every single time. I'm only human..."_ _ _ _

____Sauli wanted to hurt every single person that ever made Adam feel like this. He couldn't understand how someone can drive a person to a corner and play him like a puppet, couldn't understand how people want to buy magazines with pictures where someone desperately tried to get into his car and was clearly in mental pain, and therefore feed the wallets of these crazy paparazzi and tabloid editors._ _ _ _

____"The sad thing is that all this is not even why I feel so fucked up. It's like a third of all that." Adam all but sobbed, desperately trying to stop himself from crying but failing miserably. Sauli didn't want him to go any further right now, it just didn't feel right._ _ _ _

____"Hey." He whispered, adjusting his position and pulling Adam into his embrace. To his surprise, Adam clung to him, burying his face in his chest like it was the safest and most comforting place for him to be in right now._ _ _ _

____"It's okay. Just cry if you need to." Sauli whispered, stroking Adam's hair. Adam didn't cry for longer than few seconds though, he was so used to swallowing and bottling it all up instead of just bawling like a baby._ _ _ _

____Sauli waited for Adam to continue talking but he remained silent, so he didn't ask him to. He'd open up again when he was ready. Poor baby._ _ _ _

____It took about 15 minutes of nothing but silence for Adam to fall asleep on Sauli's chest, snuffling peacefully. Sauli followed soon after._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Adam woke up a few hours later. He was confused at first why he was sleeping in Sauli's arms, but he remembered everything quickly._ _ _ _

____"Hey." Adam whispered and poked Sauli in the ribs, then shook his shoulder, "Wake up."_ _ _ _

____Sauli let out a sleepy hum but showed no signs of waking up. But as cute as he looked right now, Adam really, really wanted to get under the covers and try to sleep away the nasty feeling of feeling too bare. Emotionally. It was the feeling he hated the most._ _ _ _

____"Sauli." He said, not whispering anymore and shook Sauli again, "Wake up."_ _ _ _

____Sauli's eyes fluttered open and he glanced at the person shaking him. Gosh, if that wasn't beauty, nothing else was._ _ _ _

____"You need to wake up." Adam said to him._ _ _ _

____Sauli yawned, sliding off the bed for a few seconds. He had no idea if Adam wanted him to sleep with him or just go the guest room like usual._ _ _ _

____"Do you... want me to go?" Sauli asked._ _ _ _

____Adam sighed, "I'll let you decide for yourself. I'll go to brush my teeth now."_ _ _ _

____Sauli bit his lip and watched Adam step away from the bed. He turned around at the bathroom door and gave Sauli a soft yet hurt look._ _ _ _

____"If it was up to me I'd never want you to go. Whatever that means to you. But it's not up to me. It's not me who's in a relationship with someone else."_ _ _ _

____With that, Adam disappeared into the bathroom. Sauli sighed. He was the worst of the worst boyfriends ever, but he couldn't blame himself for it any longer. He couldn't deny Adam from himself, he just couldn't._ _ _ _

____Sauli took off his jeans and socks, and slid underneath the comfy duvet of Adam's bed. Oh, he could get used to this. He hated that he couldn't brush his teeth but at least he got to sleep beside Adam._ _ _ _

____Sauli rolled over and pressed his face into Adam's pillow. Mm, it smelled like him. _Now I'm being creepy_. Sauli thought and turned on his back, closing his eyes and waiting for Adam to come back._ _ _ _

____He did in a few minutes._ _ _ _

____"So you decided." He said with a small smile and stood beside his bed, taking a bottle of water from the nightstand. He opened his drawer and pulled out a small prescription bottle._ _ _ _

____"I did." Sauli beamed, "What are those?"_ _ _ _

____"Sleeping pills." Adam said and dropped one on the inside of his palm._ _ _ _

____"Oh, okay."_ _ _ _

____Adam drank it down with mouthful of water and glanced at Sauli who was staring at the bottle. Adam put it back in the drawer and Sauli blinked, not wanting to seem like he was too shocked. Although he kinda was; he didn't think that Adam had troubles sleeping._ _ _ _

____"Don't look so shocked." Adam said, "This is almost essential."_ _ _ _

____Sauli just nodded._ _ _ _

____Adam stood still on the side of his bed, arms crossed, and just looking at Sauli._ _ _ _

____"What?" Sauli asked._ _ _ _

____"I need to strip. Look away."_ _ _ _

____Sauli wasn't sure whether he found that adorable or incredibly sad. Adam comes across as a very confident, even a little cocky but in tasteful level, guy, and yet he was so genuinely upset about his appearance it made Sauli's heart ache for him._ _ _ _

____"What if I don't?" Sauli asked and arched an eyebrow playfully, hugging one of Adam's big pillows to his chest._ _ _ _

____"Then I'm just gonna stand there."_ _ _ _

____"Adaaaam, a half-naked man is nothing new to me."_ _ _ _

____"It's not about what it is to you, it is about what it is to me." Adam said quietly and looked down at floor, crossing his arms tighter which could only mean a desperate need to hide, "Just shut the light."_ _ _ _

____Sauli did as Adam asked him to, and reached over to shut the lights off. He saw Adam's figure as he took off his jeans and socks, and tossed them on the chair nearby. He looked a little hesitant when he got on the bed._ _ _ _

____Adam had one duvet they'd need to share, it was huge so they wouldn't have to sleep cheek to cheek if they didn't want to._ _ _ _

____He had only two thoughts in his head considering the proximity of the two of them; a) his own body was hideous, and b) what on Earth did Sauli _want from him_?_ _ _ _

____"You really have the worst self-esteem when it comes to your body." Sauli declared, watching Adam lay on his back and fidget nervously, "You could have put on some loose pants or something, if that would make you feel better."_ _ _ _

____Adam shook his head, "No, it's just... Sooner or later I'd have to let you see. Assuming and desperately believing that you're not just after my dick or ass and that you won't leave the second you have had them."_ _ _ _

____Sauli felt a punch of lust _and_ guilt _and_ disbelief inside of him. Taking Adam's words literally, Adam just declared that they were going to have sex at some point. Add to it that he had a boyfriend at home, and that Adam really feared that he was here just to play him._ _ _ _

____"Adam," Sauli started, turning on his side and propping his body on his forearm, "I don't normally do this; fool around with others while in a relationship. Actually I have never, ever, done it before. And _I know_ that it doesn't justify anything, but I just needed you to know that."_ _ _ _

____"Okay." Adam said quietly._ _ _ _

____Suddenly Sauli wanted to leave. It wasn't because he didn't want to be around Adam, but he just wasn't receiving the response he was hoping for. It was like Adam didn't want him there regardless of what he said. His previous outburst was long forgotten and Adam probably wished it never happened._ _ _ _

____"Where did the person I met in a bar go? Where did he hide his infectious laughter and cocky-like confidence?" Sauli asked, not wanting to insult Adam or make him feel like it wasn't okay to be the way he was now, he just wanted to hear._ _ _ _

____"He was gone with the veil I shred off when I let you feel the scars on my abdomen." Adam said dimly and turned on his side, his back towards Sauli, "You are slithering under my skin like a snake I'm too afraid to shake away. But I also know that if it comes any closer I'll be in danger."_ _ _ _

____Sauli sighed, running his hand through his blonde locks. He was rather offended; he never wanted to come across as too pushy. He offered to listen if Adam wanted to talk but he never wanted him to feel like he _had_ to._ _ _ _

____"Then why are you afraid to shake it off? Because it might bite you even harder?"_ _ _ _

____"You could say so." Adam said, clutching the duvet to his chest._ _ _ _

____"Adam, I don't know what you want me to say. Or do. You say you don't want me to go, yet you act like that's all you actually really want. I'm confused." Sauli said, slumping on his back on the bed and staring at the ceiling, "If you want me to leave you alone just say it and I promise you I will never bother you again."_ _ _ _

____Sauli waited for an answer but Adam didn't say anything. He almost huffed, he was really getting annoyed by Adam's see-saw behavior. He was getting frustrated at _himself_ because he wanted to know what to do._ _ _ _

____"And if you do want me to go... I'm not going to like... Take revenge on you or anything. So you don't have to be afraid of any bites." Sauli reassured, whispering, and moved closer to Adam. He traced his fingers over the top of his shoulder, "Okay?"_ _ _ _

____"Okay."_ _ _ _

____Sauli leaned down to press a kiss on the side of Adam's neck and cheek. It made Adam's lips twitch into a sweet smile, and that was all Sauli needed in his life right now._ _ _ _

____He gave Adam some more space again and moved back to his previous spot._ _ _ _

____He imagined he was already on the edge of sleep when he felt Adam move close to him. Sauli opened his eyes and saw that Adam was already asleep. It was a heart-wrenching, subconscious and quiet plea for comfort and shelter. Sauli smiled and wrapped his arm around Adam._ _ _ _

____He couldn't help but wonder how badly things were if you pleaded like that even in your sleep._ _ _ _

______ _ _

~*~ 

Sauli left Adam's place early since Adam had some places to go. Adam invited him to his show downtown tonight and Sauli agreed to attend if nothing else came up.

Later, he went on a lunch date with his cousin, Veera. Sauli kept swirling the spoon in his coffee, lost in his thoughts, and he barely heard what Veera was saying to him. He could see her mouth move every now and then when he looked up, he heard noises but it was all just one big blurry sound he couldn't understand.

"Adam Lambert."

"Huh?" Sauli's head perked up and he looked at his friend, "Adam? What about him?"

"Nothing. Just needed to get your attention." Veera said, crossing her arms, "Okay, just spit it out. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing's bothering me." Sauli frowned and took a sip of his coffee which was almost cold by now. Veera cocked her eyebrow and looked at him with that look that practically said _I can see right through you_.

"What?"

"It's Adam, right? I know you."

Sauli shrugged, trying to avoid the conversation because he didn't really want to talk about it. But he knew Veera well enough to know that she wasn't going to let it go before she got her answers.

"You have spent a lot of time with him recently."

"I know I have." Sauli mumbled, frowning a little.

"Yet you're not getting where you want, right? Adam Lambert isn't an easy one I guess." Veera said, bringing her iced coffee glass to her lips and taking a sip.

"I don't even know what I want." Sauli said in a low, groaning, tone, and pushed his plate further aside like he wasn't hungry at all at the moment, "And it gets more and more unclear every time I see him. First he gets close to me, then he backs even further away than he ever was in the first place, and it leaves me wondering why do I even try. What for."

Veera gave him a knowing yet gentle look.

"I think that's simply because he's afraid of you." She said and Sauli's head snapped up, a deep frown on his face, and she fixed her words immediately, "Not specifically _you_ , but your motives. He doesn't know what you _want_ from him." she said.

Sauli still looked at her blankly.

"He's a superstar. I think he's had his fair share of fake friends, gold-diggers and fake lovers. Think about it yourself... A person who is engaged approaches you and tries to get into your life. This person has admitted his enormous crush on you, therefore you'd expect a sex affair to happen. But I assume that isn't the case with you. So what he sees in you is this wonderful person who _seems_ to care about him on a very deep level, deeper than friend, but still shows no signs of leaving his current boyfriend."

Sauli blinked, taking in all what Veera just said to him. Slowly it all made more sense to him. Veera had always been good at these things, and whether they were true or not, they were very believable theories.

"He can't understand what you're trying to do." Veera said, "If he runs away, feeling threatened by you, and you chase him, he's only going to run faster."

Sauli sighed, "If he really feels that way about me, I don't know what to do."

"Give him some time to come to you first." Veera said simply, "He will if he really wants to."

"And if he doesn't?" Sauli asked.

"Then you just gotta let him go." Veera said matter of factly. Sauli made a face. It all sounded like it could make sense, but knowing Adam even the way he did now, made Sauli sure that even if he was in a desperate need for help, he wouldn't ask for it. It would be a small, quiet plea through something else. Or even a wail for help, but not honest to god words.

"I think I'm a mess. Like... What am I gonna do?" Sauli asked, resting his head against his hand and poking his food around with his fork, "Not only with Adam but also with Jacob. I never saw myself as the guy of two men."

Veera flashed him a partly understanding smile. She didn't really approve his behavior, to her mind cheating in any form was never good, but she was here to support him in his decisions, not rant at him. Too much, at least.

"If you were happy with your current relationship, would you be fooling around with Adam?" Veera asked seriously and eyed her cousin intensively.

"I don't fool around with him. He's not a toy to me." Sauli said right away, "He's a really sweet person. He's kind, funny, thoughtful... He's very charismatic. He attracts attention. But he also has this other side to him, he's-"

Sauli stopped mid-sentence. He wanted to share all of this with Veera but he suddenly felt like something in him stopped him from talking. The Adam he just described was someone everybody could relate to. But the Adam he was about to describe was someone only a few people knew.

"He's what?" Veera asked, looking at Sauli under her lashes.

"Many things. I don't really-"

"I know. I get it. You don't have to tell me." She said with a small smile and took a bite of her salad, "But back to my question... What do you _really_ want from him?"

_I want to help him. I want to pull him out of the dark place his mind has went. I want to save him. I want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. I want to tell him 'Stop. You're too important'. I want to let him know that no matter what happens, I will always be there. And mostly, I want to love him_

"I... I'd tell you if I knew." Sauli said.

"So, there you have it. If you don't know it, how could he know it? As your cousin, but mostly as your friend, I'd say figure it out. Then tell Adam _and_ also figure out where you want things to go with Jacob." Veera said, "Otherwise you're digging a hole for yourself and you'll end up losing both of them."

That was sadly true. And Sauli knew that.

~*~ 

Later that day Sauli couldn't resist the temptation to google Adam some more. He wanted to know why Veera was sort of in denial about him even though she didn't admit it. Sauli could still see it. She even called him a 'Troubled superstar'.

Sauli had his laptop open on the living room table and was browsing through the articles on the search results.

**Good night for Adam Lambert: Singer wins two Grammys for Record of the Year and Song of the year**

Sauli smiled. And what a beautiful photo of Adam. He didn't see the difference between the Song of the Year and Record of the Year but Adam had the Grammy statues for both. Maybe he could ask Adam someday. He was pretty sure he'd enjoy talking about that.

Anyway.

**Glam-rock singer Adam Lambert gets serious: 'My worst enemy is myself'**

Sauli clicked on the article and eyed it through, looking for something that would catch his eye.

_Lambert's smile slowly fades and he gets more serious over the subject,_

_"Yes, of course. I am only a human among others after all. I do know those days when you look in the mirror and hate almost everything you see. Everybody gets those days. And I'm not an exception_

Sauli's frown turned sad and he looked at the date of the article. It was an old one, almost 4 years back. He browsed the page through and checked the _'You might also like'_ suggestions.

**Dear, oh dear! Click to see photos of Adam Lambert's shockingly ill appearance! Only on TMZ!**

**Is American Idol singer suffering from eating disorders?**

Sauli felt his guts churn. He decided not to open either of the news articles for his own sake, and rumors were always rumors. He promised to hear these things from Adam and Adam only. Though Adam and eating disorders was something he never considered, it didn't even cross his mind.

But now that he thought of it, it all could make sense.

He returned to the Google results and saw happier and not so gossip-like news again,

**Adam Lambert gushes over his new album: "I think people are gonna love it!"**

**Adam Lambert talks about music, love and fashion**

Sauli bit his lip and read through both of them. He started feeling more and more stalkerish. Then something caught his eye,

**Talk about second-hand embarrassment! Adam Lambert seen drunk as a skunk in West Hollywood**

Sauli checked the date again and saw that it was old, about 6 months old. Phew! So it couldn't be the night they met.

Sauli did see a few gossip articles about Adam and his "tasty dish" which was him, but he didn't bother. He added the word _'troubled'_ to his google search to see what it had to offer then.

No.

He couldn't.

He shut the laptop in a flash and sat back on the couch.

"What is it that you're hiding." He whispered to himself, thinking. He heard the door open and close, and Jacob walked in. He had a couple of Whole Foods shopping bags with him.

"Hey. I'm surprised to see you here." He said.

"Likewise." Sauli replied, standing up. This time it was him who wanted to run away, he couldn't even look Jacob in the eye right now. He spent the previous night making out with Adam, listening to his outburst and holding him in his arms. He didn't really feel guilty, he was mostly just mad at himself. He never saw himself as an unfaithful partner, no matter how bad the situation in the relationship got.

"No, don't go anywhere." Jacob said, pressing his hand on Sauli's chest to stop him, "I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_ for being a dick. After returning from New Zealand I noticed that I might actually lose you... you had gotten close with another man. Taking you for granted is the worst I have ever done."

Sauli swallowed hard, trying to keep his face as neutral as possible.

"Adam and I are just friends."

It slipped. Again.

"I know. I didn't believe you'd cheat, you have never given me a reason to doubt you." Jacob said, gazing into Sauli's eyes. Sauli's stomach dropped and he was sure as hell that his knees would betray him any second now, "So please... forgive me. I know I have been a terrible fiancé for the past few months... ever since we moved together here to LA. But I believe it's because it takes time to get used to. I have given you dozens of reasons to believe I am being unfaithful but I am not."

He had always known how to do this, how to talk out of all the fuss and trouble. Sauli should know by now that it was nothing but lies and attempts to manipulate him. But at the same time, Jacob looked very genuine right now and worried over the fact that he might lose him.

"If you want to walk out of that door now... I'm not gonna stop you." Jacob declared and dropped his hand from Sauli's chest. Sauli found himself falling for the trick all over again, his anger fading a big degree, "If your happiness is not here... There's nothing I can do. I won't stand in your way."

Sauli sighed and didn't step past his boyfriend.

In a second he found himself in his embrace. Sauli's arms went loosely around the slightly bigger body, but the hug lacked real warmth and affection, and Sauli could feel it.

"I was actually planning to surprise you with dinner but since you're home, we could cook together." Jacob suggested, and pulled away with a small smile. Sauli smiled, looking back into his eyes and nodded.

A few hours later he glanced at the clock, noticing that he was missing out on the first minutes of Adam's show. A hand that squeezed his bicep distracted his thoughts, and he smiled, burying his face in the chest of another person. Maybe Adam won't even remember he invited him.

Another few hours and Sauli's phone rang. He reached out to where where it had ended up on the floor along with his pants a while ago. He checked the caller ID and saw that it was Adam.

"Why don't you pick up?"

Sauli bit his lip and pressed 'decline'.

"Because I'm spending a night with you now." Sauli said simply and tossed his phone back on the pile of clothes. He snuggled back up against Jacob's chest and tried to make up his fucking mind.

~*~ 

Sauli couldn't sleep.

He was lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His mind was fully wrapped around Adam, just how he guilty he felt for not attending his show tonight and not picking up when Adam called him. He felt more guilty over that than he ever did over cheating.

He closed his eyes so he could see Adam's beautiful smile more clearly in his head. He needed it to comfort himself and get over the fact that Adam might be mad at him for not coming to his show _and_ not picking up the phone. Maybe he had something important to talk about.

Or maybe he wanted to ask why Sauli didn't come. That was probably it, Sauli thought and rolled over on his side.

Adam had beautiful teeth. So white and bright.

Sauli smiled, his heart doing a flip in his chest. It felt giddy and funny, made his whole body tingly and alive. His stomach filled with butterflies the more he thought about it.

His mind went back to the moment he and Adam shared their first sober and real kiss. Such a big wave of warmth ran through his whole body, and it made him feel even more giddy than before. He felt more alive than he did during the whole night with his boyfriend.

His fingers twitched when he remembered the moment he had touched Adam's bare skin. He could feel the warmth of it, the dip of his back and curve of his ass underneath his palms as he ran his hands over his body.

Sauli's eyes snapped open. He turned around again, too restless to settle.

He glanced over at Jacob who was sleeping with his face towards him. As much as he wished he'd feel guilty for thinking about Adam and getting all these feelings while sleeping in bed with his fiancé, he didn't. He just didn't.

Sauli loved Jacob. He did. The night refreshed his memory of that, but the love he felt didn't compare to the love he always wanted to feel. Maybe he just had unrealistic expectations about real love. Life wasn't a movie.

Anyway, he really loved Ad- Jacob. Sauli almost groaned against his pillow. He loved _Jacob_. He really wanted to be with him. Now that they made up, it was the wisest decision to make.

Sauli turned around again. Adam. _Adam_. He wanted Adam. He wanted Adam in so many ways. His heart wanted him, his body wanted him. The only thing protesting those feelings was his mind.

Jesus.

Sauli held a hand over his thudding heart and sat up as quietly as he could. He grabbed his phone and tiptoed out of the bedroom, closing the door after and letting out a sigh as he walked to the kitchen.

He put his phone on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water. He poured some in a glass and tried to make sense out of his feelings.

Fuck. He was so fucked.

And _fuck_ , now he poured the water past the glass' capacity. He hissed out a nice verse of Finnish curses and reached for a towel. He wiped the table and put the bottle back in the fridge.

Fortunately his phone didn't get wet.

He took a mouthful of water and typed Adam a text message,

_I miss you_.

Nope. That was a bit too straight forward. He wasn't quite there yet. Even though he did miss Adam in a way that just made him want to see him and every minute spent apart felt like an hour.

Sauli deleted the text and tried again,

_Are you busy?_

Well done, Sauli, a great question to ask in the _middle of the night_. Adam was probably sleeping. Delete. Again. Sauli sighed and tried once again,

_Sorry I couldn't come. Something came up. Can we meet tomorrow?_

Good enough. He pressed _send_ before he could change his mind.

Sauli sat on the kitchen counter and waited for a reply. But it didn't come.

Now that he thought of it... Knowing Adam, he could have really wanted Sauli there. The disturbing images of the scene in the dressing room after the Queen show flooded Sauli's mind and it made him feel reckless.

He grabbed his phone again and didn't think twice when he called Adam.

He tapped his fingers against his thigh and waited for him to pick up. It took a while but when he heard the line connect and Adam murmur a low _"Huh?"_ on the other end, Sauli felt relieved.

"Adam? Are you alright? I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight, I... I texted you and you didn't reply and I just-"

_"Sauli, have you actually seen the clock? It's 3.30 a.m."_ Adam groaned. He sounded tired, his voice raspy, which was kind of cute in a way.

But wait, _what?_ Was it really 3.30 a.m.? Sauli had totally lost track of time while tossing and turning in bed.

"God, that's right." Sauli hissed, staring at the clock, "I'm sorry I woke you up. I was just... I dunno. Worried? I guess."

_"Okay?"_

Sauli felt so paranoid and so stupid. He felt like having a desperate crush on Adam and his heart kept making cart-wheels.

"I just needed to hear you're okay. I want to... I mean I _need_ to see you tomorrow." Sauli all put pleaded, his voice a whisper and Adam just knew he wasn't home alone no longer. And Sauli didn't want Jacob to hear.

_"Sauli, I'm..._

"Confused. And afraid. I know. We could talk tomorrow."

Adam was quiet for a second. Which could only mean he was pondering or having doubts, and it made Sauli a little uneasy. He bit his lip.

_"My place... somewhere around afternoon? Call me when you get here_

"That's good. See you then. Good night."

~*~

Sauli made it to Adam's place around 2 p.m.

"I guess you had a busy night." Adam said, looking somewhat offended by something. He had this look that Sauli could recognize as bitterness or anger, no matter how hard Adam tried to hide it, "And fun, I guess."

Sauli frowned a little. Then Adam brushed the side of his neck with his fingers and made a face,

"Double the fun."

Sauli blushed, hiding the apparent hickey with his palm like it helped anymore. He couldn't even look Adam in the eye for some unknown reason. How didn't he notice that when he checked the mirror before he left his apartment?

"You couldn't get it from me so suddenly the older one was good too." Adam said and lead Sauli further inside the house.

"That's not true." Sauli insisted right away and followed Adam like a lost puppy, all the way to the living room, "We just... Made up. He apologized. And he was genuine about it. I forgave him."

Adam felt his heart clench painfully but he did his best to hide the flooding emotions from his face.

"That's... Great." He gritted out and sat in the corner of the couch, hugging his knees to his chest. Sauli sat next to his feet and tried to shake the tension off his shoulders but he couldn't.

"Adam-"

"Then what's my part in all this?" Adam interrupted.

"I... I don't know." Sauli admitted, flinching at just how bad it sounded.

Adam rolled his eyes. A gesture so simple can hurt worse than words ever could, and Sauli wasn't going to lie about that. It stung to know that Adam was indeed pissed at him and he probably scorned the way he acted.

"So I'm like... A person you accidentally got involved with and you feel bad for him because he's such a mess and therefore you don't want to tell him to just fuck off because you're a nice person." Adam said and hugged his knees tighter against his chest.

"What? No. I-"

"Save your explanations." Adam hissed, "I don't want to hear it."

Sauli sighed, "Are you jealous? Because you have known from the beginning that I'm engaged"

"Oh I have. Yet you have been like a leech all over me. In every possible meaning of it. And not too long ago, oh _oh_ it was _the other night_ , when you told me you're about to call it quits with your precious fiancé." Adam mumbled, his frown deepening even more, "And you even lied that you have a crush on me. Was it just a desperate way to try to get into my pants?"

Sauli opened his mouth to stop Adam from saying anything more, but Adam stormed up in a flash and continued talking,

"Or maybe you're just sucking information out of me and waiting for the perfect moment to destroy me and my career..."

"Relax." Sauli said right away and stood up, walking over to Adam and touching his shoulder, "That's not the case."

Adam jerked away from the contact. He was boiling inside, anger and jealousy taking over his whole body. He couldn't understand why. He knew Sauli was taken and Sauli never had any intentions to cheat on his fiancé. He was just in the moment last time.

And said that he had a crush. A crush can be innocent. Crushes happen.

"I called you in the middle of the night because I couldn't stop thinking about you." Sauli whispered, "I felt bad for not coming to your show and declining your call. I felt worse about that than I ever did about kissing you behind my boyfriend's back."

Adam was quiet, taking deep, calming breaths.

"My heart beats for you. And my head is one big mess. My mind tells me to do this while my heart tells me to do that." Sauli told him and dared to wrap his arms around Adam's waist from behind, "I'm not here to hurt you. Not on purpose and hopefully not accidentally, either."

"Then why am I hurting?" Adam asked quietly, untangling himself from Sauli's arms and stepping away to lean against the backrest of one arm chair, "I mean... more than I normally do."

Sauli sighed quietly and shrugged, his heart clenching.

"Why are you here in the first place?" Adam asked, walking around the chair and sitting down. In Sauli's opinion he looked a little unwell. More pale and tired than usually.

"Because I wanted to see you." Sauli said and sat back on the couch where he could see Adam, "Because I... I miss you when you're not around."

"I needed you." Adam said quietly, out of nowhere, like he didn't even hear what Sauli said to him, "Last night. When I called"

Adam looked lost, hurt and mostly, not himself. Sauli didn't even know who Adam's real self was.

"Well, I'm here now if you need me." Sauli said, trying not to get offended by the way Adam ignored his confession.

"You don't get it." Adam said in a quiet, hurt voice, "I _needed_ you. You were the only person I could have called in that state of mind..."

Sauli grew worried and gave Adam a questioning look,

"You can tell me now." Sauli offered gently and scooted down from the couch to sit on the floor between Adam's knees instead, "You can still trust me the way you did before. I'm not always within reach, not for you or for anyone, but I try as often as I can. Now... what happened?"

Sauli stroked Adam's knees and gazed into his blue eyes which kept avoiding him. Adam picked at his nail polish and searched for the right thing to say.

"I couldn't help it." He finally admitted, "It came so strongly onto me."

Sauli had his doubts. Adam probably had an anxiety attack once again and in that state of mind he was known to become reckless and suicidal. Sauli was afraid that Adam was going to hurt himself fatally one of those times.

Sauli's silence didn't really make Adam feel good. Maybe Sauli wasn't as understanding about it as he thought he was. He probably thought Adam was just a pathetic loser who couldn't even fight the urge to hurt himself.

"Hm. I was wondering why you were wearing that cuddly sweater again." Sauli said with a small smile, stroking Adam's knees like it was all _okay_. And if it wasn't, it was going to be. Sooner or later.

A little smile appeared on Adam's face too.

"You think it's cuddly?" Adam asked, hugging himself, which Sauli found unbelievably cute.

"Oh yeah. Or at least it makes you look cuddly." Sauli smiled, reaching out to touch the soft fabric of the sweater, "And it feels cuddly too."

Sauli looked into Adam's eyes and saw them glisten more than normally, like he was holding back tears.

"You're not judging me? You're not mad?" He asked when Sauli felt the sweater like a small kitten when it clung to your clothes. Sauli looked surprised and completely taken aback by his questions, and he immediately shook his head.

"No. No, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" Sauli asked.

Adam shrugged. He didn't really know. If the situation was reversed, Adam would never be mad at a suicidal person. He couldn't. But somehow it felt like his cutting gave Sauli all the possible reasons to hate him and not want to be around him. Who would ever want a burden like that in their lives?

Sauli moved his hands to Adam's arms and stroked over them.

"I'm not mad at you for that. I never could. It only makes me question why you do it." Sauli whispered, going over Adam's forearms, which made Adam hiss in pain and his hands twitched,

"Shit. Sorry." Sauli muttered, placing his hands on top of Adam's.

" 's fine" Adam mumbled, "It's just the only thing I can think of when I'm under too much pressure. It's like a rush that takes my mind off of everything for a few seconds."

It sort of made sense to Sauli. He could easily imagine how a bad anxiety attack could cause unpredictable behavior and anything that made you feel better, you'd do it.

"You said you needed me.. There must have been something more than just wishing I'd rush for your aid and stop you from the cutting."

"Oh, you couldn't have saved me from cutting." Adam said right away with a dim, self-deprecating laugh. When he did that, Sauli felt completely ignorant about the subject. It made him feel so dumb he almost cringed.

"Then what?" Sauli asked, not letting it go.

Adam's bitter smile slowly faded and he made a face. It wasn't not like he was in the mood to talk about it _anymore_ , that ship sailed a long time ago. But Sauli wasn't going to let it go until he talked.

"I just... It just- I mean... It just didn't get better. The pain was just right there and it felt over-whelming for a few seconds."

Sauli frowned a little, "You mean the physical or...?"

"No. The other one. I just felt so crushingly afraid and alone, and I only wanted someone to be there with me but when I couldn't reach you, I just-"

Adam took a deep breath and calmed himself down a notch. He had his break down last night, he didn't need to go through another one now.

Sauli had his fears. They only grew stronger when he saw how upset Adam was over it, even though he tried to hide it the best he could.

Suddenly Adam buried his face in his hands and groaned,

"God, what am I doing? You're not my therapist or some shit."

Sauli stroked Adam's bicep, "No, I'm not. But I'm your friend and I care about you. You should never feel bad for talking to me about anything."

Adam yanked away from the touch and stormed up. Sauli watched him turn his back to him and face the bookshelf, arms crossed in a self-defensive way.

"I don't want to be torn open like that." Adam hissed, "You are the first person in this entire world who I feel comfortable talking to about all that's going on with me. But it doesn't mean that I want to be broken open like that..."

Sauli bit his lip and stood up as well, but kept his distance. He didn't want to invade Adam's personal space when he obviously didn't want him to.

"I hate losing control over myself. Or the situation around me. That's what usually makes me anxious." Adam told him and turned around to face Sauli when he felt like he could again, "So I don't get it why my mind just craves talking and opening up to you."

Sauli shrugged, giving Adam a soft look, "Maybe you trust me."

"It's a scary thought." Adam said so quietly Sauli barely heard him. But it was just wrong, _so wrong_ , that Adam had to be afraid of trusting in someone. Everyone was, to some level, but Adam was downright _terrified_.

Adam turned away again because looking at Sauli was suddenly too much for him to handle.

"I don't know why you care so much. Your life is perfect. You live in LA and you have a hot fiancé, and you're just... You're just perfect. Perfect people don't exist. Maybe that's why I'm scared shitless."

"I don't want you to be afraid of me. You don't _need_ to be afraid of me. I can't make you trust me so I guess the only thing I can offer you is time." Sauli said.

"It's all that I need." Adam replied right away, and dared to turn around again, "Time."

Adam kind of wanted to tell Sauli how he lingered in the bath tub last night, a handful of sleeping pills in his palm, blade in the other. And how he finally fumbled out of the tub and flushed the pills down the toilet before he'd do something he couldn't take back.

It was Sauli who pulled him back from the edge. Even though he hadn't picked up, the thought of him did good.

But Adam wasn't ready to tell him that. Not all of that.

"I'm hurting so much inside." Adam admitted, because he knew Sauli knew that already so there was nothing new to it, "Sometimes I wonder if the pain can actually kill you... Then I remember it can't... it's just... _there_. All the time. So I start to wish it could."

Sauli's heart clenched painfully. Adam looked like something you'd imagine a fallen angel would look like. So beautiful it almost hurt to look at; His hair falling perfectly over his forehead, eyes so wide and blue you could almost drown in them, yet he looked so hurt and wounded it almost shattered the beauty you saw into nothing.

Sauli looked at him for a while that felt like forever, a painfully long silence lingering above them.

"Please don't go." Sauli finally whispered, and at first Adam wasn't quite sure what he meant by it, but then he understood. It was like Sauli saw right into his core through his eyes.

"No, I- No. I won't." Adam said, "Honestly though... sometimes I wish-"

"No". Sauli interrupted, stepping closer to Adam and looking into his eyes, "Don't even finish that sentence."

"-I could be someone else." Adam finished anyway, 'cause he thought Sauli believed he'd say something way worse.

"Oh." Sauli looked relieved, "Don't we all sometimes?"

Adam shrugged, "I guess so."

Then the silence fell upon them again. Adam hated it. Hated how much Sauli's behavior around him had changed now that he knew more about him. He thought too much, worried too much... But maybe it was only fair since Adam couldn't say he was the same as the first time they met, either.

But all Adam craved from Sauli was acceptance. Reassurance. Not understandment. Because he obviously couldn't offer him that.

"I got to admit that when I met you in the bar, I never could have imagined all the things that I know about you now." Sauli said, looking at Adam and the way he only stared at the floor, "I _knew_ you were hurt. But I imagined it was a broken heart. I had no idea you were even famous. You were this amazing, funny and flirty person who I enjoyed being around."

Adam hummed a short response. Sauli didn't know what he was supposed to say or what Adam wanted him to say. Adam looked almost bored, tired for sure, maybe because Sauli had once again pointed out the obvious and nothing that Adam wouldn't already know.

"It's just that... I don't like talking about it that much. I try to express things through art. People are always like... 'It's a decision. Just get up and start the day so you could forget all the bad stuff. Like I should just grow a thicker skin..."

Sauli bit his lip, thinking. He had never faced a wall when he was talking or listening to someone. But now he was simply lost. He had no idea what to say or do.

Adam continued,

"But I guess it must be that way then." He said bitterly, that bitter smile on his lips again, "I smile every day. I laugh. I entertain and make people happy. So I must be okay then. How could I not be?"

Sauli reached out to touch but pulled his hand back before he could. Almost like Adam was so fragile he'd break if he touched him.

"You're still amazing." Sauli blurted out, "Are you still funny? I bet, but today you're just having a bad day. Flirty? I'm sure, but blame it on the bad day again."

A quiet chuckle escaped Adam's lips and he finally lifted his head to look at Sauli. Sauli smiled at him.

"I bet you hear the 'You're amazing' every single day but I'm telling it to you _now_." Sauli said, gently running his hands over Adam's arms once he got the courage to reach out for him, "While knowing all this other 'shit' as you like to call it yourself. Yeah, you cut. And you're 'fucked up' to the core I bet, like you once said yourself. I know that. And you're also hurt, I know that too."

Adam's eyes were glistening as he gazed into Sauli's baby blue eyes and listened to the words so un-familiar to him.

"Because you know, the pain you feel in here," Sauli said, moving his hands to the sides of Adam's head and cradling it, "Is as human as it can possibly get. Because it's only proof that there is only so much one can take. I could never blame you for being a human."

Sauli let his hands down and placed them on Adam's hips,

"Feel as much as you need to, but never hate yourself for it." Sauli reminded, "Because no one else will either. And if someone does, fuck them, they are not worthy of you anyway."

"Thank you." Was all Adam could say. Sauli didn't except a speech anyway, so he just wrapped his arms around Adam's body and hugged him. Adam melted into it and enjoyed the feeling of being cared of.

They hugged each other for a short eternity until Adam's tummy growled and he pulled away with sheepish chuckle.

"Haven't eaten anything yet." He said, "You want coffee?"

Sauli chuckled, "Sure."

Adam led Sauli to the kitchen, and Sauli couldn't help but notice how Adam carefully stepped on his right leg. He didn't exactly limp, just was very aware and careful not to put too much weight on it.

"You okay?"

"Huh?"

"Your leg."

"Oh, right. It's nothing. A pulled muscle probably." Adam told him.

Sauli felt like this all had happened before. He remembered it quite vividly from one of the first times he met up with Adam.

"No, it's not." Sauli said, "Not again. What is it?"

Adam was quiet for a while, casually reaching out to take a few mugs from the upper shelf of the cabinet. This was his open chance to bare everything, but he wasn't sure he was ready for it.

Though Sauli knew almost everything there was to know about the looks of his body.

"Last night," Adam started and made himself turn around to face Sauli, "It sank deep."

Sauli gave him a small, confused frown.

Adam sighed, closing his eyes, "The blade. It went deeper than I meant."

Sauli was quiet at first.

"But- What? I mean... You- Your thighs too?" Sauli stuttered out and Adam gave him a careless shrug, "Show me."

Adam grew tense and immediately shook his head no. The scars on his thighs were the ones he was most insecure about, for no specific reason, he just was. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that once he had made them, he stopped having one night stands.

Because he loved playful little kisses and flicks on his thighs before a blowjob but they feel like a distant memory now. He loved it when his partner grew anticipation and arousal by rubbing his inner thighs but he couldn't even bear that touch anymore.

"It's either a doctor or me." Sauli insisted.

"Chill for God's sake." Adam squeaked, "I'm not dying. I have done it countless of times before."

"You said it went deep." Sauli squeaked back, and Adam sighed, knowing he couldn't win this fight, "Let me see."

"You're not getting anywhere near them. Period." Adam said and moved to his coffee maker and switched it on. He had everything ready earlier, assuming that Sauli would stay for a cup of coffee.

He went to the fridge to see if he had anything he could eat. He didn't have much appetite at the moment for some reason.

"They were the reason you didn't want to have sex with me. Am I right?" Sauli asked, a little carefully.

Adam shut the fridge. He just lost the last shreds of his appetite.

Sauli thought he got mad and he wanted to apologize for being too nosy about it. But Adam slowly turned around, looking like everything but mad.

"Not only them. I just don't see myself as a very attractive person while... Naked." Adam admitted and looked down at his body, "I never did. And when I started cutting I hated myself even more. I just... I just don't think it's possible for me to enjoy intimacy when I keep worrying about the way I look and what you might think about me. How _could_ you be turned on by something like me?"

Sauli wanted to remind Adam that he was, still is, quite hot for him. He would have worshipped every single body part Adam had if he just had the chance.

"Well, we're not having sex now. I just want to make sure you haven't hurt yourself too bad."

"You're not a doctor." Adam said with a playful smile.

"For you I can be." Sauli winked, " _Or_ I can drag you to a real doctor. One of those old ones who never smile."

Adam scrunched his nose in displeasure.

"Maybe he's ugly too." Sauli added thoughtfully.

Adam giggled, and for a second he felt lighter than air. Sauli replied with a smile and gave him a questioning look, reaching out his hand for him, "So?"

Adam sighed, biting his lip. He took Sauli's hand after a moment of pondering and Sauli pulled him close.

"Rather you than an ugly, unhappy doctor." Adam said, "But I'd rather not have you either."

"I'll try not to get offended by that." Sauli smiled and led Adam back to the living room where he sat him on the couch. Adam promised himself a long time ago that if someone was ever to see his scars, it would be with someone he was in a relationship with.

Sauli would be a potential candidate by now but he was dating. And apparently his relationship made a magical healing so Adam had no idea why he was letting himself do this.

"Can I just raise the pant leg of my sweats?" Adam asked, 'cause lowering the pants would feel way too awkward.

"Do as you like. If you can raise it high enough." Sauli said.

Adam pulled the pant leg higher, mumbling something along the lines of 'oh god'. It wasn't hard to tell he didn't actually enjoy it but at least Sauli made him do it.

Sauli noticed Adam's well-toned calves and then mentally slapped himself. _Not_ the time to think about anything else but Adam and the fact that he was lashing over his comfort zone.

Adam pulled the pant leg as high as he could, somewhere around the middle of his thigh. It was enough to expose the fresh cut and some of the old ones, but kept the ones closest to his groin, hidden.

Sauli could tell some of them were quite old, faded almost, but then there were some no older than a week, and the newest one was the most red and deepest. At least it looked like it now.

"See? It's not that bad." Adam said quietly, "Can I go now?"

"But-"

"I cleaned it this morning and it didn't need any band-aid. It's not bleeding anymore. It'll heal over the time."

Sauli crouched down before the couch and moved Adam's hand out of the way to get a proper look.

Sauli frowned, using his thumb and forefinger to spread the skin around the cut to see how deep it was.

Adam hissed, "Ow."

"Sorry. You sure it doesn't need stitches?" Sauli asked with the same frown on his face, "It doesn't bleed but it looks pretty deep."

"Poetic." Adam smirked, "No, it doesn't need any stitches."

Sauli made a face, "Well, I guess you know it yourself. Just wanted to make sure."

"You just wanted a reason to grope me." Adam said with a wink and Sauli gave him a glare, "You could kiss it better."

"Don't tempt me." Sauli said with a warning tone and traced his fingers around the cut, careful not to touch it directly to avoid spreading any bacteria.

Adam gave him a sly smile.

"I still don't get you, you know?" Adam asked and Sauli sighed, hot breath brushing against the skin of Adam's thigh, and it felt way better and sexier than Adam dared to expect ever again.

"I don't get myself either." Sauli admitted, "I'm trying very hard though."

Adam's whole body twitched when he felt Sauli's lips touch the side of his knee. Sauli wanted nothing but to suck on the skin beneath his mouth, gently bite the good skin he could still find, and keep going further up.

Then he'd give Adam pleasure so that his whole body squirmed and-

"Sauli?" Adam called out loud, "You're almost like... sucking on my thigh."

Sauli blinked and pulled away instantly. Fuck, he was losing it.

He cleared his throat, mumbling an apology, and pulled the pant leg down. Adam bit his lip,

"Felt kind of nice..."

Sauli gave Adam a look that was in a way so pained, desperate and lost, that it made Adam want to comfort him.

"Seriously, don't tempt me." Sauli said, "I already know I'm a terrible person."

"How can you be terrible when you're doing all this stuff for me? Like... you're the only person who bothers to care." Adam said and Sauli wanted to smile at that, wanted to believe it was all okay, but it really, really wasn't.

"I care about you so much." Sauli confirmed and stood up, tipping Adam's head up by his chin and stroking his thumb over his cheek, "So much it's blinding me."

"You sure you're only talking about caring now?"

"No." Sauli admitted, "Can we just have the coffee now?" He asked, dropping his hand down.

Adam nodded, standing up. His vision got blurry and he wobbled forward, caught by Sauli's arms which almost caused him to trip too.

"Woah. You okay?"

"Yeah, I... I just got a little dizzy. Got up so quick." Adam said and straightened back up with Sauli's help.

The frown didn't leave Sauli's face as he looked at Adam, "You sure?"

Adam nodded. Sauli followed behind him and then Adam grabbed the wall nearby and stopped walking.

"Adam?"

"I don't feel good." Adam said in a rush and crouched on the floor, "I'm gonna faint."

"No." Sauli said automatically but couldn't really do anything as Adam lost his consciousness. Luckily he had crouched so the fall wasn't that hard.

"Hey." Sauli called out, turning Adam on his back and shaking him, "Adam. Adam!"

When he got no reaction, he reached for his phone to dial 911 just in case. Better safe than sorry, especially when it came to things like this. He explained to the lady who replied the what had happened as best as he could, dropping in the fact that Adam was a celebrity before giving her the address.

Maybe they had private ambulances and can avoid the media fuss somehow.

He knew it wasn't necessary to see a doctor after fainting but considering how weird Adam had been acting earlier, god knew what had happened or could happen.

He turned Adam on his side like the lady had instructed and focused on trying to wake Adam up by calling his name and gently shaking him.

To his relief, Adam's eyes fluttered open after a while.

"Hey. Welcome back, you scared me." Sauli said with a relieved smile, "How do you feel?"

"Nauseous." Adam admitted, "Suddenly sleepy..."

Sauli helped Adam up to a sitting position against the cabinet door. He handed him a glass of water and stroked his shoulder,

"I called an ambulance. I know I probably wouldn't have needed it but I just-"

"It's fine." Adam said right away, "It's alright"

To Sauli's mind, it was weird that he didn't protest at all. But he didn't want to start asking any stressful questions right now, the most important thing was that Adam was awake and most likely alright.

Once the ambulance arrived, they took Adam's blood pressure and did some other things that Sauli wasn't quite sure what they were.

"We'd like you to come with us, Mr. Lambert. We're a bit concerned over your blood pressure so we'd like to take further tests." Said the ambulance man.

Adam shot a glance to Sauli, then back to the man, and nodded.

~*~ 

Sauli was surprised that they took Adam into the hospital care for now. He grew concerned and didn't want to leave the hospital until Adam woke up again. Apparently he was just sleeping now.

"Look, I'm sorry, a friend of mine is hurt and I really want to be there for... her" Sauli said to his fiance over the phone. He wanted to avoid another argument with him, "I'll be home as soon as I know more. Okay. I love you. Bye."

Sauli put his phone back into his pocket and entered Adam's room.

"Is he alright?"

"Yeah, he's sleeping now. Unfortunately that's all I can tell you." The nurse said with a small smile, watching as Sauli nodded understandingly, "He'll tell you if he wants once he wakes up."

"Yeah. Thank you." Sauli smiled. The nurse left the room and Sauli sat on the chair next to the bed,

"Hi, beautiful." He whispered, giving Adam's forehead a brief, gentle peck. He truly was beautiful. It was probably the 100th time Sauli realized that, but it managed to amaze him every single time.

He pulled out his phone again and decided to kill some time while waiting.

*

Adam blinked awake a few hours later, only to see that no one was beside him. The empty chair made his stomach churn. It didn't really surprise him but he'd lie if he said it didn't hurt.

Adam clutched the covers over him and pressed the side of his face against the pillow. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry so much but it once again felt like it was stuck inside him and he wasn't able to release it.

"Adam? Are you awake?"

Adam jerked slightly, startling the voice coming from the same room. He turned a little and glanced behind him, seeing Sauli stand beside the window.

"Oh." He was able to say. He turned his back towards Sauli again, "You're here."

"Yeah?" Sauli moved closer to the bed and touched Adam's hip, stroking a little through the bed cover, "How do you feel?"

Adam blinked, his eyes suddenly stinging. Sauli always managed to do that. Pull those tears out of him just like that. Just his presence alone made Adam cry right now. The way he cared about him and the way he wanted to make sure he was okay, felt over-whelming.

"Good I guess." Adam mumbled, "I'm surprised that you're here though..."

Sauli sat on the edge of the bed, still stroking Adam's hip,

"What'd you mean?"

"I was already prepared to wake up alone." Adam said quietly and clutched the duvet to his chest, "Do you know how many times this has happened? And how many times I've woken up, expecting to see my loved ones here and _every time_ all I see is an empty room."

Sauli felt something tighten in his chest. He stood up, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. There was a burning sensation in his throat and he needed to fight very hard not to burst into tears.

"And yeah I know, it makes you question things. If no one ever shows up, there must be something wrong with _me_."

Sauli swallowed hard and exhaled, "Okay just _shut. Up_." He hissed, surprising himself too.

"What?"

"There is _nothing wrong_ with you." Sauli pressured and turned around towards the bed again, but Adam still had his back towards him, "But I can see why they wouldn't show up."

Adam felt his stomach drop and he felt sick. He was expecting Sauli to see something he didn't see himself. Something that kept people away, made him a poison that no one wanted around.

But he never thought he'd say it so straight.

"Do you think this is easy for me? Do you really think that I enjoyed staying here for 6 hours, watching you lay motionless on the bed and not knowing what was wrong? They told me you were asleep but how could I know, they aren't allowed to tell me anything. You frowned in your 'sleep', you moaned in your sleep like you were in pain and I kept fearing that you really did something fatal this time." Sauli poured out and brought his hand up to rub over his stinging eyes and tired face, "And this was my _first_ time in this situation.. I can't imagine how it felt for your mom to be here for the 5th time... I'm not surprised she got tired."

Sauli didn't enjoy being so straight-forward but maybe it would help Adam see things from someone else's perspective.

"It's not easy. Seeing your cuts kills me inside because I want to hurt every single person who has ever given you a reason to hurt yourself, but how..." Sauli had to collect himself and swallow the lump that had risen in his throat again. His voice trembled as he continued, "I just don't know what to do. I hate seeing you hurt, I _hate_ it. And I, as well as you, are no machine. There is only so much I can take... If I have to see all this happen all over again then how can I watch it?"

He felt much lighter after he had said it out loud. But he had been so caught up in pouring it all out that he only now noticed that Adam was crying. Not just sniveling against his pillow but he was clutching the duvet to his chest and crying like he had never ever cried before.

"Adam-"

"Are you finished yet? Or is there one more knife you'd like to stab into my heart?" Adam sobbed.

Sauli died inside. Now he was being a prick about it. Yes, be selfish and leave a suffering person alone because you can't deal with it.

"It's not like I do it on purpose..."

"Oh honey..." Sauli breathed out, carefully getting on the bed behind Adam, "I know. It all came out a bit too sharply, I-"

"I don't want you to leave me." Adam whispered, tears streaking down his cheeks, "You can't leave me..."

Sauli settled behind Adam and stroked his shoulder when he saw how near the actual panic he was over a fear that could never come true.

"I won't. I don't want to." Sauli whispered, leaning close to kiss the back of Adam's neck, cuddling against his back, "No matter how much my heart breaks."

"I don't want your heart to break because of me." Adam sniffled, wanting to shrink and disappear forever.

"It's already breaking because I have to see you like this... shattered. Hurt. So painfully self-destructive." Sauli softly said, voice more like a murmur as he spoke against Adam's neck. Adam barely made sense of the words.

Sauli continued, "Care to tell me what happened? Why they wanted to keep you here?"

Adam was silent at first, staring at the wall. Then he looked down at Sauli's arm thrown protectively over his waist and it made him feel safe and secure,

"They just wanted to inject some vitamins... And make sure that the valium I took earlier today wouldn't cause any problems since I might have had alcohol in my blood stream from last night. And they wanted to clean the cut of my thigh." Adam told Sauli, bringing his leg outside the duvet and Sauli peeked over his shoulder to see, "Turns out it did need stitches."

Sauli didn't see the cut, it was covered with a few layers of gauze.

"Turn over." Sauli whispered. Adam sighed, turning on his back. He was prepared for the rant and pity speech but all Sauli did was dry his wet cheeks with his thumb, "I am happy that you're alive. And right now I could go and get your doctor here so we can get out of this hospital."

"Will you take me home?" Adam asked, taking Sauli's hand into his and cradling it against his chest.

"Yeah... If you want me to."

Adam nodded and let go of Sauli's hand, curling his arms behind Sauli's neck.

"I really hope you realize how much of my life I have opened to you. And how much there still is for you to figure out... And it's not pretty."

"I know. But more than anything I want to get to know you. You as a whole. The good and the bad." Sauli said, stroking Adam's cheek. He leaned in close to kiss Adam's dry-ish lips, but it still felt so damn good and right to kiss him.

It just clicked.

~*~

"I'll be fine from now on." Adam said once they reached his house and were standing on the porch. Sauli didn't want to go anywhere yet but he probably has to, "Thanks though."

"Yeah." Was all Sauli could say.

"So... Good night." Adam smiled, turning around and pulling his keys out from his pocket. Sauli's eyes dropped down to his ass, which looked illegally good in those pants. He couldn't stop staring.

"G-Good night." Sauli managed to stutter out.

"Unless-" Adam started, turning back around to face Sauli again.

"Unless?" Sauli asked impatiently and out of pure curiosity, tearing his eyes off the butt that was no longer visible.

Adam chuckled, his cheeks a little pink, "Unless you'd like to come in?"

Sauli bit his lip. He could practically taste the sexual tension between them.

"You bet."

Adam gave him a flirty smile and opened the door, letting Sauli in first. He stepped in right after and closed the door, only for Sauli to jump him and wrap his arms around him, kissing him like he could never kiss anyone ever again.

Adam was a little taken aback, but then he moaned quietly, pulling Sauli as close as he physically could. This time he didn't let anything stop them, _himself_ , from doing this.

Sauli basically knew everything there was to know about his body, so what could really happen?

Sauli sighed in bliss, cradling Adam's head and sttoking his hair for a minute before moving his palms to cup his face.

"I want you." Sauli murmured, shortly after pulling away, stroking Adam's cheeks with his thumbs. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the moist, reddened lips, "Want you so damn much. And I'm so sorry about that..."

"Don't be." Adam whispered. He let go of Sauli and grabbed his hand, "Don't be..." he repeated, and started pulling them towards the stairs.

Sauli felt a rush of lust go through him, and he followed Adam eagerly upstairs and straight into the master bedroom. Adam pushed Sauli on the edge of the bed and smiled down at him,

"I'll be right back." He said, and Sauli watched him walk into the bathroom. Once the door closed, he started freaking out a little. Did his breath smell? Did _he_ smell? He hadn't had a shower today. He reached into his pocket and popped a breath mint into his mouth just in case.

On the other side of the door, Adam was freaking out in the bathroom. He added some perfume, flushed his mouth and put on some lip balm. He smacked his lips together.

"Okay." He whispered, looking in the mirror, "He likes you. You are just fine. You look... Whatever."

He took a deep breath and was about to leave the bathroom, but his feet were stuck to the ground. He sighed.

He couldn't help but raise the hem of his shirt and look down at his stomach. Ugh, too much. Way too much. Too much to grab on, too much around his abs, too many scars. _Not good_.

Why can't he just let himself enjoy things like sex? His body and mind craved for the intimacy, especially with Sauli, and he still refused to let himself go.

He sighed again. He let his shirt back down and made himself move and walk out of the bathroom. Sauli was on the bed, shoes and jacket on the floor since they had just skipped putting them in the cloth rack downstairs.

Adam kicked his shoes off as well, then his jacket, and crawled onto the bed. Sauli smiled at him and pulled him close by the small of his back the second he settled on the mattress.

The angry-ish color of the cuts on Adam's arms were screaming at Sauli to look at them, but Sauli did his best to ignore them. He glanced only long enough to see there were no new ones, but otherwise he didn't want to look.

Not because they disgusted him or anything, but because he didn't want Adam to think they were the only things he saw right now.

"We keep coming back to this but it never really... goes quite further." Adam said, "What if this time it would actually work out?"

Sauli chuckled, stroking the locks of hair on Adam's forehead back, only for them to fall right back.

"Stubborn." Sauli frowned, trying to tuck the strands behind Adam's ear but they were too soft to stay there, and they started slipping back, "But yeah. As long as you're fine with it."

Adam wanted to roll his eyes. Not only did he get treated like this was his first time, but Sauli was also the one who had a hickey on his neck, made by _his fiancé_. And he was anxious to have sex with him.

"Let's just stop talking." Sauli decided, noticing the tense set of Adam's jaw and shoulders, "Tell me if your thigh hurts. I'll try to be careful."

Adam smiled, nodding, and leaned in for a kiss which Sauli accepted happily. He rolled on his back, pulling Adam on top of him. Adam angled their bodies just right, bringing their lower bodies in close contact.

Adam's stubble scratched his chin and upper lip. The rough-ish contact was just on the edge of comfortable but in a way Sauli had always enjoyed his men a little.. scratchy.

Sauli sighed into the kiss, hands roaming all over Adam's back, grasping the fabric of his shirt and digging his blunt nails into his back. His fingers twitched with the need to feel bare skin, no matter was it Adam's back or sides, stomach or chest. As long as he could just feel the heat of his skin beneath his hands.

Adam's lips were dominant, demanding almost, as they slid over and across Sauli's. The tip of his tongue pushed between Sauli's lips, sending a rush of pleasure down his spine. He let out a needy moan, surprised by how turned on he got just from Adam's wild kisses.

He was left breathless when Adam slid his mouth from his lips to his neck where he saw the hickey. Adam felt oddly jealous, and he wanted to suck another one right next to it, a much darker and bigger one.

But he wasn't that guy. And he still didn't want to cause any trouble in Sauli's life.

Instead, Adam just kissed the skin while Sauli reached to squeeze his ass. It was so nice to be touched like that, and Adam didn't even stress about going further. He _wanted_ to go further and all the way to the end.

"Lights off?" Sauli whispered, voice raspy with arousal, fondling Adam's butt like it was his first time touching one.

"Lights are off." Adam pointed out with a smile and raised his head from the crook of Sauli's neck, "But the curtains aren't down."

Sauli chuckled, his cheeks flushing a little.

"Doesn't that kind of make you feel like someone could be looking?"

"Now that you mention it, it does." Adam frowned. He got off the bed to pull the curtains down, and Sauli missed the warmth of his body right away.

It wasn't that dark, Adam didn't pull the blind down, just the curtains to make them feel like they have some more privacy. You never know about those paparazzi people or creepy stalkers.

They shared a smile when Adam crawled back on the bed and sat on Sauli's hips. But Adam's smile faded slowly when he grabbed the hem of his shirt.

Sauli stopped him by grabbing his hands,

"One thing at a time." he smiled, "I can see that you're nervous."

"Then what's before that?" Adam asked. Sauli sat up and spun Adam around on his back, making him grin.

"Maybe some loving attention." Sauli told him and kissed Adam's neck. Once. Twice. Then slowly raised his head back up, eyes wide as he realized what he just said, "By loving I just mean that uhm-"

"I know..." Adam whispered, "I know."

Sauli latched his mouth back on Adam's neck and just touched his chest through the shirt, going lower to his stomach and resting his hand there.

Adam didn't mind, he just closed his eyes and bent his head. Sauli's lips slid across his neck, pressing kisses and flicking his tongue around to search for the sensitive spots.

Sauli rubbed Adam's tummy and kissed his way back to his lips again. Adam kissed back eagerly and didn't even flinch when he felt Sauli's hand underneath his shirt. He sighed, arching his back a little when Sauli started to rub his nipple.

Adam's hand twitched towards his crotch. The pressure was growing and he started to feel a little uncomfortable in the pants he was wearing. Sauli noticed it, but he didn't want to give in just yet.

He kind of enjoyed the anticipation. Waiting and driving the other, and himself, crazy with want. And that was what he wanted Adam to feel. Want and be wanted as his very self like never before.

Adam bucked his hips, what he thought was meaningfully, but Sauli didn't seem to notice his desperation for a touch and just pinched his nipple again.

The kiss became more aggressive, Adam bringing his tongue into the game and Sauli's joining eagerly. Their tongues touched, making both of them moan blissfully into the kiss.

It lasted only for a few seconds then Sauli pulled away with a smug smile, playfully licking Adam's lips.

"You're bad. You are _bad_." Adam hissed.

"I know." Sauli said smugly. Adam rolled his eyes and captured Sauli's lips again.

Sauli reached down to finally cup Adam's cock. _What_ was he packing down there for God's sake? Sauli had to squeeze, just a little, to get a proper feel of it, and it made Adam's breath hitch.

Sauli loosened his hold and just rubbed him. Adam whispered a quiet 'yeah' in the kiss and slowly moved his hips, bucking up against Sauli's hand.

It felt good, so good, but it wasn't enough. It had been long since Adam had gotten laid so he was kind of impatient. And since he trusted Sauli with 90% of his heart, he wanted to get things going faster with less clothes and more skin.

Sauli suddenly sat up, breaking the kiss and looking down at Adam. He was so hot sprawled out like that, eyes heavy-lidded and filled with lust and a flush coloring his face and neck.

"What?" Adam asked, out of breath, licking his swollen lips.

"Nothing." Sauli whispered, pulling Adam up by his hands, "It's just that... You're so _hot_."

Adam gave him a look and smiled. A little suspicious about it, not really buying it, but he had no reason to argue with it either.

Sauli gave him a short kiss. Then another one, before raising his own arms to take off his shirt.

"Oh." Adam sighed, staring at Sauli's toned abdomen. Tanned skin, visible _hard_ abs and narrow waist, "Seeing your body gives my self-esteem a little punch."

"Hey," Sauli chuckled lovingly, cupping Adam's cheeks, "This is not a competition. You are gorgeous."

"You haven't seen me naked." Adam pointed out, "I'm a little... Scarred. And a bit... soft."

"Oh, honey." Sauli sighed, stroking Adam's cheek with his thumb, "I have never seen someone as gorgeous as you are. The second I saw you in that bar, I... I was _down_."

Adam smiled, glancing down almost shyly, "Still can't understand why."

"Then let me show you..." Sauli pleaded, tugging on the hem of Adam's shirt, "Let me show you how much I lo- Like you."

"Okay." Adam said. He raised his arms and let Sauli remove his shirt and toss it on the chair nearby. He felt so bare and vulnerable without anything covering his upper body, so he automatically crossed his arms over his chest.

But Sauli knew, and he knew exactly what to do to make him feel more at ease. He didn't just nudge his arms out of the way or stare at him, he kept going like he'd probably do with anyone.

Sauli lay him down on the bed, pressing a soft kiss on his lips,

"You're beautiful. And as much as it's a cliché thing to say, it's true." Sauli whispered, leaning down to kiss Adam's neck, "And I am crazy about you." he murmured, lowering himself until he reached Adam's nipple.

He kissed the pink nub, circling it with his tongue then gently biting it. Adam gasped, back arching a little in the rush of pleasure. He had almost forgotten how _sensitive_ his nipples were.

Sauli kissed the middle of Adam's chest and kept going lower, placing wet kisses on his stomach, making sure to touch each and every scar Adam had on his abdomen, but not pay any special attention to them just yet.

He wanted to do it someday. But now he just wanted to focus on making Adam feel good around him while naked.

When Sauli finally reached the waistband of Adam's pants, he licked his lips.

Neither of them could believe this was actually finally happening.

Sauli looked up at Adam's face to see him looking down at him. He wasn't completely relaxed, Sauli could see it on his face, but he wasn't exactly tense either, maybe a little rigid from anticipation.

Sauli kissed Adam's belly button once more and crawled back up, capturing Adam's lips. Adam wrapped his arms around Sauli and flipped them over, straddling Sauli's hips.

"I thought I was going to get a blowjob." Adam murmured against Sauli's lips, "You little cheater."

Sauli smiled, stroking Adam's sides.

"We have the whole night to do whatever we want," He whispered, "And it just might include a blowjob."

Adam bit his lip, tracing a finger over Sauli's lips. Those pretty, sinful lips were made for being wrapped around his cock, Adam was sure of it. He got shivers just from thinking about it.

Sauli didn't want to admit how good such simple gesture made him feel. His lips were tingling beneath Adam's fingertips, and he couldn't help but close his eyes and sigh quietly.

Adam half smiled and half smirked. He leaned closer and breathed hotly against Sauli's wet lips, and Sauli licked his lips, chasing after the breeze like it was oxygen for him. He tried to press their mouths together, but Adam leaned back.

Sauli opened his eyes to see Adam smirking down at him.

"You are awfully smug." He said.

Sauli thought it was the position change. Adam might feel better lying on top of him, feeling like he was in control of himself and not sprawled on the bed, surrendering to someone else.

Sauli was sure that Adam's trust will eventually grow. And once he earned that, it would be beautiful.

"I think I could use that blowjob right now..." Adam whispered, "If you want to, that is."

"Fuck, yes." Sauli said without hesitation and flipped them over again. He wanted to kiss and lick Adam's stomach, nip the sensitive skin and make him squirm, but he fought the urge and just moved down to face his crotch.

Adam imagined he could feel Sauli's hot breath through the fabric. He was so hard it almost hurt, and that hadn't happened in ages. His sexual drive had been more than just dead, even though he had pretended otherwise.

Sauli kissed him through the fly of his jeans, feeling the heat of Adam radiate against his lips. He rubbed Adam's inner thighs, careful not to hurt him where he had fresh cuts.

He pressed more open-mouthed kisses on Adam's groin until Adam was bucking up towards his mouth, desperate. Sauli had mercy on him and slowly pulled down the zipper, pushing the edges apart, and pulled out his cock.

He was finally, fucking _finally_ touching Adam's dick. He was very well-endowed like he had thought.

Sauli wrapped his hands around the shaft and stroked from the base to the very tip. Adam's cock pulsed in his hand when Sauli went over the ridge of the head.

"Come on..." Adam hissed, reaching down to gently yank on Sauli's curls, "Stop teasing and start sucking."

Sauli raised his head enough to look into Adam's lust-filled, dark eyes,

"Giving orders now, huh?" He said, "I'm so attracted to you, did you know that?"

Adam huffed out a chuckle. His cock was hard and aching in Sauli's hand, and he decided to pick that moment to remind him how attracted he was to Adam.

Sauli flashed him a flirty smile, head sinking back down and Adam's cock was finally surrounded by wet heat. Adam sighed in bliss, closing his eyes and letting his head drop on the pillows.

He could surrender to this.

Sauli moved his head, simple up and down movement, but it was perfect. His lips were perfectly tight around him, building up saliva to make the slide more wet and pleasant for them both.

Sauli couldn't fit all of Adam into his mouth even if he tried, so he jacked the base with his hand. Adam fixed his grip by placing his own hand on top of his, tightening the hold. Sauli didn't mind, he was happy that Adam wanted him to learn _how_ it worked personally for him.

Sauli tried to tuck his free hand into Adam's pants to fondle his balls, but it didn't work out quite the way he wanted. He twisted his hand that was around Adam, and gave a hard suck at the head.

Adam let out a breathy moan, bending his head back on the pillows. The sound must have been one of the most beautiful ones Sauli had even heard.

He wanted more of those.

He wrapped both of his hands around Adam's shaft and focused on sucking on the head of his cock. Adam's back arched slightly off the bed, followed by a louder moan.

Sauli flicked his tongue around the tip, tasting the first drops of salty pre-cum in his mouth.

Adam pushed on the waistband of his pants. He wanted them out of the way, wanted to get naked and let Sauli make him feel pleasure he hadn't felt in years. He needed it. He craved it.

Sauli pulled away with a wet pop, Adam's taste lingering in his mouth. He helped Adam with his pants and pulled them off his ankles.

His mouth was back on Adam and sucking eagerly, tearing those gorgeous sounds out of his throat. He stroked the shaft and caressed his balls, testing whether it was for Adam or not.

He earned a shudder and Adam spread his legs wider apart, his chest heaving. He slowly moved his hips, fucking through Sauli's fist and into his mouth, pressing his balls against his other hand.

Sauli wanted to drop his hand down and relieve his own hardness a little, but with Adam being so busy with needing them both, he decided against it.

Almost subconsciously, Adam ran his own hand down his body. He touched his chest, just feeling himself and how alive his skin felt. He pinched his left nipple at the same time as Sauli rubbed the ridge of his cock with his tongue. The rush of pleasure felt over-whelming for a second.

Sauli enjoyed it just as much, if not more. The warmth and weight of Adam's dick in his mouth felt captivating and he wanted to go on and on until Adam would fall apart and come inside his mouth.

Sauli let Adam's cock slip out of his mouth and let go of it. It fell flat against his stomach, large, flushed and wet, and Sauli just had to kiss it once more. Fuck. He gave it one last lick from base to tip.

"You're so good at that... So good." Adam murmured, voice low with pleasure, "Now come up here and kiss me."

Sauli licked his lips and crawled up, pushing their mouths together. Adam savored his mouth, tasting himself on that tongue and on those pretty lips, and it drove him _wild_ with want. He needed to have Sauli right now. He wanted to bury his cock inside of him.

It wasn't just lust that he felt. It was the power of giving something good, making Sauli writhe on his dick.

Adam dropped his hands down to unzip Sauli's pants, and Sauli helped him push them down and off along with his briefs. Fuck yeah, he was finally naked with Sauli.

He felt so empowered by that. He was still uncertain, still insecure, but he felt better than he had in years. He felt like Sauli really liked him the way he was. He _surely_ did, his cock was achingly hard.

Adam flipped Sauli so he was underneath him and brought their faces close together. So close he could almost taste Sauli's breath.

"Can I fuck you?"

"Wasn't that kind of the plan?" Sauli asked, dick twitching at Adam's words.

"Maybe. But it's hard to read you... You could've been a strict top. It would've been sad, though." Adam said.

"I'm all versatile for you. I like the change. I roll both ways." Sauli informed with a cheeky smile. Adam kissed that smile off and swayed his hips a bit, rubbing his wet cock against Sauli's abs. It sent a wave of lust through Sauli's body.

When Adam pulled away and reached for the nightstand, Sauli kept touching his sides and thighs, any skin he could get his hands on to feel the delicious warmth.

"Fuck. I don't have any condoms in my drawer... Haven't felt like I'd need them anyway." Adam cursed, tossing the lube on the bed, "I'll grab some from the guest room."

"You have condoms in the guest room?" Sauli asked, giggling.

"Got to take care of my guests' needs!" Adam squeaked and got up from the bed, "I'll be right back."

Sauli smiled, watching him go. He grabbed the lube from the bed and decided to quicken their process a little.

In one of the guest rooms, Adam found a few condoms and grinned. He passed by a mirror or two but didn't want to look, though the temptation was strong. He knew that if he started doubting himself now, it would be the end of it. He just had to trust that Sauli saw him as a desirable, hot person.

He returned to his bedroom and stopped in tracks when he saw the scene, almost dropping the condom in his hand. He had to squeeze his cock.

"I'm not sure should I be mad at you for starting out without me _or_ be very turned on right now..." Adam murmured, staring at Sauli who was sprawled on the bed, stretching himself.

"Both?" Sauli suggested, "At least you could get on the fucking bed and come here."

Adam chuckled, tossing the condom on the pillow, and crawling between Sauli's legs. He grabbed the lube from the mattress and swapped Sauli's hand out of the way.

"I'll take this from now on."

~*~

Adam opened Sauli up impatiently but still slowly, wanting him to be completely ready for his cock. Three fingers knuckle-deep and Sauli was already a wreck, begging Adam to just fucking stop the 'teasing' and fuck him already.

Adam pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheets. He rolled on the condom, fingers shaking like the first time, but he managed to put it on without dropping it or tearing it. He lubed his cock, slicking himself up, and angled the head of his dick to Sauli's entrance then propped his arms on the sides of Sauli's head to keep his balance.

He bit his lip, pushing in just a little bit, just enough to feel the heat of Sauli's body around the tip. It felt _incredible_ , over-whelming almost. It had been way too fucking long since Adam had this.

"Fuck, yeah..." He hissed, letting himself enjoy the sensations.

And what made it even better was that it wasn't just a casual fuck. It was _Sauli_. Adam was so confused over the feelings he had for the blonde beneath him, but he knew for sure, felt it in his heart, that he couldn't do this with anyone else. Not currently, not when he had felt so bad lately.

But Sauli made him _feel_. Adam had had times when he was almost apathetic, mostly against his own will. Lost inside a world where nothing meant anything.

Adam opened his eyes and looked at Sauli's face right before his, noses almost bumping together. His heart skipped a beat, and it was enough to remind Adam that he was indeed feeling something quite strong.

But he wasn't sure if this was what he had in mind.

"Adam..." Sauli whispered, digging his fingers into the skin of Adam's back and looking into Adam's eyes, pleading, "Now, _please_..."

Adam pushed his cock inside, slowly, gasping at the tightness hugging his shaft from the base to the tip. Sauli bit back a groan, feeling himself stretch even wider around Adam's length.

Fuck, Adam's cock was inside of him. Adam was inside of him. He had fantasized about this ever since he saw Adam, as bad as it sounded considering he was engaged. But this moment right here meant everything to him.

"Move... I need you to move." He whispered, spreading his legs wider apart like a good boy. Adam could barely nod, hazed by the arousal, and slowly started rocking his hips. Sauli felt his big cock rub the insides of his hole, felt him move in and out of him and it felt so fucking _good_.

The stretch stung at first, regardless of the amount of the lube they used, but the pleasure he felt pushed the discomfort to the back of his mind and he forgot about it in a few seconds.

Adam was panting against his face, small blissful sounds escaping his lips as he thrust in and out of Sauli, and those sounds turned Sauli on more than anything else. He ran his hands up Adam's back and to his hair, tangling them in the silky locks, and pulling Adam's head an inch or two lower so their lips could meet.

Adam captured his lips eagerly, moaning as their mouths moved together. His tongue was licking into Sauli's mouth, so fucking _needy_ and desperate it made Sauli's toes curl and his body crave for Adam more and more.

His teeth tried to catch and nip Adam's playful tongue but after a few failed tries, he swirled his own tongue around Adam's. They both sighed into the kiss, curling their bodies into the sweet rhythm.

Sauli hooked his leg around Adam, pulling him in and closer. He wiggled himself a little, trying to find a perfect angle which would get Adam's cock to hit his- Fuck yeah, there it was.

He moaned, grasping on Adam's hair.

"Yeah?" Adam panted, thrusting harder towards that spot. Sauli's world was spinning with pleasure, mouth so slack he couldn't even kiss Adam anymore, he only gave lazy licks and nibbles. His attempt to form words turned into moans.

He dropped his hands down to Adam's shoulders, and slid them lower to the small of his back, and down to his ass. He squeezed the firmness beneath his palms, and pulled Adam even closer, needing him to go _deeper_.

Adam whimpered when Sauli didn't let him pull out instantly, his muscles were clenching around him and stimulating his pulsing cock in a way that made Adam see the edge almost way too soon.

But he had had sex the last time when he was like 23, so it was probably understandable. Besides, Sauli did that _thing_ , squeezed his muscles tightly around him and it drove Adam crazy with want. It felt almost too good to be true.

"Fuck..." He cursed, cock buried balls-deep inside of the man his heart finally decided to trust in this much.

Sauli let go of Adam's ass, delicately touching his back and sides before firmly grasping on Adam's hips. He locked his feet around Adam and urged him on, like he needed those thrusts to breathe.

He always thought about what it would be like to have sex with Adam. Fuck or get fucked, he didn't really care, as long as it was with Adam.

But this... this _reality_ was better than any of those late night thoughts.

Sauli tossed his head back on the pillows and enjoyed the feeling of being satisfyingly fucked by the person he was surprisingly in love with. Sauli's lips twitched into a small smile as he thought about it. It was the first time he genuinely admitted it to himself. And in Adam's presence. While getting fucked.

Going in and out, in again and out again. So simple but so perfect. Their bodies fit perfectly, worked perfectly together.

Adam's thrusts grew erratic and wild, his hips slamming against Sauli's, cock nudging his prostate on every thrust. Sauli whimpered, pleasure over-whelming, and wrapped his arms around Adam's waist, clinging onto him as close and tight as he possibly could.

Adam licked Sauli's earlobe, hot puffs of breath, gasps and moans pouring from his lips and it sent shivers down Sauli's spine. He could hear the edge in Adam's voice, he could tell he was close. And this was only his first time learning those sounds.

Adam managed to get a hand between their bodies without losing his balance, and wrapped his fingers around Sauli's leaking cock. Sauli bit back a groan when he swiped over the wet tip with a thumb before starting to jack him off firm and fast.

Adam was so wrecked from his own pleasure that he couldn't keep the pace of his hand up. Sauli placed his own hand on top of Adam's and set a perfect pace and tightness, jacking himself off with his hand wrapped around Adam's on his cock.

"Fuck, you feel so _good_..." Adam whimpered into the kiss, " _Fuck_... I'm gonna-"

Before he could finish his sentence, he was already coming. He melted in Sauli's embrace, moaning as the orgasm caressed every nerve ending in his body.

It felt like some kind of euphoria. Orgasms for sure were always amazing but this was long needed and in the presence of a perfect human being.

Sauli had never seen anything that could even compare to the beauty of seeing and hearing Adam fall apart like that.

Their hands were awkwardly angled between their bodies and while it almost hurt, neither of them cared. But Sauli was right there, on the edge, and he needed to come right _now_ , even though he could easily just watch Adam slowly come down from the high of his orgasm.

"Baby... I need..." He panted, jerking his hips meaningfully. It caused Adam's cock move inside of him and it tore a gorgeous groan out of Adam's throat.

The tight stimulation was too much, even though Adam wanted nothing but to stay inside of Sauli. Adam grabbed the base of his cock and pulled out of Sauli's body, tossed the used condom to the trash can, then sat up between Sauli's knees so he could get a proper grip and jerk Sauli off.

Sauli's back arched off the bed and fuck, Adam could make him squirm just with his hand. Adam had a happy, wicked smile on his face, clearly trusting his own hand skills though he hadn't used them on anyone in a long time.

Sauli slipped into Finnish non-sense, clutching the sheets into his fists then shooting powerlessly and high on his stomach. Adam licked his lips and kept stroking until Sauli's hips flinched away from the touch and Sauli pushed on his hand, protesting.

Fuck.

Sauli opened his eyes. For a second he was afraid that it was all in his head, an image so vivid, but then he felt the bed dip, and he let his eyes drift from the ceiling and he saw Adam smiling at him between his knees. Flushed, a little sweaty and so damn gorgeous. 

Adam reached for the nightstand and opened the drawer, pulling out a tissue, and wiped Sauli's stomach with it. He disposed the tissue once done, and Sauli opened his arms for him.

"Come here."

Adam smiled a little shyly, and lay down on top of Sauli. Sauli cradled his head against his chest, petting his sweaty hair.

"How do you feel?" Sauli asked, gently.

"I'm okay." Adam whispered, listening to Sauli's still so rapid heartbeat, finding it oddly comforting.

"Just okay?" Sauli chuckled, and Adam raised his head to look at Sauli with a giddy smile.

"Okay, a little more than that. I know this feeling won't last longer than an hour at its best but... I feel quite good. I don't even know if I even dare to say it but I feel... happy, even." Adam frowned, surprised by the lack of anxiety and depressive feelings in his head at the moment, "Maybe it's all the good hormones. I should probably wank off more often."

Sauli giggled, pulling Adam's head so close he could kiss those beautiful lips. Gosh, he was so damn happy right now. Adam was where he wanted him, not necessarily naked with him, but just there. Smiling. Enjoying himself. Looking happy.

"I need to take a shower." Adam said after he pulled away, and got out of the bed, "Gotta wash that hospital off of me."

"Okay," Sauli whispered, "Take your time. You mind if I get myself some water?"

"Not at all. Take what you need." Adam smiled, a little forced, the familiar twitches of anxiety tugged at him again when he couldn't find anything that he could cover up with. Not a towel, not a bathrobe, not anything. His clothes were too far away.

He could just disappear in the bathroom already but he couldn't think clearly.

Sauli frowned, concerned, but easily guessed from the way Adam was fidgeting what was bugging him so bad. He got up from the bed and scooted to the bathroom where he imagined Adam kept his bathrobe.

"Fuck." Adam whimpered, his chest tightening uncomfortably. He crouched down on the floor and hugged himself, breathing deep to will the nausea away. He jerked when he felt Sauli place something warm around his shoulders.

"Shh, hey... Relax." Sauli murmured, "Here, take this. It's alright, just relax."

Adam moved his arms enough to get the bathrobe on. He clutched the fabric into his hands but felt how his body relaxed. It was just a stupid piece of clothing. And it was his stupid mind that always ruined _everything_.

"Oh honey... I realized you were self-conscious but... this bad?" Sauli whispered, rubbing Adam's shoulders.

"No, it's not all that..." Adam said, standing up, "Just... just don't go anywhere while I shower..."

"Of course not. I'll be right here, you can count on that."

~*~

When Adam came out of the shower, Sauli was nowhere to be seen. He clutched his bathrobe and sat down on the bed, sheets still rustled and damp from sweat and lube. Ugh.

Adam sighed, falling on his back. He expected this. He expected Sauli to disappear after he had gotten what he wanted. Or maybe it was so bad Sauli couldn't bear to see him right now... Adam's skills might have gotten rusty.

Or maybe Sauli now had a juicy story to tell to the media.

Adam felt his heart skip a few beats in panic and he sat up. He needed to relax before the anxiety took a toll on him completely. And it would only lead to him hurting himself once again.

He removed the plastic wrapping from around the gauze of his thigh that he had put on to protect it from water.

He needed some fresh air so he went to the lounge balcony. The breeze of the night wind felt perfectly cool on his hot shower-damp skin.

He walked to the rail and took a deep breath. Inhaling deeply, holding it in for two seconds, then exhaling. It relaxed his body which threatened to go into over-drive any minute now.

Adam turned towards the chairs only to almost have a heart attack because someone was already sitting there.

And that someone was obviously Sauli. He was wearing his underwear and a sweater that was clearly Adam's, and he was smoking. Adam had seen him carry a pack of cigarettes but he never really saw him smoke.

"Do you want to give me a heart attack?" Adam panted, holding a hand over his rapidly beating heart.

Sauli's mouth twitched into a small smile and he shrugged, exhaling the fumes,

"Sorry." He said, "Does this bother you?" He asked then, holding up his cigarette. Adam just shook his head. It wasn't his business if someone smoked as long as he didn't have to breathe in the toxics 24/7.

"I thought you went home." Adam said, tying his robe a little tighter before it fell completely open.

Sauli seemed offended by his doubts. He stomped his cigarette butt to a cup on the table, sighing. He unfolded his arms and reached his hands out for Adam to grab,

"Silly. Come here."

Adam stepped before him and let Sauli take his hands into his.

"I loved every single second and I didn't even consider leaving when you went to shower. But I needed some fresh air. I needed to beat myself because now I'm officially a cheater and the worst possible boyfriend." Sauli said and Adam gave him a hurt look and Sauli didn't really know why. Why would _he_ be hurting now? Sauli had every reason in the world to feel choked right now.

He was a cheater and a damn coward.

Not everything is about Adam. But Sauli didn't have the heart to say it out loud. He knew how Adam would take it. Or maybe it all really _was_ about Adam. Without him Sauli would probably try to work things out with Jacob.

"You regret it." Adam said, pulling his hands out of Sauli's and turning his back to him because he couldn't face him after being so damn _stupid_ , "Got it."

"I never said that." Sauli sighed, standing up and wrapping his arms around Adam, pressing up against his back. To his surprise, Adam didn't even protest or try to jerk away.

"I have never met a person who would have cheated and didn't regret it at some point." Adam pointed out, "It's alright... You have the right to feel that way."

Adam felt warm in his arms. His fresh out-of-shower scent comforted Sauli better than any words ever could. And it reminded him of how much he wanted to be around Adam and not anyone else. He wanted to call Adam his. Wanted to drown him in kisses while whispering sweet nothings to him.

He couldn't explain himself to Adam. He would only take it the wrong way and get upset over something that was not even true. Sauli didn't want that. But the truth was yes, he regretted _being a cheater_ because he hated those people, but he didn't regret _Adam_. Not in a million years.

He had never gotten such a rush out of having sex. It was passionate and wild yet gentle and so genuinely affectionate. Sauli noticed himself enjoying Adam's pleasure even more than his own.

It didn't just turn him on to hear Adam moan. It pushed his own pleasure to the back of his head so he could tear more of those gorgeous sounds out of Adam's throat. He was just so beautiful like that and Sauli craved more of it.

"You are best thing that has ever happened to me. Believe it or not," Sauli said, "And what I just experienced with you... I can't tell you how happy I am. But I don't want you to think that now I've gotten what I wanted or some shit... Nothing is ever enough when it comes to you."

Adam turned around to look at Sauli whose eyes immediately locked with his. He had never been looked at like that. He got those dreamy looks from his fans, like he meant a world to them, but they never managed to see through his eyes like that. It was almost like Sauli was looking right into the deepest and darkest parts of his soul and _still_ accepted him and adored him.

"What'd you mean?"

_You fool_. Sauli thought he couldn't be more obvious about his feelings for Adam. But Adam just didn't _see_. Why didn't he see?

"Just... Forget it." Sauli said and spun around to sit back down on the couch.

Adam knew that he should let it go but there was something Sauli was hiding from him. Adam didn't want to be pushy and outright ask what it was.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asked, offering something he never got when he was feeling like shit.

Sauli shook his head.

"What I want right now is to cuddle you in your bed until we fall asleep." He said and once again got up. He walked over to Adam and looked at his bare chest, covered with a layer of fine hair. He wanted to touch it again so bad.

Adam smiled, "I was thinking along those lines too." He said and grabbed Sauli's hand, "C'mon."

Sauli smiled, following Adam back inside. He was over-thinking. His mind was trying to screw him up. He knew and felt that this was where his heart was; With Adam. For the first time since he had moved to LA, he felt genuinely happy about moving in. Adam came with a heavy baggage, but nothing Sauli couldn't deal with.

Once inside, Sauli pulled the sweater he was wearing over his head. He eyed Adam while thinking if he should take his underwear off too.

Adam was back towards him, robe untied but he was keeping the edges together, thinking.

"It's nothing I haven't already seen." Sauli whispered, walking up behind Adam and stroking his arms through the fluffy fabric of the bathrobe.

"I know. But it's different during sex than it is when you can actually _look_ while not being horny like a rabbit." Adam said with a small frown.

Sauli huffed a smile. He put his hands on Adam's shoulders and took a hold of the fabric, ready to push the robe off. He was aware that Adam might not let him but he wanted to give it a shot. Adam bit his lip and let his arms fall to his sides, and Sauli immediately let the robe slide down his arms and on the floor.

He sighed when Sauli traced fingers down his spine.

"Gorgeous, baby." Sauli whispered, running his hand over the curve of Adam's ass. Adam smiled when Sauli kissed the nape of his neck, and slowly turned around, swallowing his nervousness, and let Sauli take in the sight of him. Flaws and imperfections. Scars and body fat. Freckles. Everything he hated about himself.

Sauli pushed his own briefs down to his ankles and kicked them off. He also had his flaws. He was short. He had short legs. His body could be even better. He hated being labeled as petite or twink.

Sauli rose on his toes and pecked Adam on the lips. Adam actually felt more comfortable than ever before. He felt accepted and liked even while he stood there naked with his nasty body showing. Sauli liked him. And he finally saw that.

Sauli spun around and settled on the bed. Adam followed him right after and dove under the covers, and Sauli cuddled up to him the second he was settled.

"Now... What happened earlier?" Sauli asked, resting his hand on Adam's chest where he imagined it was okay, "Why did you get so anxious over being naked? You were naked the whole time when we-"

"I know." Adam interrupted, "Like I said, it's just different when you're not so lusty. I... I uhm... Someone... my last one night stand... after our sex, he just sort of looked at me and went 'Oh you're right they do look nasty. Maybe you should get some help'. And I knew, I _knew_ he was right and I think he meant no harm with it, but I just felt so humiliated... I don't even know why it hit me so bad, but after that I haven't been able to let anyone look at me like that... "

It felt like the end back then. Adam was a performer though, it wasn't that hard to just play it cool. Maybe the guy never even realized he did him wrong.

Sauli felt so mad. Sure you can accidentally be a little inconsiderate, but when you see things as severe self-harm, you should be extra careful. No need to add fuel to the fire.

"You know I would've never said something like that." Sauli whispered, "I already saw your arms ages ago. And I knew you also cut your stomach and thighs. I'm not happy that you've chosen this way, but those scars don't play any special role in anything. I like you a lot, you know?"

Adam's jaw clenched at the 'chosen this way'. He didn't _choose_ self-harm, self-harm chose him. And it never softened its grip on him, not ever.

Sauli propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Adam who looked way too sad for his liking right now.

"Look at me, baby." He whispered, brushing Adam's cheek with his fingers, "Do you honestly think I would've gone to all this trouble... sleepless nights and worrying about you to the point of insanity, if I only wanted to harm you in some way?"

He didn't like the look Adam gave him. It just wasn't easy for Sauli either. Feeling like you weren't trusted was bad enough, but when that one person who mattered to you the most was almost _scared of you_ , it was the worst possible feeling.

Sauli sighed.

"Okay. Let me tell you something," He said, sitting up, "I want you to know a few things. First of all, I am engaged. But you know what?"

Adam looked at Sauli with big round eyes, not sure if he wanted to hear all what Sauli wanted to tell him.

"This thing," Sauli sighed, pointing to the ring on his finger, "Makes me miserable. I'm not ready to get married! Me? Married? At 25? Oh, hell no. I was young, foolish and supposedly in love when I said yes. I regret it."

Adam grew more interested and he rolled on his side, looking up at Sauli,

"And?"

"Secondly, Jacob is... He just always manages to get me wrapped around his finger. He's probably cheated on me before, he treats me like trash but when I'm about to leave, he changes completely. I don't know how I always fall for his lies. This is just another proof of that." Sauli said, and tapped a finger over the hickey on his neck, "We could fix it if we saw some effort. But neither of us do. Maybe we know it's not worth it."

"I'm sorry." Adam said, reaching out to hold Sauli's hand, "I didn't know things were so bad. You only said you just didn't love him. You never told me he manipulated you like that."

Sauli bit his lip, thinking whether he should continue or not.

"At least he's not narcissistic. Thirdly... And please don't freak out now." Sauli smiled nervously.

"Yeah?" Adam frowned, "Why would I freak out?"

"I..."

_I'm in love with you_.

"I have... No. I mean that you have in a way encouraged me to drift away from him and find a way to genuine happiness."

Great job, Sauli, you have once again avoided telling Adam something very important. Coward, indeed.

Adam sighed, sitting up but holding the duvet up with his arm, covering himself from waist down.

"I'm happy if I've encouraged you to walk away from a bad relationship, but... I just don't want to cause any troubles. People are saying enough shit about me. I don't need the home wrecker label on top of all that."

Sauli rolled his eyes, automatically almost, not really thinking about it. But he just hated the way Adam made _everything_ about him, every time. Adam probably didn't see that since he was just looking down at his lap.

"So you're more worried about your status in public than actually causing _me_ troubles?" Sauli asked, a little sharply.

"No." Adam defended right away, and tugged on the duvet over him, obviously nervous again, "I just... I don't want you to ruin your life. And that is exactly what's going to happen sooner or later if you get too much involved with me."

Sauli placed two fingers beneath Adam's chin and tilted his head up, making him look at him.

"I'm already so involved, you don't even know. Adam, can't you see? You're the person I want to be around with. I haven't run away even thought I know a lot about you and I never will."

"That's because you don't know everything." Adam muttered and tried to jerk his head away, but Sauli grabbed him by the jaw.

"Then fill me in!"

"No!" Adam almost shouted, and swapped Sauli's hand off his face, "I'm just... I'm not worthy of you... I'm not gonna make you happy. And even more I... I don't deserve someone like you." he said then, in a quieter voice.

"Tell me something that you are worthy of," Sauli whispered, grief heavy in his heart because Adam just didn't see just how precious he was, "Other than pain."

Adam shrugged, "A Grammy?" He asked, tugging his fingers nervously, "Although that one probably belonged to Bruno Mars too rather than me." he mumbled.

Sauli was quiet for a moment. He had never experienced such pain for someone else. When someone you love thought they were worth nothing but pain, it literally hurt.

"My life is nothing without you in here. All my friends are in Finland and so is my family. Here I have no one else but you... So if I can't have you... if you push me away, I will go back. If you don't want me in your life, I won't keep pushing it, I promise. I will leave you alone." Sauli explained calmly and reached out to grab Adam's hand and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, "But just do one thing for me... Once, just this once, stop thinking about others, stop thinking about me. And start thinking about yourself. What is it that _you_ want?"

Adam slumped back on the bed and sighed. He let Sauli hold his hand because it felt nice and comforting, but the talk didn't. It felt like he was being choked or forced to do the one thing that he hated the most.

"There isn't much I can give to you," Sauli admitted, "But please believe me when I say that you are the last person on this entire planet that I could ever hurt. But you need to let me prove it..."

Adam's eyes stung again. It was always over-whelming when Sauli talked like that. Talked like he mattered, like he was important and cared for. Of course Adam got that kind of affection from his fans and his family but it was different with them. Sauli already knew more than them.

"Look at me, baby." Sauli whispered, and Adam slowly raised his head. Adam's teary red eyes shot a bullet straight though Sauli's heart. Suddenly he felt like crying himself.

"Let me help you carry that burden of yours. You don't need to do it alone and you will collapse sooner or later from the weight of it." Sauli whispered and swallowed the lump in his throat, "It kills me to see you struggle with all that's inside of you, eating you... _destroying_ you. So please... Let me help. You can let me in."

"The more you keep repeating that, the more tempted I am to not let you in... In any meaning of the word." Adam whispered, a little smile on his lips but his eyes were still glistening with tears. Sauli sobbed out a chuckle, a mix of sadness and relief that Adam probably understood him.

Adam moved and clung to Sauli, feeling an urgent need to be as small as he could. Sauli lay down slowly and wrapped his arm around Adam.

"Well, if you decide to let me _in_ , whether it was in here," He said, lying a hand on top of Adam's head, "Or somewhere else..." he continued, running the same hand down Adam's back and reached as low as he could, "I'll be gentle. I'll be good to you."

Adam giggled, wiping his eyes.

"Just so you know... I'm offering you the same. I know this isn't easy for you. You don't have to pretend that it is or that you're not struggling with it."

"Thank you," Sauli said, "And you're right, it isn't easy. But I'll do anything for you because I- I've grown to care about you very deeply."

Adam nodded, a dim smile on his face. Maybe Sauli didn't feel as strongly as he did for him. He didn't love him. And by now Adam knew that love was only going to break his heart. Yet he kept falling for the wrong people.

~*~ 

Sauli woke up feeling blissful. He was in an unfamiliar room but he still recognized it and remembered it. Still in the haze of sleep, Sauli rolled around on the bed and saw Adam sleeping beside him.

Oh. Right. He and Adam. Sauli smiled, feeling so happy he thought he was going to burst any second.

Adam was sleeping on his stomach, duvet up to his hips, barely covering his ass. He was so freaking beautiful Sauli thought he couldn't be real. Not like that. Not in bed with Sauli.

Sauli half-draped himself on top of Adam's back and kissed the nape of his neck, his shoulder, and again his neck.

Adam made sleepy sounds, shifting a little. Sauli felt guilty for waking him up when he finally could sleep in but how couldn't he? Right now he just couldn't keep his hands and lips off Adam.

Even Adam's scent felt intoxicating. He smelled like sleep, mildly like hair conditioner and something that was so... so Adam.

Sauli glanced at the clock and it was 10.25 so maybe waking Adam up now wasn't so bad.

Sauli hummed in quiet laughter, almost high from happiness. He moved off of Adam and ran a hand down his back, feeling his spine. His favorite thing must be the dip on his lower back.

"I assume you're awake." Adam murmured, voice hoarse.

"I am." Sauli beamed, "Good morning."

Adam chuckled, lazily turning around on his back, "Morning."

Sauli looked like the sunshine itself and he just woke up. It wasn't fair. But that sunshine made Adam's day already a little better.

Adam curled his hand behind Sauli's head and pulled him down for a sweet kiss. Sauli sighed happily, reaching out to touch Adam's silky hair.

Sauli pressed up against Adam's body, throwing a leg over his hips, morning wood squished against Adam's thigh.

"I assume you're also happy to see me." Adam grinned.

Sauli chuckled,

"You could say so." He said, reaching down to run a hand over Adam's crotch, hoping to find some level of hardness but didn't find any, "You're not that happy to see me."

"When things are fucked up in here." Adam said, tapping a finger on his temple, "Eventually they get fucked up there too."

Sauli made a face, placing his hand on Adam's stomach instead, not bothering to tease his dick awake because it just wasn't the same.

"Well, I'm happy it worked perfectly last night." Sauli smiled, pecking Adam on the lips once more, "Do you even know how incredible you are?"

Adam hummed, wrapping his arms around Sauli's small waist and pulling him on top of himself. He didn't care that the bedding was tangled between their bodies, blocking the skin on skin contact from their lower bodies.

"Are you talking about me in general or my sex skills?" Adam asked, a wicked grin on his face, but deep down he wished Sauli would answer with the former. It'd mean more to him than the latter, even though that was important too.

" _You_." Sauli said, brushing the tip of Adam's nose with a fingertip, "But I have no complainments about last night either." he added with a flirty smile.

Adam smiled, running his hands up from Sauli's waist and cupping his cheeks.

"I'm not good at this talk stuff... as you may have noticed." Adam said, his smile fading, "I find it easier to connect through music. But anyway, last night meant more to me than I can put into words... Not only did I see that you _really_ like me, but I also had a few seconds where I liked myself too... Mostly because I saw how _I_ made _you_ feel."

Sauli's expression was soft and gentle, and so understanding.

"I felt... Sexy even." Adam said, chuckling like it was all just so amusing and so damn ridiculous.

"You _are_ sexy." Sauli murmured, "Don't ever doubt that."

Adam huffed, letting go of Sauli's face. Sauli didn't move off though, he was too busy looking at Adam. He pressed a kiss between Adam's eyebrows.

"And it's all so... I don't know. Here we are pretending like we're some happy couple, waking up next to each other, but the reality will hit us sooner or later." Adam said, closing his eyes when Sauli's lips came closer to his eye. He kissed his eyelid. Adam doubted that he even paid attention to what he just said to him.

"I know what you mean. But this morning is the best morning I've had since like... forever." Sauli smiled, sliding his mouth across Adam's cheek and pressed kisses along his jawline, "I could eat you up."

Adam chuckled, gently pushing him away when he gave a lick to his ear lobe.

"Okay, okay, down puppy." He said, and Sauli slid off with a grin, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. There's another one down the hall if you need to..."

Sauli looked down at his lap and gave Adam a helpless shrug,

"Not yet."

Adam snickered and pecked Sauli on the lips once more, getting up from the bed. He put on his bathrobe and got himself a fresh pair of underwear, a tank top and some sweats. That was good enough until evening when he had a VIP club performance.

Sauli pulled on his briefs and top, then left the bedroom. He knew the house well enough to make his way to the kitchen where he could prepare some breakfast, knowing that Adam might not eat at all but wanting to try anyway.

And finally he had to check his phone. Unread messages from Jacob, some friends and his sister. He sighed, placing his phone on the kitchen counter.

Gosh, he loved Adam's roomy kitchen. It was so big it was hard to find the stuff he needed but he really liked the extra space.

He wasn't half-way ready when Adam came down as well, in comfy looking clothes. Sauli forgot what he was even doing and his mouth twitched into a dreamy smile as he looked at Adam.

Man, he got it bad.

"Focus on the food. Don't burn my house." Adam chuckled, nodding towards the omelet cooking on the stove. Sauli blushed, highly un-usual, and turned his head back towards the pan while Adam sat down in the dining area.

He could help Sauli. But he felt that Sauli wanted to do it by himself.

Adam liked having Sauli around. He created the feeling of comfort and he didn't feel so lonely in his presence. But Adam wanted to keep it real, and sooner or later Sauli will leave.

And what will he do then? Sauli had been the only one pulling him out of the darkness he was buried beneath. Adam was exhausted when he met Sauli, barely going on anymore, but now he had a little more will to carry on. A little more energy to keep fighting.

"Here you go!" Sauli beamed, dropping the omelet on a plate and carrying it over to Adam.

"Thank you." Adam smiled, pulling the plate closer. It didn't take long until Sauli came to him with a cup of coffee as well, making Adam feel like he was getting a full-service in a hotel.

Adam noticed Sauli grab his phone and with a not so happy face, type a text message. Maybe to his fiance. Then he got back to preparing breakfast for himself.

Adam sipped his coffee, not surprised when Sauli's phone rang not long after he had put it back on the counter. Sauli sighed, rolling his eyes.

It made Adam feel satisfied in some twisted way. Before, he had felt bad for Sauli's boyfriend but after last night, after Sauli told him how he had treated Sauli, he lost that sympathy. And after their intimate time Adam felt even more jealous of Sauli.

"I'll take this. Otherwise he won't stop until I'm back home." Sauli said, holding his phone up. Adam nodded approvingly and understandingly, watching Sauli walk out of the kitchen.

Adam poked around his omelet. He wasn't exactly hungry, he rarely was in the mornings, but Sauli saw the effort of making breakfast again so he wasn't going to not eat.

He was almost finished when Sauli came back, looking drained and teary eyed. Adam felt his stomach drop and he shot a questioning, concerned look at him.

"I just can't do this anymore." Sauli said with a bitter chuckle, wiping his eyes.

"What did he say to you?" Adam asked, his tone low, and that voice would have turned Sauli on under any other circumstances. It was protective and just the right amount of posessive.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." Adam insisted, standing up "Come here."

Sauli smiled, walking over to Adam and diving into his warm embrace. Sauli had always been good at hiding his grief. His sunny personality saw positivity in everything and generally he was a happy person, but right now, with all these emotions, he felt like he was tearing in half.

And after last night, after he finally was able to tell Adam the real deal in his relationship, his body just gave in and the tears came.

"I've been so blind." Adam whispered, "I was so caught up in my own head and my own problems that I totally neglected you and your feelings. Guess I'm no better than your boyfriend when it comes to that."

Sauli huffed,

"None of that shit. You can't and you shouldn't feel guilty for being focused on your own problems for onc.e" he pressured, "Right?"

"Maybe so. But I still could've asked how do _you_ feel." Adam murmured, running his hand slowly up and down Sauli's back.

Sauli pulled away and gazed into Adam's eyes, hands still thrown over his shoulders.

"And I would've ignored the question anyway because I was so concerned about you."

"Because you're nice like that." Adam smiled. Sauli chuckled, acknowledging it very well. That was the way he always was. Always had been. He couldn't always call it a good quality though.

"But I gotta ask you something though." Adam said, "If you wouldn't have met me... How would you cope? I mean what would you do? Continue your life the way it is now? Chained to a person you don't genuinely love?"

Sauli shrugged. That was probably what he would be doing so thank God for Adam.

"I think I have emotional issues." Sauli admitted, chuckling like it was amusing. Adam did the same... downplayed the problems of his own like they didn't matter.

"Welcome to the club." Adam smiled gently, hoping to put Sauli at ease because it probably wasn't easy for him to admit such thing, "I feel like we could talk about this."

"Adam-" Sauli started, squirming out of the loose hold Adam had on him, only to get interrupted immediately and pulled back in,

"No. I could never make you talk about something if it feels too rough for you. But sometimes... at least to me... it feels easier to talk when someone bothers to offer an ear and actually cares about the stuff."

Sauli gave Adam a small, sad smile, and looked into his baby blue eyes. Adam continued, voice soft and gentle,

"How can you expect me to talk to you when you won't talk to me?"

"I could ask you the same." Sauli shot back and Adam made a face. Put two stubborn souls in a situation like theirs and things will get interesting.

"Because you can trust me." Adam said.

Sauli looked at him with that 'so there you have it' face. Adam sighed, realizing just how stupid and ignorant he had been. It was easy the other way around, easy to tell someone they could trust you, but trust itself was never easy.

"Don't turn this on me now." Adam defended, walking back to his chair and sitting down.

"If you want the honest truth... It was lust at first with you. I _desired_ you. But I'm a faithful man, I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. We had and still have our problems but I didn't wanna be that guy. I thought I was better."

Adam's eyebrows shot up. He wasn't surprised, he knew it. But it was still a little sad to know someone only liked you because of your looks.

"Then my heart came into the game. And that was when my head got fucked up. I couldn't help it even if I wanted to." Sauli said softly and walked before Adam, tipping his head up by the chin, "You stole my damn heart. And your grip is stronger than anyone else's ever before."

"Sauli-" Adam said, pushing his hand away.

"No, listen to me. I kept coming back for more because I wished, brutally honest now, that we could have sex. I kept saying I don't want it but my body disagreed. But the episode in the backroom after your Queen show... I realized there was more to it than just lust. I cared. And the time passed by and I kept feeling stronger and stronger everyday, lust only a small part of it. It was all so confusing to me because how could I feel so strongly when I had a fiance?" Sauli poured out and crouched down before Adam 'cause it was the only way to get him to look at him, "Adam, I... I love you."

Adam's heart skipped a beat or two. How could Sauli...? How did that even happen? How could Sauli fall in love with someone as trouble-minded as he was? Adam really couldn't understand it.

And what would that mean for him anyway? For Sauli too. And Sauli's boyfriend.

"Adam? Please, say something." Sauli whispered, stroking Adam's knees. He feared that now he screwed it all up.

"I think I need some time to clear my head." Adam admitted, choked up, not raising his head. Sauli nodded, even though Adam couldn't see. It was understandable that Adam wanted to think about it, but it still wasn't the answer he was hoping for.

But he had no other choice but to leave.

~*~

Sauli hit the gym after the incident with Adam. He needed something that could take his mind off of it and nothing did the job better than the gym. And friends. But he didn't have any in LA, so.

Sauli was home for a few hours when he came back from Adam's place and it didn't surprise him that Jacob was out. Again. He made it clear to Sauli when he called that he was heading out and didn't know if he would make it back for the night.

He was pissed that Sauli spent the night with a friend, with a ' _her_ ' who was in the hospital, and didn't even bother to text him. Sauli blamed himself for it though because he should have let Jacob know that he wouldn't be home. He must have been worried.

So Sauli let out his frustration and stress on bench press. When he was finished, he placed the barbell back on its stand, got up and anxiously checked his phone for new messages or calls from Adam. Nothing.

Fuck that, even the gym didn't help him to snap out of it.

After the sweaty work out, he drowned himself in a bunch of Finnish TV series. But what could he expect? Everything just reminded him of Adam one way or the other.

God, how could he have been so stupid to imagine Adam felt the same way about him? And why was Adam so _complex_? Sauli couldn't care less about his fame but to be honest, it would be easier if he wasn't a public figure.

Sauli didn't want to seem too inquisitive. Adam said earlier that he was an open book but the pages were all stuck together and Sauli could only read a few sentences here and there.

Adam was just... He was _everything_. He was that kind of person you felt easy talking to. He was that kinf of person with a dirty sense of humor and a naturally flirtatious disposition. He was kind, caring and witty.

But the deeper you dug, the more you noticed characteristics that weren't so easy to see. He was moody, a bit cheeky and someone who built a wall and didn't let anyone through. In other words, he was just a person. A severely depressed person with a good game face.

Sauli hadn't forgotten his delectable lips or his perfectly shaped body.

Sauli picked up a pillow from the couch and groaned into it. Why was there such a thing called love?Just _why_?

Sauli's heart jumped out of his chest when he received a text message. He received another right after before he could even grab his phone from the table. And a third and a fourth.

It was Adam.

_hekp_

_help me_

_pl3ase_

_Sauli_

Sauli stormed up, dialing Adam's number. A sick feeling spread from his chest all over his body, leaving him nauseous in every possible way.

He heard the line connect but no one talked.

"Adam? You there?"

" _I am._ "

Adam sounded funny. Raspy, which was no suprise since he had a gig tonight. But there was more to it.

"Where the fuck are you? What the hell happened?"

_"I dunno. A club... In the bathroom."_

"What's _wrong?_

_"Just come... Please."_

"I-"

" _Hurry._ "

With that Adam disconnected. Sauli followed his instincts and shut the laptop and the TV. He grabbed his keys and wallet and headed out. He had no freaking idea which club Adam was in but he used the GPS to track his phone.

It was a gay club in West Hollywood, not that far from his place but he still took a cab and told the driver to wait at the backdoor just in case. It was actually the club where they first met. He did his best to get there as soon as possible because Adam sounded like he was in trouble in one way or another.

When he arrived, he made his way straight to the bathrooms.There were a few men at the urinals, and one of the cubicles was occupied. Sauli assumed Adam must be in that one.

Sauli pretended to be fixing his hair until the men all left the bathroom. He gently knocked on the door of the cubicle,

"Hey, it's Sauli... Are you in there?"

It wouldn't do much harm to Sauli if he said his own name in case it wasn't Adam in there, but if he called out Adam's name, the someone might jump to conclusions and share another mindless story. Adam already had enough of those.

"I am."

Sauli was relieved to hear him talk so he wasn't passed out.

"Can you unlock the door?"

Sauli heard the lock snap and he stepped inside, closing the door right after. Adam was sitting on the floor, leaning against the toilet seat. His eyes were hazy; he was obviously drunk and had ignored the warnings his body flashed at him that he had reached the limit before the drinks made another appearance.

"Hey. What's wrong?" Sauli asked, crouching down on the floor and placing a soothing hand on Adam's shoulder, "My god, you reek."

Adam snorted out a giggle, but didn't bother to open his eyes.

"You and your kind words."

"Just being honest." Sauli smiled, rubbing the back of Adam's neck, "You feel sick?"

Adam nodded, "Had too many."

"Figured as much."

Adam wanted to say something to defend himself but his body lurched forward, and he grabbed the toilet seat. Sauli stroked his back when he gagged, his throat burning painfully as he threw up.

Sauli wasn't quite sure why Adam wanted him there. It wasn't the first time, neither it would be the last, that he'd be in such condition in a public bathroom.

When Adam was done, Sauli reached up to flush the toilet. Adam looked like he was about to wipe his mouth against his sleeve, so Sauli rabbed a paper towel instead and handed it to him. Fancy.

"Why did you want me here?" Sauli asked, "Last time I saw you, you made it pretty clear that you wanted me gone."

"I didn't." Adam slurred, turning his head and cupping Sauli's face in his hands. It was the first time Sauli cringed because of the smell of his breath and turned his face away.

Adam let go of his face but clung onto his shoulders instead, "I love you. I didn't tell you before but I love you."

"You're drunk. We're not gonna have this conversation now." Sauli informed and grabbed Adam by the arms, pulling him up on his wobbly feet.

He wrapped his arm around Adam's waist and supported his body weight.

"They're all over," Adam whispered, "They know I'm here."

"Who knows you're here?" Sauli asked.

"Everyone. The paparazzi, the fans, the journalists. I just wanna go home without all the hassle..." Adam said in a voice that made Sauli's heart ache for him, and stumbled out of Sauli's hold, grabbing the sink. He looked at his reflection, a loud sigh of misery and fatigue escaping his lips.

He was tired, exhausted, wasted and on top of that, he looked like a mess.

"Just once in my life. That's why I texted you... I knew you'd come to my aid. Maybe for the last time."

Sauli frowned, concerned and creeped out by Adam's words and behavior. He watched Adam try to fix his smudged eyeliner when he could barely stand.

"Why are you saying that?" Sauli asked.

"Because you're not gonna watch my pathetic ass forever." Adam said, cursing under his breath when he ended up messing his already ruined make up even more, "Do you know what Danielle said to me?"

"I-"

"Do you _know_ what she said to me?" Adam repeated, hanging his head low like the world had finally managed to defeat him completely and he was only able to abase before it, "She was... _is_ my best friend. She was once there where you stand now. She took me home and made sure I wasn't gonna choke on my own vomit and the next morning she told me she didn't like the person I've become and that she didn't want to be around me anymore."

Sauli's heart clenched. He could only question how bad the situation must've been for Danielle. He didn't blame her though, because he very well understood her point.

"She texts me from time to time," Adam added, "She visits... Last time I saw her was after I met you... She came to see how I was doing and if you had done any good for me. But it just wasn't the same... I ruined our friendship and drove away the person who always mattered the most."

Adam hadn't lifted his head so Sauli wiped his own eyes. Last thing he needed was for Adam to see _him_ falling apart because of him.

"I'm just... No good. Not to anyone and not for anything."

"That's not true. You're-"

"Look at me!" Adam shouted, turning around to face Sauli who was oddly calm, "Just... Fucking look at me right now."

"I'm looking." Sauli said, calmly and gently, like the whole situation wasn't wearing him down, "And I could describe you everything I see but you wouldn't believe me anyway. So here's what we're gonna do. I'm taking you home and making sure you won't choke on your own vomit, just like Danielle did for you."

Adam stumbled backwards to lean against the wall before his legs gave in.

"And in the morning... I'm gonna take care of your pathetic ass because you're gonna have a killer hangover. Then we're gonna talk. Thoroughly. But now..." Sauli talked and stepped before Adam to cup his wet, messy cheeks, "Now I'm gonna tell you to relax. I'm here. And I'm not gonna leave you alone. Not now, not tomorrow morning, not ever."

Adam nodded, placing his hand on top of Sauli's and nuzzling into his soothing, loving touch. Sauli smiled just a little. There weren't many reasons to smile these days.

"Now let's get your make up back on fleek." Sauli said, pulling out a paper towel and soaking one corner in the sink under the faucet. He used the damp corner to wipe the make up from Adam's cheeks and around his eyes. Thank God it wasn't water proof.

Adam gazed into Sauli's eyes. He was focused intently like this small task was the most important thing to him right at the moment.

"There. Good as new." Sauli smiled, tossing the paper towel in the trash can, "Now let's get you home."

"They're waiting for me at the front door." Adam slurred, stepping away from the wall and immediately wobbled. Sauli caught him but he knew if Adam really fell, he couldn't stop it. Adam was much bigger than him.

"Who?" Sauli asked, wrapping his arm tightly around Adam.

"My driver... My people. My bodyguard is somewhere out there too. I told him to fuck off when he came to knock on the cubicle door."

"Okay. So what do you wanna do?"

"Go home. Or to your place. Anywhere at all as long as you come with me." Adam said in a tiny voice, "But I'd rather just use the backdoor and disappear."

"We can do that. And oh, I brought you something with me." Sauli remembered all of a sudden and pulled out a black beanie from the pocket of his jacket. He put it on Adam and wanted to pinch his cheeks right after. That was how cute he looked.

Adam chuckled, hazy and tired, "Not gonna fool my fans."

"Let's hope we don't bump into any." Sauli said and walked Adam out of the bathrooms. He made Adam stand against the wall near the bathroom door and snuck to the bar as stealthily as he could, sighing in relief when he saw Emily manning the bar.

She was the one who told him about Adam's fame.

"Hey. It's Emily, right?" He asked, catching the young girl's attention. She squinted her eyes at him. She didn't look like she remembered him.

"Yes. What can I get you?" She asked, putting the wash cloth aside.

"A favor."

"Okay? What kind of favor?" She frowned in confusion.

"You remember when you told me about Adam Lambert?" Sauli asked, voice as quiet as he could make it in the loud music and still have Emily actually hear him.

Emily laughed, shaking her head.

"If I got a dollar for every time someone asks me that, I'd be a millionare. Or a 'thousandare', at least."

Sauli sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. Damn it. Bartenders saw many faces so how could Emily remember him? Such a stupid thought of him. But he had to try.

"You... You were the one who told me he was famous, I didn't know. You had seen me with him earlier." Sauli explained, relieved when Emily's face changed a bit, "I'm... I'm crazy about him. And not in that creepy kind of way."

"I-"

Emily was interrupted by the sight of someone throwing up on the floor near the bathroom door. Sauli glanced over, flinching at Adam's terrible condition.

Emily gave him questioning look, and Sauli nodded, a helpless expression on his face.

"We need to use the staff back door, please. I beg you. Don't make him go out the main door like that." Sauli said, eyes pleading. Emily could see genuine affection and worry in them, and she didn't hesitate for a second to say yes.

"Yeah, I remember you now. I've seen you in the papers." Emily smiled, "You were the guy Adam enjoyed being with since the first second, I could see it. Go get him. I'll show you the way out. On one condition."

"Yeah?" Sauli frowned, surprised by the last three words.

"You have to fix him." Emily whispered, "For the sake of everyone."

Sauli glanced over to Adam again. He had sunk on the floor, looking so small and alone in a place that was filled with so many people. And no one knew him. No one was with him.

Maybe that was the way he felt inside. He had so people around him because he was famous, but when he was like this, messed up and in desperate need for help, no veil covering him up, no one showed up. He was running out of people to turn to.

They had given up on him. Adam had said he could scream in a crowded room and no one would hear. If they did, he believed someone would have helped him. No wonder he felt like no one cared for him.

That all he deserved was this. Pain.

"I'll try. And thank you so much." Sauli said quietly, dashing out of the bar to Adam. Adam looked like he was about to cry over the fact that he messed up the floor. But then Sauli had no idea what could cause him to break down right now. He didn't know anything.

Adam jerked when Sauli grabbed him by the arm.

"Come on now, it's okay. It happens. Let's go, Emily will show us the backdoor." Sauli told him, pulling him up and supporting Adam's body when they walked to the bar. Emily led them to the back room, telling someone to watch the bar because she had to take care of something.

"These people are all very professional, you don't have to worry." Emily reassured just in case. She led them through a short hallway and past the locker rooms. The door was right at the end of it.

"Thank you so much again." Sauli said before stepping outside with Adam as soon as possible. Fresh air felt so damn good for both of them but especially for Adam who once again felt like throwing his guts up.

Sauli pushed Adam to the cab and got in after him.

"Back to my place now." Sauli told the driver who eyed Adam, who leaned against Sauli, through the mirror suspiciously, "What?"

"Is he gonna throw up?"

Sauli wanted to punch him. He understood his concern over his car but what the fuck did he expect Sauli to do? Walk with a person who could barely stand on his own feet? Just another inconsiderate prick for the night.

"No. And if he does, I'll pay the fucking cleaning bill." Sauli affirmed and wrapped his arm around Adam's shoulders. He tangled his fingers in his hair because he knew it relaxed him.

"Alright then," Said the driver, starting the engine, "Let's go."

Thorough the short drive to Sauli's place, Adam tried to fight against falling asleep. But Sauli's fingers running through his hair felt so comforting it was almost lullabying him to sleep without him having any control over it.

At least he wasn't vomiting and embarrassing himself in front of Sauli again. Or the cab driver who hopefully had no idea who he was.

When they reached their destination, Sauli paid the driver and helped Adam out of the car. The movement caused him to feel nauseous again and he scooted aside, taking a hold of the trash can.

He breathed deep through his nose, trying to calm his lurching guts. Sauli was there again, stroking his back and making hushing sounds.

"Gosh, you really over-did it tonight." Sauli pointed out like Adam didn't already know. But it wasn't judgemental, just a declaration full of concern.

Sauli walked Adam inside once he was done with the dry heaving. Sauli couldn't help but wonder what could have happened if he didn't show up. Or if Adam didn't text him in the first place.

Once inside the flat, Sauli helped Adam straight to bed. He stripped off his boots and jacket, then went to grab him a bottle of water.

"Drink." he said firmly, but Adam shook his head, already fallen on his back on the bed, " _Drink_. You've lost a lot of fluids from your body. You need to drink now or you'll feel even worse in the morning."

Adam groaned when he pushed himself up. He had probably never felt this helpless. Not only did Sauli have to keep him up but to hold the bottle near his lips too.

"That's right." Sauli whispered, placing the bottle on the nightstand after Adam was done drinking, and laid him back down.

He wanted Adam to be as comfortable as possible so he unbuckled his belt and undid his jeans, doing his very best to pull them off his long legs. He expected a cheeky comment from Adam, anything that would point out the fact that Sauli was taking his pants off.

But it never came. And in some way Sauli knew things were serious now. Adam was very drunk when they first met but he was still bubbly and flirty to the point of being annoying. Now he was just like... qlmost like someone who just didn't care anymore.

Like he wanted to disappear. Be gone. Forgotten.

He whimpered quietly, voice raspy from all the vomiting and probably from the singing, on top of being generally slurry now, and Sauli couldn't make any sense out of his words.

Once the pants were off Sauli tossed them on the chair nearby, then crouched down beside the bed and petted Adam's hair.

"What was that?" He asked.

"'M hurtin'."

"Where are you hurting?" Sauli asked, trying to remain calm but in his head he was screaming from the pain he was feeling himself. Adam's condition was getting worse minute by minute. Almost like he had 'enjoyed' a row of shots which were starting to kick in just now.

"Inside."

Sauli leaned close to press a kiss on Adam's forehead, in a way relieved that he wasn't hurting physically so bad he needed to mention it. Maybe. 'Inside' could mean a number of things after all.

"Just try to relax now." Sauli whispered, getting up to get a blanket for Adam. He didn't have a heart to ask him to get up so he could slide under the warmth of the duvet, "And turn on your side."

Adam rolled on his side, not liking moving at all, and Sauli draped a warm blanket over him.

"I'll be right back."

Sauli dashed to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, then switched into more comfortable clothes. He went through some cabinets to find a bucket to put near the bed just in case.

Then he returned to the bedroom, settling behind Adam. He didn't want to jostle him to distract his fragile sleep

~*~

Sauli woke up a several hours later to sounds coming from the bathroom. Almost like something had dropped in the sink or so.

He sat up to see Adam wasn't in the bed and he couldn't help but grow a little concerned. But the last thing he wanted was to seem paranoid. Things can drop in the sink accidentally without any creepy things behind it.

Sauli laid back down and turned to his other side, closing his eyes. But every second he waited felt like a minute and he couldn't rest until Adam was back in the bed.

He got up and walked over to the bathroom door, knocking.

"Adam? Is everything alright?"

_"Yes. Go away."_

Sauli frowned, leaning his side against the door. At least he had sobered up enough to talk clearly.

"I might have gone if you weren't so sharp about it. Are you feeling nauseous?"

_"Yes."_

Sauli sighed, "Baby-"

_"Do the words 'bathroom peace' mean anything to you?"_

It was complicated. All he wanted was to know Adam was alright. He had acted a little strange today, performed some reckless, careless behavior so Sauli had a right to worry about him.

"Yes. I just wanna know that you're okay in there." Sauli said, trying not to sound too annoying.

_"I'm fine, okay? Just leave me alone."_

Sauli had no choice. He wasn't going to creep behind the door. He went back to bed but he couldn't fall asleep before Adam would come out.

Seconds passed. Minutes passed. After 10 minutes Sauli got up again. If Adam had passed out in the bathroom, he had to fucking break the door to get him out. Not the best possible opinion but no can do.

"Adam? You're really freaking me out here. Can you please come out?" Sauli asked, voice more shaky than he intended it to be. He got no reply so he hit his fist against the door once more, "Baby, please. Let me in."

_"No."_

At least he was conscious.

"Why not? Come back to sleep. Are you alright?"

_"No."_

"Then let me help you with whatever it is that's wrong." Sauli offered in a gentle tone, "Please let me in."

_"I can't."_

"You _can_. Don't make me break the lock."

_"I'd like to see you try."_

"Don't make me do it. Let me in, I'm not asking you anymore."

"But you're gonna get mad at me..."

Sauli's patience was running out but he knew he couldn't let that happen. If he ended up yelling or sounding too demanding, he'd never get it.

Sauli sighed, pressing himself against the door like he could magically get through it if he tried hard enough.

"My sweet angel, there is absolutely nothing that could make me mad at you right now."

The unusual words of endearment flew out of his mouth so naturally he didn't even notice. He had called Adam 'baby' and 'honey' before but words like angel weren't in his usual vocabulary.

_"You'd be so disappointed..."_

Sauli heard someone moving on the other side of the door and he took a few steps back. He wanted to remind Adam that he was able to make such decisions by himself but the door was unlocked.

Sauli had imagined all sorts of scenes in his head and prepared himself for each of them. But still, he couldn't have prepared himself for what he saw.

Adam was sitting on the toilet seat, pressing a thick bundle of paper towels against his forearm and it was still soaking through. Sauli felt nauseous and his legs felt like they couldn't carry him so he grabbed the sink, panting.

"I told you I was hurting..." Adam reminded, voice soft and hurt and vulnerable.

Fuck, he really did. And Sauli ignored him, told him to relax and try to get some sleep. _Fuck_ , what a fool he was! He should have known what Adam meant by it. This was all his fault. He could have prevented this from happening if he had paid more attention.

"And I told you you'd get mad..."

Sauli collected himself and turned around to look at the face of the pain itself. Swollen wet eyes and a hollow expression.

"The only person I'm mad at is myself. God, I heard you and I told you to just relax." He groaned and covered his face in shame, "This is all my fault. I should have known. You weren't just giving me any signals, you _said_ the words and I just-"

"Geez, relax." Adam groaned instead, "This isn't anyone else's fault but mine. I can't control it. I can't stop it... "

Sauli let out a shuddering breath. It was different seeing Adam like this, _in the action_ , from a certain point of view. Adam's eyes were still hazy from alcohol but he didn't look like he was about to pass out any second anymore.

Sauli pulled out a towel from the cabinet and replaced the paper towels in Adam's hands with it.

"The fuck? You're gonna ruin it." Adam frowned but Sauli kept pushing it into his hand until he finally had to take it.

"Just hold it there." Sauli mumbled, reaching into the medicine cabinet for some supplies. He pulled out a gauze roll, scissors, band aid, and a bottle of peroxide then placed them on the edge of the sink.

To Adam, Sauli really looked mad. Upset. And it was hurting him. He never wanted Sauli to feel that way because of him. Which was one of the reasons he hated the fact that Sauli knew so much. Adam only ended up hurting them. Every time.

Just like he hurt Danielle.

Sauli put the tap running and felt the water until it was skin-warm. Then he yanked Adam close by his arm, too roughly, making Adam flinch but Sauli didn't notice. The noises in his own head were so loud he was completely oblivious of how hard he must have squeezed the fragile skin.

He rinsed the blood of Adam's arm, noticing at least 5 fresh cuts. How the fuck he even fit new ones there? The man was running out of skin to hurt.

"Sauli, stop it." Adam said, trying to pull his arm out of the grip but Sauli was holding onto him too tight, "Stop it, you're hurting me!" He shouted, yanking his arm free.

Sauli's mind grew alert, almost like he woke up from a trance. He saw Adam cradling his arm to his chest, looking up at him in pure shock.

" _I'm_ hurting you?" Sauli asked calmly, eyes like lasers burning into Adam's soul, "Look at yourself."

Sauli knew he shouldn't be talking to Adam like this, when the man was feeling like this, but the words came flying out. He couldn't deal with all this the way he probably should. It was unfair to even ask something like that.

He might end up needing professional help himself.

"I wasn't asking for your help." Adam whispered, hanging his head in defeat.

"But you need it. Like it or not." Sauli said and grabbed Adam's arm again, more gently this time, pulling it under the tap, "I'm sorry I hurt you. It wasn't intentional."

"I know."

After the cuts stopped bleeding, Sauli dried his arm and pulled out a cotton pad, dipping it in the peroxide.

"Is that really necessary?" Adam asked, hesitant. He never liked the sting of peroxide in his cuts.

"It gives my mind peace to know that there isn't any bacteria in your wounds." Sauli told him and tapped the pad over the first cut. Adam hissed, hands twitching.

Sauli didn't linger any longer than necessary but the seconds felt like long ass minutes right now. Adam was on the edge of tears, biting his lip to hold it in, when Sauli was finally done with it.

The cuts looked like they really needed air to breathe so he skipped the gauze and plasters, going for the closure stripes instead.

"Thanks." Adam said quietly, feeling oddly hurt from the empty look Sauli gave in return. He understood him. He _really_ did, but still, he never wanted Sauli to feel so bad because of him.

Sauli put all the supplies back in the cabinet when it suddenly hit him. What if Adam...? No, he couldn't have, could he? Sauli slowly closed the door.

"You didn't...?"

"No." Adam replied, knowing very well what Sauli was about to ask, "I thought about it though."

Sauli turned around, eyes lost and tearful. And if that didn't break Adam's heart, nothing ever could.

"What? Why? How?"

"Because I just can't do this anymore." Adam whispered with every ounce of honesty he had, "I can't put up with this no longer. I think the world finally got the best of me."

Sauli shook his head, murmuring something along the lines of 'no' and 'Now you listen to me' as he crouched down before the toilet seat where Adam was still sitting.

"You're still awfully drunk and you're talking non-sense. This isn't what you're really thinking about." Sauli said, reaching up to cup Adam's cheeks, "You hear me? This _isn't_ you."

Adam's expression was blank, careless all of a sudden.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that the pain I'm feeling inside of me right now is not real."

"I'm not telling you that because it's not true. What I'm saying is that you're not thinking clearly."

Adam let out a bitter chuckle, turning his head away from Sauli's touch.

"Look at me." Sauli said firmly and cupped Adam's chin, turning his face back towards him, "How am I gonna pound any sense into your stubborn little head? Everything that you're feeling right now... You're allowed to feel it all, I promise you that. Don't blame yourself, don't feel guilty for it, _feel it all_. It's okay."

Adam's expression changed into a more focused one. The only words he ever wanted someone to say was "It's okay". Not 'It _will_ be okay'. Because you can't know. What Adam had always wanted was for someone to sit him down and tell him _it's okay_.

"In the eyes of the world, you're just somebody they want to bash, judge, criticize, monitor, destroy slowly and painfully. They're doing all that just because you're a public figure, almost like everyone's property to throw around and play with. It's not right and it's not fair, and you don't need to pretend like you deserve it. You don't." Sauli's voice was soft and caring, like no other Adam had ever heard, "You have a job that has made you famous but it doesn't mean you can be treated like that. There is no such thing as the price of fame to pay. At least not this brutally. That's all bull crap."

Adam brought his hand up to cover his eyes. The tears were stinging his eyes again, threatening to fall. He was feeling too much. He wasn't sure if he wanted it or not. He remembered what it was like to be apathetic, not feeling anything, good or bad, but he didn't like this either.

"And one more thing..." He heard Sauli whisper, and at the same time his hand was pulled down from his face, "You can get on that stage and be that wicked lil' ass you are. You can step outside on the streets and flash the paparazzi the prettiest smile your gorgeous face can pull. You can fool all of those people with your contagious laughter and create a veil they can't see through. But me... Don't you be afraid of me. Don't you ever try to hide your true self from me."

Adam nodded, staring at his lap and blinking against the tears. They fell from his eyes and landed on Sauli's hands which were now resting on his knees.

"Don't you pretend to be anything for me. You don't have to play that act for me. You _shouldn't_ play that act. Because I'm gonna let you be yourself, the good and the bad, and I will still love the shit out of you."

A giggle escaped Adam's lips. Sauli's mouth twitched to a smile at the sound of it and he stood up, only to lean down and kiss the tracks of Adam's tears, tasting the salty, wet skin.

"I l-love-"

"Shh." Sauli hushed, pressing a finger against Adam's lips, silencing him, "Tell me tomorrow when you're sober. Ready to go back to sleep?"

Adam nodded. Sauli pulled him to his feet and held his hand all the way back to the bed, almost like he was scared that he'd disappear again. But mostly just because he wanted to hold onto him and never let go.

"I'm going to lock you in my arms, god damn it." Sauli murmured when they were settled.

Adam didn't have any complaints against that.

~*~

Nothing had ever hurt physically as bad as this did.

Adam blinked awake and regretted it immediately. His head felt like it was about to explode, his mouth was dry and tasted bad and his stomach was protesting against every little movement.

"Hey there." Someone said, and a few fingertips appeared on his temple, rubbing away some of the ache.

The events of last night were a big blur in his mind. He remembered nothing clearly. He didn't remember calling or texting Sauli, he didn't remember coming to his place or falling asleep on his bed.

The only thing he remembered was Sauli talking to him in the bathroom. And that was in hazy pieces, too.

Adam tried to talk but the only sound he could make was a pained groan in the depth of his throat. He opened his eyes again but the sunlight peeking inside the room made his head hurt even more.

"Am I dead?" He asked.

"No." Sauli whispered back.

"Too bad."

"Don't say things like that." Sauli frowned, moving his fingers closer to Adam's hairline. Adam smiled lazily,

"It was a joke."

"A bad one. You should try to sleep for a couple more hours." Sauli whispered, still rubbing away the killer headache.

The worst thing is when you have a hangover and you want to sleep it away, but you don't feel sleepy at all. But Adam couldn't imagine talking, moving or drinking anything right now so he tried his best to relax.

Eventually he fell asleep with Sauli's soothing touch.

~*~

At 12.30 p.m. Adam woke up for the second time. His head wasn't on the verge of exploding like it was before and his body didn't hurt all over.

But his arm was. It was a familiar, stinging kind of pain that forced him to open his eyes and look down at his arm. He saw new closure strips, keeping the skin together in several cuts.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered, not even sure if Sauli was even with him anymore.

Sauli raised his head from the pillow when he heard Adam.

"What is it?" He asked with a small frown, reaching out to touch Adam's shoulder. He moved closer against Adam's back and kissed the nape of his neck.

"I'm sorry for everything that happened last night... I can't remember much but I can only imagine what it was like for you..."

"Don't worry about it. The most important thing is that you're here with me, instead of passed out somewhere or home alone." Sauli said, pushing himself up, "I'll get you some water."

Sauli came back shortly with a bottle of water and some ibuprofen in one hand and a glass of fresh juice with the other but that didn't tempt Adam just yet.

"Where are we even?" Adam asked, looking around and not recognizing the place.

"My place." Sauli replied, sitting down on the bed next to Adam and placed a hand on his shoulder, stroking and rubbing soothingly.

Adam took a sip of the water to moisten his dry mouth and lips. He could still taste tequila on his tongue.

"So I slept in your and your fiance's bed?" He asked, not too happy about it. He could have thrown up on it. The sheets now smelt like him. Like his perfume, like excessive booze and a little sweat and that natural scent that was _him_.

Sauli didn't say anything. He didn't feel like confirming something that was dead-obvious.

He wanted to ask about last night. He wanted to know what went so terribly wrong that it made Adam drink himself to that state and hurt himself once again. But he didn't believe Adam would be able to talk about it yet. He didn't even remember anything from last night.

Adam swallowed down the painkiller with a gulp of water.

Then he became aware that he wasn't wearing anything else other than his briefs. The blanket was only covering his leg from the knee down at this point.

Fuck, he couldn't care less right now. It wasn't the first time Sauli would be seeing his thighs. There was no need to hide any ugly truths from him.

And his bladder was aching, desperate to remove the remaining toxics from his body. Sauli's hand fell from his shoulder when he got up. His world was spinning a little but not too bad that he felt like falling down, and he sighed when it settled after a few seconds he spent on his feet.

His pants were on the chair and he grabbed them with him. Sauli was still staring at him, but he wasn't talking. Adam hated silence. It scared him. Silence had more ruthful truths in it than any words did.

Adam made his way to the bathroom. The first flashback hit him the second the saw the small room. He remembered browsing through the medicine cabinet for something, _anything_ he could use for self-harm. He was feeling so anxious he felt like he was about to die in the shortness of his breaths.

Adam shook the memories away. He peed, washed his hands, and finished with a splash of cold water on the tired skin of his face. He flushed with a mouthwash he saw on the counter because the bad taste in his mouth just wouldn't leave.

He started to pull his pants up when he saw the bruising on the sides of his thighs. He frowned, leaning down a bit to catch a better sight. They were mostly just grey-ish and reddish, nothing too serious. But he didn't have any clue how he got them. He could imagine though.

Buttoning his pants, he left the bathroom and walked back into the bedroom. Sauli was still sitting on the bed, biting his thumbnail while doing something with his phone.

"Can you tell me what happened last night?" Adam asked quietly, arms crossed over his chest shelter-like, catching Sauli's attention, "From your point of view."

"Okay, yeah. I can do that." Sauli said immediately, putting his phone on his nightstand, "Are you gonna stand there or...?"

Adam let out a quiet chuckle, relieved that Sauli was being himself. He uncrossed his arms and slowly made his way to the bed and Sauli grabbed his hand and gently started pulling him closer.

"You don't have to be so stiff," Sauli reassured, "Just settle down with me."

Adam actually laid down on the bed, pushing his head on Sauli's lap. His head still felt too heavy to hold up.

Sauli smiled, bringing his fingers on both of his temples, "You're not gonna fall asleep there?"

"Depends on what kind of horror story you're about to tell me." Adam said and made a face.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"From the beginning of your point of view." Adam told him, preparing himself for the worst.

"Okay. So... Right after you sent me about three messages, asking for help, I tracked your phone down and found you in the same club where we first met. You were in the bathroom, in a _horrible_ condition and state of mind. You could barely stand on your own, you had been crying for god knows how long, and you were puking your guts out." Sauli informed, moving his fingertip between Adam's eyebrows when he frowned again.

Sauli was in the beginning of the story and Adam already felt so damn embarrassed he couldn't put it into words. He couldn't even imagine how bad second-hand embarrassment Sauli had felt for him.

"You uhm... You bled something out about your friend Danielle."

Adam's eyes blinked open, "What did I say?"

"You told me she broke things up with you because she didn't like the person you had become. Anyways, I... I put a beanie on your head and got you out of the bathrooms. A nice bartender, Emily, helped us through the backdoor. No one saw us."

Sauli skipped the part where Adam threw up on the floor. He wanted to save him from that humiliation. It was best that he skipped telling Adam about his drunk love confession as well.

"Thank god for that." Adam murmured, not pleased with the story so far. The thing with Danielle wasn't something he proudly shared because it was proof what a horrible human being, a terrible friend he was.

But atleast Sauli knew that now.

"When we got here I just put you to bed. I undressed you for your own comfort. But in the middle of the night I woke up and didn't see you next to me," Sauli explained, his hands stilling on Adam's skin because his focus turned fully to the shocking images from last night, "Turns out you were in the bathroom, I don't know what you were doing, but you let me in after you had cut your arms. You told me you-"

Sauli's voice cracked, and that made Adam gaze up with a sad frown. Sauli was holding a hand over his mouth, eyes closed to probably hold back tears.

He reminded him of Danielle. The way she had broke down, how she told him she loved him but couldn't be around him anymore for the sake of her own sanity.

"You told me you... That you considered taking some pills from the cabinet because you just couldn't do this anymore," Sauli said after gathering himself back together, "You weren't even upset, your expression was empty and hollow like you just didn't... Like you didn't care anymore. God, it was awful..."

Adam pushed himself up and tipped Sauli's head, aligning their mouths, kissing him gently. It was nothing but a short taste for Sauli, but it was something utterly comforting right now.

"I'm sorry... I was drunk and I wasn't thinking clearly. I still can't remember any of this." Adam whispered, stroking Sauli's cheek with his thumb, "I'm sorry I put you through all that."

"I don't know what finally crushed you like that but it was scary," Sauli admitted, "I fear that someday when I call you... you won't be there. And the next day I see the news and-"

His voice betrayed him again and it hurt Adam to see Sauli like that. See him so vulnerable when he had always seemed and been so strong.

Adam couldn't even say it could never happen.

"Here's what we're gonna do... I'm gonna go home to clear my head. And you're gonna be at my place by the night. We need to talk."

~*~ 

Sauli arrived at Adam's place around 6 p.m. Adam knew that they needed to skin the cat now or they never would. And that way he would end up pushing Sauli away from him, the only person who still had strength to try with him. Adam couldn't take it.

Sauli was surprised Adam greeted him at the door in nothing but black tight briefs and a tank top.

"Hey," Sauli smiled, going for a hug. Adam hugged him back, holding on tightly, and if that wasn't the best feeling in the whole world, he didn't know what was. It wasn't just the hug itself, it was the easiness of it.

"Hi. I'm glad you could come." Adam said, pulling away.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Sauli pointed out and took his jacket off, hanging it in the cloth rack nearby, then kicked off his shoes. Adam smirked, simply loving how Sauli didn't care to be so neat. He didn't ask where he could put his jacket, he just went for it. Adam wouldn't mind if he tossed it on the floor.

"I love your outfit today." Sauli winked. Adam chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck, "But what are those?" Sauli added, frowning as he pointed at Adam's legs, at the new bruises he saw on his thighs.

"That's what I wanted to talk about. C'mon. Let's get comfortable." Adam said calmly, taking Sauli's hand and pulling him to the lounge area of the house where Adam had prepared some snacks. He just felt like making something, they might sit there for a while, so. They sat on the comfy couch and Adam lifted his feet on a foot stool, putting his legs almost on display which was surprising to Sauli.

"I know I've been kind of hard to reach. It's just that a long time ago I decided to rather stay inside of my own mind, my own world, rather than stepping out on display. Somewhere where anybody can... Hurt me. Or judge me. Or manipulate me. You never did anything wrong, it simply was my decision to pull back everytime you got too close." Adam explained, staring down at his lap rather than looking into Sauli's eyes.

Sauli understood that though. If that made talking about this easier for Adam, so be it. It was okay.

"I fear that I'm going to lose you if I don't open up my heart," Adam whispered, fidgeting like every time he's nervous, playing with his fingers.

Sauli grabbed his other hand and intertwined their fingers,

"Hey... I don't want you to feel pressured into anything. You're not gonna lose me."

"Sooner or later I will if I stay locked up, and you know it yourself. No one wants a person they don't even know." Adam said dimly, "But I also fear I'm gonna lose you after you know me better. Oh the irony."

Sauli sighed.

"Oh baby, you're so silly." He said gently and squeezed his hand affecionately.

"Glad I am amusing you." Adam mumbled, "Anyway... All the missing pieces from last night slowly came back to me. So first of all, thank you for everything you did for me last night. And I'm sorry for everything I did."

"You're welcome and it's okay." Sauli smiled. The tone of his voice was light so Adam encouraged himself to look at him, pleased to see him smiling. He felt accepted considering his behavior last night had been just awful for Sauli to bear.

"So... After my VIP performance, all my managers, bodyguards, label people, just _everyone_ came into the backrooms. It was just a huge fuss around me _'Adam go there, Adam do this, Adam sign this, Adam come here'_. I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I ran into the bathroom and I had an anxiety attack. A bad one. That's when I made these." Adam told him, pointing at the bruises on his legs, "I wanted to hurt myself to tear my mind off of the mental pain. When I get that urge... I'll do anything. I bruise or scratch myself, pull my hair... Anything really. I don't need a knife or a razor."

While Sauli hated hearing stuff like that from Adam, he wanted to hear all of it. He wanted to know where all this pain of his was coming from and why he acted the way he did. Adam was a beautiful person, he knew that much, but he wanted to know more.

Now when he looked at Adam's thighs, the bruises were obviously fingerprints.

"I escaped. I needed some room to breathe so I went to this club. I remember downing several shots, drinks, not a single glass of water, and of course at some point my body started protesting. I texted you because I knew I wouldn't make it home by myself. And somehow I knew you'd come for me. Thanks for that. Again. You know what happened then." Adam explained, sighing.

Sauli cuddled up closer to him, wishing it could bring him some comfort and courage to keep talking. And to show that he was here to support him, not judge him.

"In your place, the feeling still wouldn't leave. I tried to tell you something, anything at all to make you see but apparently I was too drunk to even talk clearly. After I woke up a little sobered, I had another anxiety attack. I couldn't wake you up, you looked so damn cute and peaceful. I didn't want to disturb that with my shit." Adam said with a small frown, and Sauli looked up at his face. He had to kiss Adam's jaw. How could he not after what he said.

Adam smiled, just a little, and kept talking;

"I needed to do it again. I needed to hurt myself because the anxiety was one of the worst ones I had ever experienced. Alcohol makes them worse. Yet I keep coming back to drinking. Because, even if just for a few minutes, it makes me forget about all the shit. I feel light-headed. And it feels good. But last night I obviously over-did it."

Not the first time it happened. But it was the first time Sauli was there.

"If there is anything I can do, I-"

"I'm not an object you can fix." Adam interrupted right away before Sauli could even finish himself, and his voice was just a bit louder and stronger, "You can't tape or glue me together if I break."

"There isn't much I can do anyway. You need to want it yourself. I can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved. The change starts from you." Sauli pointed out and straightened up, sitting back on his haunches and looked into Adam's eyes. Well, he tried to look into them. All he could see was his long, dark lashes since he was staring down at his fingers.

"I'm caught in an endless cycle. From anxiety to self harm, from self-harm to self-hate, from self-hate back to self-harm." Adam sighed, "It would take a magician to pull me out of it."

" _Let me help you_." Sauli pressured, "Please. I can't watch you like that, I simply can't. The sad part is that I know where Danielle came from when she left. Yesterday was... It was hard for me. Maybe it sounds selfish now because you obviously suffered more but I have a right to feel what I feel-"

"Selfish?" Adam frowned, head finally jolting up, "You think that I think it's selfish? Sauli, I don't give a crap about how _I_ feel, I'm too tired for it. The only feelings I care about are yours. I am not attention-whoring like some people do to bring all the focus on me."

Sauli grabbed Adam's face and kissed him, hard and raw. Adam moaned in surprise, body completely frozen in shock.

Sauli let his tongue swirl in Adam's mouth, dominating the kiss like there was no tomorrow, not giving up the control even when Adam tried. It left Adam breathless, soft sounds caressing Sauli's ears.

Sauli pulled away, breathless almost,

"Seeing you last night might have broken my heart into a million pieces but it was also one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. The way you let yourself fall apart, daring to trust in me, completed my heart. I wouldn't call you an attention whore because you never really wanted me to know your dark side," Sauli whispered, hot puffs of breath making Adam shiver, "God, do you really not have any idea how hard I have fallen in love with you?"

Adam chewed on his lip and finally encouraged himself to admit something he had been hiding in his heart for too long among all the other things;

"If it's even half as hard as I have fallen for you... Then I might have some clue."

Sauli's body seized and he gave a questioning look at Adam.

"You mean that-? It wasn't just a drunk talk yesterday?"

"It was that too. But I often slip truths while drunk. Some nicer than others." Adam said with a quiet giggle and nuzzled into Sauli's touch as he petted his cheeks, almost squeezing his face between his palms.

"So what does this mean for us?" Sauli asked, pressing their foreheads together, closing his eyes. He allowed himself to enjoy this moment, even if it was just a few seconds. Because he was almost sure that the bliss of requited love won't last.

"I don't know." Adam whispered, "All I know is that it's killing me inside to know you're with someone else. And I can't ask you to choose someone like me over him. I'd be nothing but a burden to you."

"You'd be my _everything_." Sauli insisted, inhaling so deep he could smell Adam's sweet scent, "You already are. I love you so much... You're the person I want to see next to me when I go to sleep and when I wake up."

Adam's face was almost pained, and Sauli could only imagine what he possibly said or did to cause Adam to look like that.

"Tell me that again when you know everything... It's only fair that way." Adam said quietly and pulled away, but the second he wasn't touching Sauli anymore, he had no idea what to do with his hands, that was how nervous he was, "It's not pretty."

Sauli could see him fidget. He could see how much he didn't like this but it was something that must be done sooner or later. You can't keep all of it inside, it'll end up killing you.

In Adam's case probably literally.

Sauli sat back anyway, preparing himself whatever he was about to hear from Adam.

"First off, my childhood was great. I have a wonderful family so none of this is their fault. They've done everything and more for me." Adam cleared up because people always assumed that some of your problems came from your family.

But it wasn't the case with him. He had beautiful parents who always made sure he knew that if there was anything on his heart, they'd listen. Especially his mom. Adam's little brother, Neil, was also such a great guy. Annoying, but great.

"My problems started when I was a teenager. I gained weight. A lot. I had a bad acne. And my self-esteem just sank as low as it possibly could. I was a loner in high school. It made me eat even more. When I joined theatre I met a lot of my current friends. But I already was this person who didn't want to open the doors too much and I noticed I started to have a really unhealthy relationship with food. I went through a major weight loss... With an eating disorder." Adam told him and grabbed the pillow from the corner of the couch, hugging it to his abdomen.

Sauli had seen it coming with the eating disorders. He guessed it a long time ago.

"My body image suffered. I was never satisfied. I'd look in the mirror and hate every single thing in my reflection. I lost more weight. I'd look in the mirror again and unlike others thought... I did see how unhealthy I looked. But _still_ I'd always find something in me that could be better. Thinner. Leaner. There was always something wrong. I was 17 so my mom was able to make me to get help. I did. I gained my weight back. I also got this back." Adam said, moving the pillow and touching his stomach, looking down. He pulled the hem of his shirt up and thought how unflattering the angle in Sauli's eyes must be, but it was something he needed to do.

"That was the first time I cut my stomach. And it was the first time I ever self harmed, actually." Adam said, pointing the scar right below his belly button and followed the outline with his fingertip, "I didn't know how to do it. It sounds so wrong when I say it like that but... I wasn't sure how deep you could go. But apparently I cut deep enough for the scar to still be visible."

It was white-ish skin tissue, fresher cuts going over it but Sauli could still see it when Adam showed the outline. He wanted to reach out and just affectionately touch Adam's stomach but Adam let his shirt back down.

"It was mostly just frustration towards the particular body part. It made me so angry it drove me to 'try' cutting. But with that experiment I grew more self-hatred because I felt so pathetic and ashamed of my behavior. I swore to myself I'd never do it again. As you can probably see, that didn't go as well as I planned." Adam said, his lips tugging down into an upset frown, "Not too long after that, I saw a razor blade in our bathroom. My body felt alive... craving almost. And it was scary. Almost like I had gotten addicted to a dangerous drug after the first time of trying it. My body gave in. I did it on my stomach again... hidden from every pair of eyes. I never did it to get attention nor was it a plea for help. No. I just... I felt such a rush. The high I chased... it was dangerous. But I didn't care. I'd become anxious if I couldn't cut."

Adam was still staring blankly ahead, not even thinking about looking at Sauli because he couldn't bear it. Sauli was listening carefully, not wanting to miss a thing Adam said.

Adam sighed, closing his eyes,

"Then the fame happened. I met some producers through a friend of mine and we made a record. It sold platium in so many countries I won't name them all. It all happened so fast, I just... I couldn't keep up. It was literally _all of a sudden_ when I had no room to breathe anymore. Paparazzi, over-enthusiastic fans, reporters, label people, tabloids, managers... _Everyone_ wanted a piece of me."

"And that made your anxiety worse?" Sauli asked, it didn't take much to figure it out.

Adam nodded.

"In every prospect. I felt like I lost my own indentity. I didn't know me. I just kept thinking that this person isn't me. Adam Lambert has no million dollar fortune, a house on top of the hills, fans across the globe or anything crazy like that. I learned how to handle that though. But then... I did the thing that no famous person should ever do. Not until they are comfortable with their fame."

"You googled yourself." Sauli blurted out.

"The things I saw... The things people wrote about me. How... how can someone say something like that about anyone?" Adam questioned with a frown, and Sauli could see the hurt on his face, "And some of those things... Saying those things to a person who has been through an eating disorder is like pouring salt to an open cut. Or fuel to an open fire. The result is the same."

Adam was quiet for a while, and Sauli didn't want to break the silence by saying anything because he wanted Adam to face things as they were. He felt like he hadn't done it even himself yet. Silence was scary.

Adam knew it too. He could feel Sauli staring at him but he said nothing. He had no choice but to keep talking.

"The crazy thing is that I belived in them. I believed everything. But back then I had the huge urge to feel accepted and wanted. And what could have been a better way to do that than sex?"

Sauli clutched the fabric of his pants into his fists. Jealousy and anger ran sickenly through his body. Of course he knew Adam had had sex before but he knew he was going to hate what Adam was going to say.

Adam huffed, bitter amusement in his voice,

"I brought guys home. A lot. And the sex... it was like telling a dog to bark. I can't believe I sank so low. It was never about mutual satisfaction, only about my crave to feel wanted and beautiful."

Sauli's grip on the fabric loosened, and Adam saw it from the corner of his eye, "Still wanna hear?"

"Everything you want to tell me." Sauli squeezed out.

"Okay. Well, apparently that didn't really work. But then I met someone. Someone who was different. Someone I learned to trust in." Adam's tone changed and he hung his head, and Sauli was already sure he wanted to hurt this 'someone'.

Sauli reached out his hand but still couldn't quite bring himself to touch Adam. He feared he might stop talking because he looked like he was inside his own head, unware of his surroundings.

"I loved him. He worshipped me but not under my command. But that didn't pull me out of my misery. Things got more crazy around me. Adam this, Adam that. I did my first world tour. I was _exhausted_ by the end of it. When I got back home, I... I fell into a helpless crying. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful bastard... I'm not. I just... I wanted out. There's only so much you can get with money anyway. And sometimes people don't realize that what I'm here for is making music. _Music_. Why the fuck do they expect something more from me than albums and concerts? "

Adam took a deep breath and closed his eyes, willing his body to relax. He needed to remind himself that Sauli was worth trusting into. And that he _could_ trust in him.

"The burn out made my anxiety worse. And they just didn't let me catch a breath. It exploded after my second album... Just right out of my control. More award shows, Grammies, paparazzi ambushes, stalkers, _crazy_ schedule. I learned to fake a smile for everyone around me. But behind the walls... I started cutting my arms too, the pressure was too much. Cutting made me forget it... like a drug. And then, _he_ refused to touch me anymore because my scars were too gross to him. I know people react differently but I wished for any kind of support. Not judgement. He said he didn't want to be a part of my public image either."

It felt like the end. And the worst was still up ahead.

Sauli's heart was slowly and painfully breaking at everything Adam was telling him. It was so hard to understand what kind of demon fame could really be when you have never gotten a taste out of it.

"I don't think I had ever been so humiliated and hurt as I was then. I had let him close to my cuts, close to something I was deeply ashamed of... and he made me feel like trash. My family and my friends kept asking me what happened with him, and all the time I had to lie to them because I couldn't even think of telling them I was suicidal." Adam explained, his tone firing up a notch at the memory of the man who ruined his already fragile soul some more.

Adam let out a heavy breath,

"My constant lying and distant behavior drove them further away from me... And I just didn't seem to find courage to tell them I needed them. We saw each other when we went out but I don't think we ever really enjoyed it the way it was meant to... Because I was always so wasted. I was too scared to open the doors to my head... so every time someone asked me how was I or if I was okay, I'd say I was fine. Of course they got frustrated as the time passed. They did everything they could and I... I ruined my chances. So I could only blame myself."

Adam raised his legs on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest, feeling a desperate need to be small and hide away from the whole Universe.

"Alcohol poisoning drove me to the hospital several times, blood loss drove me to the hospital a few times. I woke up in the hospital room for a total of seven times. And out of those seven... Four of them I woke up alone with no one there... Not even mom. I really started to believe they wanted to dispose of me. What was I worthy of anyway?" Adam asked, staring blankly ahead at the Grammy statue on top of his shelf, "You were there once. And you made it clear that no one could put up with me if I kept that up. Like it was my decision in the first place..."

Sauli felt guilt punch him in the gut. He remembered his outburst at the hospital all to clear but it was just all the build up emotions he needed to let out. Frustration, worry, sadness, love, anger, bitterness.

"I-I never meant it like that..." Sauli stuttered out, "I just said I understood where they came from."

"Whatever." Adam mumbled, tightening his hold around his knees, "Anyway... I felt lost. Then I came across another 'someone'. Same result. I blindly trusted because I wanted _a touch_. Someone to run their hand on my disgusting body while they tell me they love every imperfect inch of me. He called my arms gross. He told me to seek help."

Sauli remembered Adam telling about this guy. But it was different hearing it again with all the events surrounding the incident.

"You've been stressed before I bet. You've been sad, you've been hurt. Think of the situation where you felt most stressed, most sad and most hurt and double the lasting time by about 7 years... That's how I feel." Adam said quietly, refusing to let himself cry even though his eyes were burning.

"I started cutting my thighs and by far that had been the best high I've ever chased and reached." Adam said, pushing his legs down and spreading his thighs enough to expose the inner sides, "It's such a rush. The femoral artery and vein run right beneath here" he said in a tone that was disturbing and creepy, while running a finger along his inner thigh.

Sauli bit his cheeks to keep himself from crying out loud.

"Not with me, Adam." he said instead, calmly, "Stop it."

He knew Adam well enough by now that he knew what he was doing. Changing his behavior from vulnerable truth to cheeky and creepy-like deceiving. Changing the subject from his hurt mind to anything else.

"This isn't-"

"Yes, it is me!" Adam shouted, jolting up from the couch and looking at Sauli with big teary eyes, "This is exactly what I am. Fucked up to the core. I wish that I was joking about the femoral artery thing but I'm not... That night before you called me an ambulance... the deep cut on my thigh, I tried to-"

Adam's voice cracked, and he hid his face behind his hands, slowly sitting back down on his spot. Sauli finally dragged himself closer to Adam, touching his shoulder.

"Two people I have let that close before," Adam said through his clenched teeth, but the tears which were falling on his cheeks now didn't fool Sauli, "Letting them in, fearing their reaction... their _rejection_. Falling apart before their eyes... Just to be told to-"

Adam stopped mid-sentence, bringing the outer side of his palm to his mouth like it would help or stop him from crying anymore.

"Sauli I couldn't bear a third one... I couldn't," Adam sobbed out, hands falling down on his lap in defeat, "So please... Please don't hurt me. And right now my worst fear is that you shrug all of this off and say 'that doesn't sound too bad, why are you such a whiny ass about it?'"

"Adam, for the love of God stop talking like that and come here." Sauli pleaded, opening his arms in invitation. Adam all but fell against him, wrapping his arms around Sauli's neck like his life depended on that single hug.

Adam was visibly trembling.

"Oh baby, you're shaking." Sauli whispered, running his hands slowly up and down Adam's back, "Shhh. You have nothing to be afraid of. I won't hurt you... I could never. And anything that hurts you this much _is_ a big deal." he hushed into Adam's ear.

Adam crashed him into his arms, crying out the tears he had kept inside for too long,

"Help me," He pleaded, "Please... I need you. _I love you_."

"I love you, too." Sauli replied softly, "We'll get through this, okay? I'm glad you told me all of this."

"There's still a lot to know," Adam murmured, "But you're gonna have to learn them yourself"

“Then I’ll do. But I’ll tell you this, don’t let anyone judge what you’ve done, not unless they’ve been in your shoes every painful day and every sleepless night”

~*~

Sauli was twirling Adam's hair between his fingers while staring at the clock. Adam fell asleep on his chest like an over-exhausted baby and he had been trapped beneath him for the whole evening.

He didn't care though. He'd rather be right here, just lying still while playing with Adam's hair, than at home. The man of his dreams, the man he deeply loved and cared for, was considering him the mattress so why would he want to move?

Sauli chuckled to himself.

Adam was surprisingly peaceful. Sauli could feel his warm breath against his skin through the cotton of his shirt. He didn't imagine such small thing would make him feel like this.

It was comforting.

Sauli glanced at the clock, seeing it was getting closer to 7.30. And damn, he really needed to pee.

He tried to slide off the couch but noticed right away that there was no way he could without waking Adam or moving him off first. He could probably roll them over but that would wake him up, too.

Adam made a tiny noise in his throat, tightening his hold around Sauli and draping his leg over Sauli's lap.

_Why are you so cute? How could such perfection even exist?_ Sauli traced his fingertips along Adam's outer ear, from his helix to earlobe and down along his neck.

Adam frowned in his sleep, hunching his shoulders a little as if to protect his neck and reaching out to brush off whatever was tickling him.

Sauli chuckled quietly. He did the same thing again, stroking the skin of Adam's ear, and gently tugging on the earlobe with a forefinger and thumb.

The noise Adam made was muffled as he mumbled something and swatted Sauli's hand away, clearly more awake now.

"I need to pee." Sauli informed, whiny almost, and tried to push Adam's body off of him. Adam was awake enough by now that he sat up, rubbing his tired eyes. Sauli slid off the couch and made his way to the bathroom while Adam was still in the haze of a good nap.

Adam stretched his arms and neck, like he had slept way longer than an hour. He fell on his back on the couch and flexed his toes too. He sighed, finally feeling well-rested after such a long time.

He looked at his thighs, then arms. He never saw himself be so open about his self-harm with anyone. It felt good and pretty empowering not to hide it, to feel accepted and loved regardless of all that.

Adam raised the hem of his shirt and looked at his stomach too. He pushed the waistband of his briefs lower, just enough to expose the rest of the only vertical scar he had there.

He jerked when he heard Sauli's voice,

"Admiring your perfection?"

Adam snorted, rolling his eyes. Sauli knew how to hit the cliché buttons better than anyone else. He pushed the hem of his shirt back down.

"I wish. And why did you let me sleep so long? Now I won't be able to sleep until like... 3 a.m." Adam whined, watching Sauli walk closer to the couch and sit by his feet.

"How could I have woken you up when you slept on my chest like a baby?" Sauli asked in a squeaky voice and stroked Adam's foot, "You were so cute."

"You," Adam started and poked Sauli's chest with his toes, before curling his calf behind his back and pulling him closer, "Need to come up with something to do until then."

Sauli gave into the pull and settled between Adam's thighs.

"Hmm. When I'm bored, I usually exercise a little," Sauli whispered, leaning lower to kiss Adam's ear, "or take a walk," he continued, breathing heavy along Adam's jawline, "Before bed I like to watch TV." he murmured, going lower to nip the skin of Adam's neck.

"Sounds almost interesting," Adam breathed out, surprised by how quick Sauli had him worked up and nearly breathless from anticipation.

"Don't be so hard." Sauli hissed, reaching down to shift Adam's thighs further apart and towards Adam's shoulders, pressing up against him firmer, causing Adam to gasp at the rush of arousal.

"Oh?" He chuckled then, amused by the choice of Sauli's words, even though it was an honest mistake in broken English, "That is the first time someone tells me that. Besides, I’m not _hard_."

Sauli snickered, hiding his flushed face in the crook of Adam's neck, " _Harsh_." He corrected himself.

Adam grinned, automatically bending his head when he felt Sauli's tongue come in contact with the skin of his neck. His smile slowly faded, mouth falling slightly open when Sauli drowned his neck in teasing kisses.

Sauli's hands slithered underneath his top, touching his side from hip to armpit, raising the fabric higher. Out of the way, to expose more.

Sauli captured Adam's lips again, chasing after his sweet, addicting taste which felt like air right now. Adam sighed, locking his arms around Sauli's body.

He didn't expect the night to end like this but he had no complaints. Sauli curled his whole body against him, fingertips digging into the sensitive skin near his armpits.

Knowing Adam and his past with sex by now, Sauli wanted to make sure Adam knew he wanted him genuinely. Every last inch of him. He didn't have to tell Sauli to love him or desire him, show him how he lusts for him, Sauli did it all by himself.

And some way, Adam saw that and believed in that. He felt it. And it felt incredible to be wanted that way, regardless of all his possible imperfections, both physical and mental.

Sauli's phone finally decided to buzz on the table. Sauli shrugged it off as a text message, grinding his body down on Adam's. Adam all but whined in need, curling his other leg around Sauli.

But the buzz didn't stop.

Sauli slowly pulled away from the kiss, Adam sucking on his lower lip, almost refusing to let go. It made an obscene, wet sound when Sauli's lip finally slid out of between his.

"Don't," Adam pleaded, "He's not worth it, not now... Please."

Sauli wasn't even planning to get the call because he had more important things to do.

"Hush you, of course I won't." Sauli said with a small smile, declined the call and put the phone back on the table, "You are my top priority now." he murmured.

He sat between Adam's knees and pulled Adam up to a sitting position too. Adam smiled, bringing their mouths back together but not kissing him. Sauli placed his hands on Adam's hips and pushed his shirt up, nudging his arms out of the way.

Adam raised them without any hesitation or protest, yet his smile slowly disappeared. Not due to uncertainty or anxiety, but because of something else.

He bit his lip when Sauli ran a single fingertip down his body, from his neck down to his chest. He touched his nipple, making Adam shiver as his skim tingled in response. He went lower to his belly, over the first scars, and down to his belly button.

His skin was burning.

Sauli sighed, bringing both of his hands to Adam's body and rubbing his chest until he felt both of his nipples harden under the firm touch. He tweaked both of them, loving the sound Adam let out.

Sauli smirked, leaning lower to latch his mouth on the hard bud. He kissed the skin once, twice, sucking just enough to make Adam curl his fingers in Sauli's hair.

Sauli enjoyed teasing. He stopped when Adam arched towards him with a quiet gasp. He looked up at Adam's face and with a wicked grin poked the nipple with the tip of his tongue.

Adam whimpered, body growing restless.

"Brat." Adam panted. Sauli just wiggled his eyebrows and laid Adam on his back, removing his own shirt, then hovering above Adam on his hands and knees.

"I'm going to kiss absolutely every inch of your beautiful body."

"Don't over-do the loving," Adam said and made a face, "You piece of mush."

Sauli smiled, leaning down to lick Adam's ear. Adam shuddered, grasping on the decoration pillow beneath his head.

"I couldn't even over-do my love for you." Sauli pointed out, kissing down Adam's neck. He wanted to learn every erogenous zone Adam had, but now he just wanted to touch Adam with his lips. He wanted Adam to feel his hot and wet mouth on his heated skin.

He wanted Adam to _feel_.

Sauli kept sliding lower, mouthing the middle of Adam's chest. The soft, fine hair felt so pleasurable against his tender lips.

He went lower, placing kisses all over Adam's stomach while his hands came to rub his sides. He kissed the tops of his ribs, around his belly button and along the happy trail leading into his pants.

Adam was looking down, body almost automatically tense. Sauli noticed it, just like he noticed everything.

"Just feel, baby. You can relax." Sauli whispered, "You trust me?"

"I trust _you_." Adam pressured. He squirmed a little when Sauli tickled his belly, trying to hold off the flood of giggles that threatened to break out, and miraculously succeeding, "But my mind doesn't give me a break. It tells me I'm-"

"You're not." Sauli interrupted, "Is there anything I can do to help that?" he asked, trying to hide his sigh because he knew Adam wasn't being this difficult on purpose. He knew from the very beginning that patience was the key word with him.

Adam opened his mouth to speak but swallowed the words back down on the last second. He blushed just from the thought and brought his hands down so he could play with his fingers.

"What?" Sauli asked.

"Nothing, it's... It's silly." Adam chuckled.

"I doubt it." Sauli smiled, pressing a kiss next to Adam's belly button, on one of his scars, "Tell me."

"You could... You could fuck me."

Sauli almost choked on his own spit and he tried really hard to contain not only his blushing but his rapidly hardening cock.

That was highly unexpected of Adam.

"Okay, uhm... First off, it's not silly." Sauli stuttered, breathing against and mouthing Adam's lower stomach, "Second off, how... How is it gonna help?"

"Don't question things, just-"

_Do it._

Not this time. It's like telling a dog to bark, he had said earlier.

"If that's what you really want." Sauli whispered, kissing Adam's belly button once more because he couldn't not to do it. It was right there, it was adorable and sensitive, and it seemed to have a direct link to Adam's dick.

Sauli pulled the elastic of Adam's briefs lower, hands shaking like a teenager's who was about to touch someone for the first time. But Sauli wasn't really nervous, just highly excited.

He exposed a few scars and more of his happy trail which was now beginning to widen the closer he got to his cock.

Sauli licked the freshly exposed skin. Adam's cock twitched underneath the fabric, eagerly waiting to get involved in the play. Sauli smiled, pulling the briefs lower and straightening up between Adam's knees, removing them completely.

Sauli couldn't believe that the man of his dreams was naked before him for the second time already. He wished he was going to see it many times more and hoped the feeling he got from it would never fade away.

Sauli dove back in between the spread legs, kissing Adam's inner thigh from knee to his groin. He caressed the scars with a fingertip, watching how they colored the creamy pale skin. Some of them were dark, some almost white, some just barely cured.

Some were clearly healed from stitches.

Sauli didn’t want to spread any bacteria so he only kissed the ones that were completely healed, the skin intact.

"Don't stop..." Adam pleaded quietly. Sauli looked up at him, seeing his eyes closed. To Sauli's surprise, he looked quite relaxed.

Sauli did exactly as Adam asked, and kept mouthing, kissing and gently nibbling the sensitive skin. Adam's inner cat was purring. He had no idea why it felt so good both physically and mentally, it just did. His inner thighs have always been highly erogenous.

Sauli paid attention to every sound Adam made and every twitch of his body. He had a sweet spot where his thigh met his groin.

Sauli sucked on the skin, carefully running his hands up and down the rest of his thighs, both on the inner and outer side. Adam clutched the fabric of the couch when Sauli licked over a particularly sensitive spot. His body jumped slightly off the mattress when Sauli centered his face between his legs, nose poking his balls.

"My baby." Sauli whispered, the taste and scent of Adam lighting him up like a fire. He raised Adam's legs, bent at the knees, up towards his shoulders.

"Safe sex, Sauli. Get the condoms. And lube." Adam reminded, before Sauli or him would get too lost in the moment, "From the guest room."

He had skipped condoms before. As a part of his reckless, self-destructive high chase. Thank God he was still clean.

"Fuck, you're right." Sauli cursed, "I was so lost in you. Don't start without me." he said, pointing a warning finger at Adam as he got up.

Adam just gave him an innocent smile, before bringing his finger into his mouth to suck on it suggestively.

"You're going to be the death of me." Sauli wheezed, making a run for it. He grabbed the condom and lube from the guest room, chuckling when he was walking back to Adam. Who else would prepare such things for their guests?

Adam was waiting for him like a good boy, not even playing with himself regardless of giving Sauli that picture by licking his finger wet.

"You. Naked. Now." He said, pointing at Sauli, squinting his eyes at him.

Sauli chuckled, unbuckling his belt. Adam watched intensely as he dropped his pants layer by layer until he was completely naked.

Adam had to give himself one, slow stroke from base to tip. He still wasn't fully hard but the pressure was building up.

Sauli was just illegally gorgeous, nothing but perfection from bottom to top. It was unfair.

Sauli settled on the couch, replacing Adam's hand with his own. He stroked him slowly, feeling the blood pump inside and slowly fill Adam's dick some more.

Adam reached out, wrapping his hand around Sauli's length in return. Sauli pushed his hips towards the touch.

They stroked each other, gazing adoringly into each other's eyes and every now and then down at their laps, their own hands around the other, and each other's hands around themselves.

Adam pulled Sauli down with his free hand, leaving their busy hands awkwardly between their bodies. But he just had to kiss Sauli right now. Hard and wet, tongue so demanding it left them both breathless.

Sauli pulled his arm free, and ground his hips against Adam's, their cocks rubbing together.

Adam pulled away, panting, cupping Sauli's face. Fuck, those cheekbones, those eyes, those _lips_...

"If you still want to switch, we can." Sauli whispered.

"No." Adam said, "I want you. I _need_ you inside of me... I want to feel it."

Sauli gave Adam a short yet a little rough kiss, then began to slide back down between his legs but Adam wouldn't let him.

"Sauli, I... I want you to know that this is the highest level of trust I can give to you. No one has ever... Not ever." Adam said quietly.

Sauli felt something throb inside of him. Whether it was lust or love, or both, he wasn't sure, but the feeling was strong as it hit him.

"Never? How...? I mean... don't you roll that way then? At all?" Sauli asked with a small frown. He didn't need this to believe Adam trusted him if this didn't genuinely feel good for him.

"No, I just- I mean yes. I probably would have but... I love giving. In everything. I have always known how to provide a shoulder to cry on but never really how to... Use one if offered. Or if I needed one. I guess that's just me." Adam explained, and frowned a little, "I'm not sure if you get what I'm saying."

Sauli snickered, taking Adam's hand which was still on his cheek, and kissing his knuckles.

"I do. But my biggest concern is if you really want this. You don't have to do this just to prove me something." Sauli said, fixing his position a bit, dick still hard and impatient between their bodies.

"Like I said... I want it. I haven't really felt curious about switching for certain reasons but with you... with you it's suddenly so different. _Please_." Adam whispered, "Now. Please."

Sauli nodded. He grabbed the lube and sat between Adam's legs, nudging his feet apart. Adam hoisted his legs up, knees towards his shoulders.

Sauli's cock twitched painfully at the sight.

"Stare by all means," Adam said, "But I'd prefer some action."

"And that's what you shall get." Sauli winked, opening the lube and spurting some on his fingers. He brought them to Adam's entrance, rubbing the sensitive, nerve-filled skin with his fingertips, cock throbbing as the muscles twitched under the stimulation.

He glanced at Adam’s face. A sheepish flush was covering his cheeks.

“Tell me if I-“

“Yeah,” Adam interrupted, “Just... please.”

~*~

Adam was a sweaty mess. He didn't even know he had such a hot spot inside of him. Well, he _knew_ by theory but he didn’t know it was _that_ amazing. The second Sauli had hit it with his fingers, his hips flew off the couch and his toes curled.

Sure he knew fingering was good, there was nothing hotter than having a man writhe just on your fingers. Sometimes it was even hotter than actually fucking them.

Adam loved to top. He loved to make them feel that way and-

"Holy fuck..." He gasped out, clutching the fabric of the couch as hard as he could.

Sauli was merciless on him. He had three fingers knuckle deep inside of him, thrusting them in fast and hard. The obscene sound of lubed skin rubbing together was the only sound in the room in addition to Adam's desperate moans and whimpers.

Adam could get used to this. Only with Sauli though.

Adam commanded Sauli to stop the preparation and foreplay, and just fuck him already.

He bit his lip as he kept himself open while Sauli rolled on a condom on his length and added some more lube to minimize any discomfort Adam might feel.

Adam spread his legs wide and stared down at the scene of Sauli's cock poking his gaping hole. He shuddered when Sauli rubbed his entrance with the tip.

He wasn't the only one.

Sauli was so tempted to push in already but he wanted to take in the moment. That he was about to be inside of the man he loved and who surprisingly loved him back just as much.

"Come on..." Adam whispered in need, reaching out his arms so he could grab Sauli's ass and pull him closer.

"Easy," Sauli smiled, almost like a smirk. He guided himself inside, his smile disappearing as his mouth went slack due to all the sensations zipping thorough his body.

Adam felt himself stretch around Sauli, and the sting felt somewhat uncomfortable. But the more he tensed up, the more it hurt.

"Shh," Sauli hushed in his ear and kissed his earlobe, running his other hand down Adam's side and down to his leg, raising it around himself, "Relax, baby."

Entering Adam was an overwhelming bliss. He was so damn tight around his cock and the big amount of lube made everything slicker and smoother.

Adam felt so full. He had never been topped for certain reasons, he had only seen what his cock had done to others while inside of them. But it never made him any more curious of what it would feel like.

He wasn't afraid of the pain or discomfort, or any other physical thing, it was all emotional, burnt in the back of his head.

Sauli's cock caused a different kind of pressure in his body, and he'd lie if he said it felt good.

For a second he felt bad for the boys he had had sex with, considering he was indeed very well packed. But they never showed any signs of anything else but pleasure with a slightly pained undertone.

The fingering was brilliant though. Maybe-

"God, Adam, are you in this world at all?" Sauli asked, hissing almost when Adam's muscles did nothing like loosen up around him, vice versa. "Do you wanna stop?"

"No. No, no. Shit, I'm sorry." Adam babbled, holding onto Sauli's waist, "Just... move."

"I don't want to treat you just as a mattress. If your head is not in it..." Sauli said, suddenly feeling self-conscious for some reason. He fixed his position, supporting his body with his other arm and using his free hand to caress Adam's hip and side.

"No, I'm sorry, I was just... A little nervous about this. What if I don't like it? What if there is something wrong with me?" Adam wondered out loud, closing his eyes when Sauli dragged his lips from his neck to his ear again.

He shuddered when hot puffs of breath hit his ear. Sauli was chuckling.

"If you don't like it, it certainly doesn't mean there is something wrong with _you_." Sauli grinned, not sure if it was a laughing matter but Adam was just so silly, "If you don't like it, it only means we are going to stop."

"We should have discussed this _beforehand_ like any responsible adult should... " Adam said, groaning almost and trying to find a position that wouldn't make his hole sting so bad, "And not when your dick is already in my ass."

Sauli could recognize his voice, he knew he was partly joking. But he still needed to make sure,

"Do you-"

"No. But I want you to move... Please, just move." He gritted out, squeezing Sauli's skin. Sauli obeyed, even though Adam was still so damn tense and tight around him.

But maybe he will relax once he started thrusting.

“If you got on all fours, it might be easier to-“

“No!” Adam interrupted, frustrated by the way his body acted. He wanted this, really did, but he just wasn’t used to it, “I’m asking, I’m _begging_ you... just move.”

First time rarely is a charm. They both knew it.

Sauli brought their mouths together, hoping that kissing would calm Adam down a notch, and slowly started thrusting his hips. Adam cupped his face and deepened the kiss, slipping in just a bit of tongue.

Kissing had magical powers, he believed. It made him forget about everything else. All he could think of was Sauli's lips, his mouth, and the way it made him feel.

Sauli felt Adam relax around him, only a little bit but he dared to thrust a bit deeper and a little faster. Fuck, if this wasn't the most amazing thing he had ever experienced, nothing was.

The tight stimulation was almost too much for him. It was just _so good_.

But like any other with a 'new' partner, Sauli wasn't as confident. He was worried whether Adam would have a good or bad experience, and he so badly wanted him to have the good one.

Adam was _the_ top. He had known exactly what to do, even with Sauli, though it was their first time. The second he had discovered his spot, he knew exactly how to curl and sway his hips to hit it again and again with every thrust he made.

He had made Sauli see stars and achieve an orgasm he hadn’t had in years.

"Wanna ride me?" Sauli asked suddenly, the words just flying out of his mouth. That way Adam could control the depth, the moving in general and aim his cock to his spot.

Adam was a little taken aback, "… You could just look at me."

"Yeah I could and be so fucking turned on by it." Sauli hissed against his wet lips.

Adam giggled. An innocent, giddy and sheepish giggle in the middle of sex. Sauli had never discovered something more wonderful than that. God, he loved him.

"Okay. Yeah... I can try." Adam said, feeling encouraged by Sauli’s words and his obvious desire towards him. He hissed when Sauli pulled out.

Sauli lay on the couch, holding his cock up straight and using his free hand to just touch Adam’s hip when he straddled his lap. Sauli didn’t know whether he wanted to watch his cock slowly disappear in Adam’s body or look into his eyes while Adam lowered himself on him.

He chose both. First he watched his length being swallowed by the hot and tight stimulation of Adam’s hole, inch by inch.

Then he raised his head and watched Adam. He could still see discomfort etched on Adam's face, his features scrunched up in pain. Sauli stroked his thigh, hushing,

“Easy. No rush.”

Adam’s eyes blinked open and he locked them with Sauli’s as he lowered himself rest of the way down. It actually got better then, the most difficult part was to get past the resistance and _relax_. He took deep breaths, willing his own body to relax.

Sauli was biting his lip so hard he was sure he was going to bleed. Adam was fucking _perfect_. So hot and tight.

In addition to being generally gorgeous.

Adam bent forward a bit, supporting his body with his hands. Sauli bit back a groan at the smallest rub the position change caused. Adam grinned wickedly,

“You’re already a mess.” He winked, slowly starting to sway his hips.

“That’s the effect you have on me.” Sauli wheezed out, squeezing Adam’s hips, “You alright? Not hurting?”

Adam shook his head,

“I’m fine. Stinging only a little... It was easier to relax in this position.” He said.

Maybe it was the fact that he was able to control the situation more. He wanted to punch himself for always having that in the back of his mind. It wasn't like Sauli would have hurt him on purpose or anything like that.

Sauli nodded. He didn’t take it personally. Maybe it really was just simply easier for Adam, who knows.

“That’s good… You know your body better than me.”

Adam smiled,

“Of course. But I want you to know my body too.”

“God, I want that too,” Sauli whispered, “So much.”

Adam rocked his hips again, harder this time, and felt Sauli’s cock throb inside of him. He felt it so clearly.

“Please, baby. Faster.” Sauli groaned, not wanting to sound impatient but to be honest, he was. Adam didn’t seem to mind much, his smile just turned into a smug little smirk. Maybe it was his toppy disposition but he loved to make his lovers squirm with desire and tease them to the point of insanity. It felt more like him than lying still on the bed while someone else was doing all the work.

But maybe he could have mercy on Sauli this time. Hopefully they have time to get to know each other’s freaky sides in the future.

Adam sped up his pace, swaying and rocking his hips first forward and back, then sat back to just go from side to side, rubbing Sauli’s cock against his insides. Sauli was gasping continuously. Everything Adam did was driving him crazy.

Sauli could barely keep his eyes open but he wanted to see Adam’s face, his body as a whole and especially that delicious cock which was swaying hypnotically before him.

He looked at Adam’s focused face, the way his eyes moved and how he bit his lip, like he was testing the waters, changing the way he moved on his cock. Then his face froze, gasp flying out of his mouth.

“Got it.” He sighed, “Oh fuck.”

Fuck. That was beautiful.

Adam started bouncing in a way that made Sauli’s dick hit his spot pretty much on every thrust. He couldn’t help the moans and whimpers pouring out of his mouth, eyes still wide open like he was surprised by the way it made his body shake with pleasure.

Sauli forced his own eyes to stay open because he had never discovered anything more beautiful than seeing Adam feel pleasure because of _him_. Sauli ran his hands up and down Adam’s thighs, groping and squeezing his skin just to _feel_.

He bit his lip, moving his hands to caress across Adam’s chest and stomach, touch his sides and finally reach out behind him to grasp his ass cheeks.

Adam looked down at Sauli’s face, seeing that his expression looked almost pained to his eyes.

“You alright?” He asked between his pants, slowing down his hips a bit. 

Sauli nodded,

“Yeah. I just... fuck. You’re so fucking- _Fuck_ ” Sauli stuttered, not able to form any proper sentences with Adam’s hole squeezing and rubbing his dick just perfectly.

Adam’s lips broke into a bright smile,

“You like?” He asked, slowing down more. He rocked his hips painfully slow, licking his lips when Sauli groaned and tossed his head back. He was still amazed by the way he could make Sauli feel. He was visibly aroused to the point of being nothing but a mess, and it was all because of him. And he didn’t even tell him to desire him.

He couldn’t believe he thought, wanted to _believe_ , that just telling someone that would make it true.

He jerked when Sauli smacked his butt. Why did he keep smiling? The grin didn’t go away. Oh man, he was enjoying himself too much. But Sauli didn’t see anything anyway, he was too far gone in bliss, eyes still tightly shut.

Adam curled his hips just right again, hitting his spot. It was all it took to make his smile disappear, replaced by a slack mouth, quiet and not so quiet sounds escaping. He sped up, which made Sauli open his eyes and raise his head.

He watched the way Adam moved his body, like he had done this countless of times. Sauli finally let go of his ass and grabbed his hips, holding onto him as he started thrusting his own hips off the bed to meet Adam’s thrusts.

A surprised moan flew from Adam’s lips, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. The nudge at his prostate felt way stronger now, with Sauli thrusting back.

“You sure you haven’t done this before? Because you ride... Fuck. Just perfectly. No other way to say it.” Sauli said, voice shaky.

“Oh I’m sure. I’m just doing what feels good.” Adam replied, out of breath by now.

“Never stop.” Sauli hissed, moaning shamelessly as their hips slammed together.

“Actually I was- Oh fuck. I was planning to.” He managed to say, and Sauli frowned, “Let’s switch.”

Sauli cocked his eyebrows.

“No, no, not like that. But with me lying down.” Adam explained, slowing down, “ _Do me_. _Fuck me_.”

Sauli didn’t hesitate. He was a little nervous of taking control of everything but his burning lust was driving him crazy. He just nodded, unable to talk, and held onto the base of the condom when Adam pulled out.

Sauli stood up next to the couch to give Adam some room to settle down on his back. His sweat was glistening beautifully on his body.

Adam spread his legs, holding them open by the pits of his knees. Sauli gave his cock a few tugs before aiming the head to Adam’s gaping, lube-slick hole. He pushed inside without wasting a second, and it went in beautifully smoothly.

Adam threw his other leg high up and over Sauli’s shoulder, and he felt only a little burn in his joints and muscles when Sauli leaned over him, bodies almost touching, faces so close together their breaths caressed each other’s lips.

It felt so much more intimate this way. There was more skin on skin contact, and especially the eye contact sent shivers down their bodies.

“You’re so bendy.” Sauli informed, holding onto Adam’s leg as he started thrusting.

“Deeper.” Adam whimpered, reaching out to grab Sauli’s ass and pull him flush against his ass. Sauli bit back his moans as his cock was sinking deeper and deeper inside Adam, hot hug over-whelming for a second.

“Move. Fast.” Adam said, voice illegally hot with its raspiness and his ragged breath. Sauli obeyed, rocking his hips. He let his cock stay inside Adam, not pulling even half away out. He wanted to know which way worked best for Adam too.

He thrust fast, small rocks of his hips. Adam was licking his upper lip, looking down at their joined bodies and the way they moved together. It had to be one of the sexiest, most intimate things and feelings you can think of, especially if you shared it with someone you cared about and who cared about you just as much.

Sauli nuzzled the side of Adam’s face, breathing hotly against his skin. Adam sighed in bliss, turning his face a bit to chase after his lips. Sauli locked their lips, kissing Adam like he had never kissed anyone before.

It left Adam whimpering for more, leg tightening around Sauli. He brought his hands up from Sauli’s ass and wrapped them around his narrow waist.

Sauli savored his mouth, tongue demanding as it swirled and bumped against his. Something Adam wasn’t quite used to, he was usually the one dominating the kiss and therefore almost everything that was happening. But he liked it this way too. He felt oddly secure, regardless of his self-hatred that hadn’t just miraculously disappeared.

Adam tangled his fingers in Sauli’s naturally blonde curls and tugged on them, pulling him further and out of the kiss. Sauli liked rough touches so he didn’t really mind, he was just surprised. He gave Adam a questioning look,

“Nothing, I just… Look me in the eyes.” 

Sauli was doing just that, not sure what it was doing to Adam or why he wanted him to do so. Sauli would have done it at some point without him having to ask.

But he knew what it was doing to himself. His heart was leaping in his chest, throbbing almost. Eye-contact was probably the most intimate thing you could share during intercourse. It reflected the person you’re with. Every person had different eyes.

And Adam’s eyes were the most beautiful and most intense he had ever seen. They were often, except now, filled with so many un-readable emotions, pain and grief. Now Sauli could see a different kind of shine in them, as cliché as it probably was, but he did.

Sauli stopped thrusting for a moment, cock buried balls-deep inside. He needed to catch his breath a bit and relax his muscles or he was going to have a cramp. He leaned in again to kiss Adam’s cheek, chin, jawline and neck.

Adam smiled. But it turned to a quiet shudder when Sauli gave a lick to his neck, going all the way up to his ear.

Sauli could taste the salt of sweat on him, and it increased his drive, if that was even possible. He started thrusting again, this time pulling out more before pushing back in with force.

Adam grunted, tugging on Sauli’s hair unconsciously.

Sauli bit his lip, wondering if he was even close to that magical spot inside of Adam. He did the thrust again, even harder.

“Fuck…!” Adam exclaimed, his hips jumping off the couch, “There. Fucking _right there_.”

Sauli felt such a rush of pride. There was never a guarantee that you were going to find that spot when thrusting. He had hit it with his fingers and drove Adam insane while doing so but this was something else. Not necessarily hotter, just different.

He sped up, thrusting hard and deep just the right away.

Adam became a whimpering, moaning mess beneath him in matter of seconds. He put his hands on Sauli’s waist, fingertips almost bruising the skin. Sauli imagined he could feel his nails dig into his skin too, but it didn’t bother him. It was kind of hot for him.

Sauli brought their mouths together and kissed Adam wild and wet, licking and sucking on his lips sloppily. Neither of them could care less about the lack of coordination right now, it was still better than nothing.

All the moans, gasps and sighs were swallowed and drowned by the kiss. Adam inhaled deep through his nose and curled his body against Sauli’s, his leaking cock rubbing against the skin.

Sauli was getting close, Adam could see and feel it. His thrusts became jerky and he was shuddering, squeezing the pillow Adam’s head was resting on.

“Fuck, baby… I’m gonna cum.” Sauli groaned in the kiss. He used his other hand to touch Adam’s body, just touch him. His sweat-slick, heated skin.

Adam chewed on his bottom lip and reached back to squeeze his ass, and that did the final trick. Sauli moaned, body jerking as his cock twitched and throbbed inside of Adam, a sweet release taking over his whole body.

Adam let Sauli’s lip slip out and brought his hands up, just running them on the lean skin. Sauli felt alive, skin still tingling underneath the touches like the nerve endings had doubled in amount. His arm was shaking and he crashed on top of Adam, face buried in his neck.

Adam let Sauli have his moment, even though his cock was painfully hard and the pressure in his balls was almost hurting.

“You’re amazing.” He heard Sauli murmur against his neck.

“Me?” Adam chuckled, “You are.”

Sauli smiled lazily, raising his head. The smile they shared was everything.

Sauli pulled his cock out, rolling off the condom and tyimg it. He tossed it on the floor because there was no trash can nearby, and there was no way he was leaving this couch before Adam was satisfied too.

Adam missed the full feeling right away.

Sauli sat up between his knees and Adam grabbed his hand, brining it down to his open hole,

“Your fingers.”

Sauli nodded, pushing three of his fingers inside. He knew how to curl them to hit that spot and it didn’t take a second until Adam was moaning shamelessly, hips moving on the couch.

“Your- Your other hand… Touch me.” Adam managed to stutter, tugging Sauli’s other hand down on his cock. He placed his hand on top of Sauli’s and set the tightness of the grip and showed him exactly how he liked it. Not that it would take long for him to come anyway but it was nice to be touched just the way you wanted.

Sauli started stroking him fast while rubbing his prostate. It was almost challenging to do both tasks at the same time, doing two different things with different hand motions. Fortunately Sauli was good that way.

Adam was able to keep the eye contact only for a few seconds. Then he tossed his head back, eyes closed in bliss and moans pouring out of his lips. His back was arched in a beautiful curve, hands on his own body.

Sauli adored the sight. He watched as Adam teased his nipples with one hand while the other one was caressing his own stomach, touching over the scars as well.

Sauli swiped his thumb over the wet tip of Adam’s cock and rubbed the underside of the head. He could see the tension forming on Adam’s face, his thighs clamping on his sides. The curve of his back increased and he dropped his hand down to squeeze his own thighs.

He shot his loads on his own stomach and Sauli’s fist, and the moan he let out when he came was music to Sauli’s ears. It was surprisingly soft and delicate considering the way his body was restless and wild. Just plain beautiful.

Sauli kept rubbing the base of his cock, milking every last drop out of his body. The touch was obscenely slick. He curled his fingers inside once more, tearing a surprised gasp out of Adam.

Sauli smiled, still petting Adam’s slowly softening length.

He stopped only when Adam’s body jerked in protest and he hissed in discomfort. Adam opened his eyes in time to see Sauli lick his own fingers clean, and his cock gave a curious twitch at that.

Sauli liked his unique taste.

He then kissed the side of Adam’s knee, then leaned over to kiss his lips too. Adam kissed back lazily, satisfaction tiring every muscle in his body.

“Stay right there. I’m gonna get something to clean us up a bit.” Sauli smiled, pressing a kiss on Adam’s forehead.

Adam nodded, smiling as he flexed his toes.

~*~

It was quiet.

For the first time in years, silence didn't feel like a threat. It wasn't scary. It didn't scream hurtful things and ruthful truths of anything.

It just was. Lying light over the room.

"You're lost in your thoughts." Adam heard Sauli whisper, and felt a kiss on his chest. It was a dreamy, lingering kiss on his sweaty skin.

"Sorry." Adam said, squeezing Sauli against his side.

Sauli hummed in quiet laughter, a wordless forgiveness, and threw his arm over Adam's stomach,

"No need to apologize. What are you so fond of thinking right now though?"

"Just... This surprising turn of events." Adam said in a quiet voice, looking at the ceiling. He felt Sauli's eyelashes flutter against his chest, and it always managed to pull him out of his thoughts. Just for a second though. Unlike usually, the thoughts had a lighter shade to them.

"Tell me more." Sauli said, drawing circles and other small patterns on Adam's skin, watching how the sweat caused them to be visible.

"It's quiet in my head" Adam whispered, frowning a little before he let out a chuckle, "Now I sound like I'm crazy... With voices in my head and shit."

"No, no." Sauli assured and propped his head up to get a proper look of Adam's eyes, "Tell me. Explain to me."

Adam sighed quietly, stopping Sauli's hand on his skin and pressing his own on top of it.

"I'm not saying I hear voices like some schizophrenic. It's just my own head telling me things, making me feel worthless. But now I'm awfully nice to myself." Adam explained, small smile decorating his afterglow face, "I still sound like I have two personalities."

"But I still understand what you mean." Sauli said, "Do you know what my mom taught me when I was a teenager?"

"Hm?"

"That sometimes you feel like everything is crashing around you, and you think you have the worst luck, worst karma, worst everything in the world. You look around you, thinking all those people are happier, skinnier, healthier, just simply _better_ than you. But there is always someone who has things worse than you. You know why is that?" Sauli asked, stroking a lock of sweaty hair off of Adam's forehead.

Adam just looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"Because all those people think exactly the same as you. You may feel like there is absolutely no one out there who could have it as bad as you. But there are millions of people who feel the same, therefore there is always someone who has it worse than you."

Adam's mouth twitched in a small smile, and he squeezed Sauli's hand,

"Your mother seems like a wise person."

"She is," Sauli said immediately, "So I pass the knowledge to you." he winked.

Adam chuckled, pressing a kiss on top of Sauli's head when he lowered himself back on his chest.

"But that's a good point of view to have. I'm not saying I have the worst life though, there are always hungry kids in Africa or people living in war countries. That's why I sometimes fear I come off as ungrateful."

Sauli propped himself up once again, pressing a finger on Adam's lips before he could say more non-sense like that.

"None of that. We all have a right to feel hurt. There are things that are no big deal to someone... but to someone else, it could mean the world. I'm praying for you to see it."

Adam removed Sauli's finger from his lips, and kissed it.

"I know. With you I believe I can do anything."

"Aww." Sauli sighed with a smile, and pulled his hand free. He leaned down to kiss the tip of Adam's nose, a small affectionate gesture.

Then Adam got serious again.

“I’ve had all these fake people around me. Old friends and relatives I haven’t seen in years, started calling and texting me when I got my first Grammy. It _will_ make you feel like all they are interested in is material. Money has an awful effect on people.” Adam said with a dim glow in his eyes, the light in them suddenly gone, “It’s almost like I could buy these people in my life. And it’s just sad. If I was just a regular bloke no one would care. They think I have everything. No one wants to dig any deeper to see the truth.”

Sauli tipped Adam’s head so he could look into his eyes. Adam felt like he had seen that expression on Sauli’s face way too often by now, he always had to assure him about things to the point of getting tired of it.

“What I want from you... Money can’t buy those things. And what I want to give to you, money can’t buy those either. Things like companionship, friendship, affection, attraction... And love. I think I know you well enough by now to know that you don’t consider yourself very happy.”

Adam shrugged, sighing. He stared at the ceiling again. He felt so light a few minutes ago, why did he have to ruin it by brining all of this stuff up yet again,

“I’m lucky. I’m lucky to be able to make music as my job. I love my job. I love my fans. But it’s hard to keep your feet steady on the ground with all the fuss around you. Someone who would keep me grounded... I’ve never had that someone. My friends in a way were. But as you know, I managed to push them away.”

Sauli bit his lip,

“You could always get them back. You could just call them. Starting from Danielle.”

Adam let out a heavy exhale, slightly shaking his head,

“I don’t even know what I would say.”

“What would you _want_ to say?” Sauli asked, bringing his hand up to pet Adam’s hair. It was just something he loved doing. He had learnt it comforted them both some way.

“That I miss her. And that I need her. That I’m sorry for hurting her. And that I want to change my behavior.”

“Then that’s _exactly_ what you say to her.” Sauli smiled, “Tomorrow. You’ll call her.”

Adam was about to protest, mouth already open, but Sauli interrupted before he could utter a word,

“You _need_ her if you want to get better.” He pointed out.

“I guess you’re right.” Adam said with a sigh, “It’s annoying how often you’re right.”

Sauli chuckled and poked Adam in the ribs. Adam snickered, swatting his hand away.

“Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow?” Sauli asked.

“Tell me.”

“I need to break up with my fiancé.” Sauli informed.

Adam all but beamed, relaxation and bliss glowing on his face. It was something Sauli wasn't used to seeing, but something he would love to get used to.

Sauli hummed, kissing his cheek, his chin and his neck playfully. Adam giggled, baring more of his throat.

"I could eat you up." Sauli murmured, biting Adam's neck. Adam squeaked before breaking into airy, bright laughter when Sauli kept biting his sensitive skin playfully.

Sauli grinned, giving Adam's collarbone one final nibble where he had sucked a hickey earlier.

"I love hearing you laugh." Sauli informed, eyeing Adam's body curiously, "Are you ticklish?"

"Sauli, no, please don't." Adam pleaded, trying to move away from Sauli's already poised, wiggling fingers, "Don't you dare!"

Sauli didn't listen.

~*~ 

Adam shut off his ipad and tossed it on the couch beside him. It wasn't working. He couldn't just sit down and start writing lyrics, it didn't work that way.

It only made him want to rip his hair off his head.

His phone rang on the table and he reached over to grab it, seeing Sauli's name on the caller ID.

"Hello."

"Adam?"

Sauli sounded funny. Obviously he was upset, assuming he just broke up with his fiance.

"You alright?"

_"I'll live. Could use a place to stay in, though. Hotels nearby are too expensive."_

"Of course. Where are you? I can pick you up."

_"At the Boulevard street, near Katsuya."_

"I'll be there in a second." Adam reassured. He disconnected, grabbed a leather jacket from his closet and hurried downstairs. He hunted down his carkeys, a pair of sunglasses, and his phone and left.

Driving to Katsuya didn't take long but it was always packed with paparazzi. But it wasn't like Adam could go anywhere without them following so who cares? The media will probably go nuts but no can do. He was used to it. And Sauli said that he simply didn't care.

Adam parked his car a little further away from the restaurant to avoid the ambush but as usual someone _always_ recognised him. Sauli was standing nearby.

He felt bad when the flashes of cameras surrounded him the second he stepped out.

"Looking good today, Adam!" One of them exclaimed, nearly shoving the camera in his face.

"Hey guys, how are you?" Adam responded with a smile and opened the passenger's door of his car, gently pushing Sauli inside.

Adam ignored everything they asked or said. He could be nice to them if he wanted to but now he just wasn't in the mood to play happy popstar.

Adam got inside the car too, the seconds spent under the glaring flashes feeling like agonizingly long minutes and he didn't waste a second driving off.

"Sorry about that." Adam said then, almost breathless, and glanced at Sauli, seeing the expression on his face was more than just a little shocked, "They can be worse. Much worse"

"I can imagine." Sauli said, "It's okay though. Don't worry about."

Adam made a face, not wanting to argue if Sauli really felt like it was no big deal.

"Where's all your stuff though?" He asked, glancing at Sauli again. Sauli fidgetted, remaining silent and avoiding Adam's eyes.

Adam frowned, "You alright? You _did_ break up with him... right?"

"I did. I just... Quite of a long story."

"I have time." Adam said, reaching out turn down the radio.

"Let's talk once we get to your place." Sauli said.

Adam sighed and nodded, trying not to get too worked up about the situation and the way Sauli acted. This wasn't like him.

Sure he broke things off with his fiance but Adam never imagined it would shake him this bad. Considering he had waited to _'get rid'_ of him for so long.

Sauli was silent for the rest of the drive. And if that wasn't alarming, nothing else was. Silence didn't bother Adam when it was Sauli sharing it; they've spent beautiful silent moments together, but this was different. The atmosphere was heavy and tense.

Once the door shut behind them and they were inside, Adam pressed Sauli against the wall, placing his arms on both sides of his head.

"What happened?" He asked, eyeing Sauli intensely. Sauli avoided his eyes again, and Adam had to dip his head to look into them. Then he saw something, "What happened to your face?"

He placed two fingers beneath Sauli's chin and turned his head,

"Sauli why is your cheek so red?" Adam asked, his frown getting deeper. He had his doubts but he wished for the name of God that he was wrong.

"Oh that? I just-"

The uneasiness was answer enough.

"He did this to you didn't he?" Adam asked. He turned Sauli's face again and looked into his eyes, "Didn't he?"

Sauli didn't know what to say. He just shrugged, not deying or confirming anything.

"Come" Adam said, taking Sauli's hand and pulling him to the living room. He sat him on the couch and crouched before him. Inside, there was a war going off in his head but he remained calm for Sauli's sake.

"Please. This isn't like you. What did he do?"

Sauli sighed, hoping he could still get away with this but there was no way Adam was going to let it go.

"He hit me. And it wasn't the first time."

"What...?" Adam couldn't wrap his head around what Sauli just said. He blinked, shaking his head in confusion, and his mouth worked silently for a minute before he could speak again, "How? I mean... He's done it before? Baby...Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was embarrased. Embarrassed to be stuck in a relationship with an abusive person." Sauli said and for the first time tonight, he looked into Adam's eyes, "So yeah. I wanted to tell you, I did, but I was ashamed."

"Fuck, I'm going to kill him." Adam said under his breath, standing up, "I'm going to rip his balls off."

Adam had heat in his eyes. Sauli wasn't sure if it was appropriate to think he was kind of hot right now.

"Calm down." He said instead.

"You're asking me to calm down?" Adam asked rather loudly, "This guy abused you. Mentally and physically. How am I supposed to stay calm? He hurt you. And that alone makes me want to hurt him."

Sauli wanted to smile but he didn't. Adam seriously needed to calm down a notch, his anger would only make things worse.

"But you're not going to." Sauli pointed out, "I'm fine, Adam. It was just a slap. He didn't throw me around or anything."

Adam exhaled, calming himself down a bit. He knew he wouldn't march to Jacob and punch his lights out, but he sure as hell wanted to.

"I mean, look at me. I could've defended myself, I just... It's embarrassing."

"Stop saying it's embarrassing. It's not." Adam assured and scooted on the couch, pulling Sauli against his chest, "And all this time you just worried about me even though you were going through all thid shit. I can't believe you didn't tell me."

Sauli squeezed Adam against him and inhaled his comforting scent.

"Just like you didn't tell me how you purged your dinner some while ago."

Sauli felt Adam's body tense as he slowly pulled away.

"H-how... How did you...?"

"I put two and two together. I'm not stupid." Sauli said.

Adam stood up, turning his back to Sauli. He covered his mouth in shock, not sure which was more shocking. The fact that Sauli knew about his freaky tendency or that Sauli had been through domestic violence.

"It's only occasional." He said weakly.

"So was this." Sauli said, "I'm not blaming you. I didn't want to pressure you, I thought that you will come to me eventually. I didn't poke around because I knew you weren't doing it regularly."

Adam sighed. He sat back on the couch.

"It had nothing to do with the trust we share. I was just too ashamed to tell you." Sauli said and grabbed Adam's hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing his knuckles, "I'm sorry."

"There is only person who should apologize and that person isn't you." Adam said, pulling his hand free and wrapping his arm protectively around Sauli, "And surprisingly, it's not me either."

Sauli smiled, glancing at Adam's face,

"Good boy."

Adam chuckled.

"You sure you're okay?" He asked, "I mean that stuff is pretty heavy."

"I'm fine. Now that I'm with you." Sauli beamed, wrapping his arms around Adam's waist and giving his body a firm, affectionate squeeze, "I love you."

"I love you more" Adam smiled, kissing the top of Sauli's head, "But still, what are you going to do with him? Any charges?"

Sauli groaned, pushing Adam down on the couch and hiding his face in his chest. Adam chuckled, still hugging him close.

"I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to ruin his life. All he ever did was slap me or grab me by the arms hard enough to leave bruises."

Adam sighed,

"But it could get worse. Someone else might fall for him. And what if something worse happened to them?"

Sauli didn't really want to think about it. He'd be more hurt emotionally if he had hit him worse. Now he was mostly just mad at Jacob _and_ himself for not being able to call it quits earlier.

"I need some time to gather my thoughts." Sauli said.

"I understand."

"Did _you_ call Danielle though?" Sauli asked, changing the subject. He might have wanted to discuss Adam's dieting problems now that the door was opened a bit. But he believed Adam would approach him about it later.

"I did. Said she had waited for me to call her. We agreed to see each other when she returned from a weekend trip with her friends."

Danielle had been relieved to hear his voice. His real voice. All sober and vulnerable.

"That's great." Sauli smiled and raised his head enough to peck Adam's lips, "I'm proud of you."

Adam gave him a small smile.

"I have one question though," Sauli frowned, rolling on top of Adam, "Are we exclusive now? I mean... Are you my boyfriend?"

"Hmm, I don't know." Adam said thoughtfully, locking his hands on the small of Sauli's back, "You know what's gonna happen if I announce a relationship. Well, actually, you probably don't know. Nothing can prepare you for that kind of attention."

People will judge. People will hate. People will claim you're a fame whore. Or a gold digger.

"I can handle it." Sauli insisted, "I mean I'm not going to pressure _you_ into it if you feel like you don't want to." he added, pulling out a puppy pout.

Adam chuckled,

"I want to. Gosh, just let me climb on the roof and shout I'm in love. Finally someone lay their eyes on me and only me."

Sauli would have snickered if Adam didn't lock their lips and slowly flip them around.

~*~

Adam wasn't sure where Sauli had found a marker pen. And he most certainly wasn't sure what he was doing with it between his legs when Adam was still half sleep.

It was 11.30 in the morning.

"What the hell are you doing?" Adam asked, drowsiness and laziness clear in his voice. He cocked his eyebrow and raised his head from the pillow to see Sauli's focused face between his thighs.

”Hearts. With the names of people who care about you.” Sauli said thoughtfully, the tip of his tongue out of his mouth. He looked so focused on his small beloved task right now.

“Why, though?”

Sauli glanced into his eyes, only briefly, before returning his focus on his thighs.

“This cut wasn’t here the last time.” Sauli declared, a little darkly. Just seeing his face right now made Adam feel worse about his self-harm than he ever did before. He didn't want Sauli to be disappointed in him.

“I’m sorry… The whole situation with Danielle and I just- Before I called her, I just felt like-“

“You don’t have to explain. You really don’t.” Sauli interrupted and put the marker aside, blowing on the skin to make the marker dry faster, “But now you have us right here. So every time you try to hurt yourself, you will see our names. And if you cut through the lines of the heart... You’re hurting us too. You’ll remember that each time you do that or try to do that, you’re not the only person who gets hurt. It’s us.”

Adam looked pained and his hands shook as he brushed his hair off his face, and sat up. When Sauli put it like that, it sounded worse. Much worse. He knew he had driven people away from him but he was trying to fix it the best he could. He couldn’t handle losing Sauli because of his behavior. He just couldn’t. 

He never wanted to hurt anyone. But he just can't _stop_.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Sauli soothed, cupping Adam’s face between his palms and not letting him turn his head away, “It’s just a reminder. It doesn’t mean if you’ll do it, that I will leave. But I’d prefer not to find more of those. One baby step at a time.”

Adam nodded. Sauli kissed him between his eyebrows, and that was enough to calm Adam’s racing nerves down. Sauli let go of his face and scooted up from the bed. Adam already knew he was more of a morning person than him.

“I always imagined that when in a relationship I’d wake up to a blowjob and not my partner using a marker on my thighs.” Adam admitted with a wry grin. Sauli chuckled, pulling on a fresh pair of underwear.

“I can be a little unpredictable.” He said wickedly.

“So it would seem.” Adam said, dragging himself out of bed with not nearly as much energy as Sauli had. He made his way to his drawer and put on the first pair of briefs he happened to see.

Sauli thought his ass looked amazing. He wanted to compliment it instead of just staring at it but Adam turned around faster, smirking when he saw Sauli’s intense eyes.

Sauli just gave him a smirk in response and it made Adam feel all sorts of giddy.

Sauli used the bathroom while Adam found himself some comfy clothes he could wear before he had to attend an award event this evening. He could shower later before he had to go.

“I think I’m going to take a walk. Then I would appreciate it if you came with me to pick up my stuff from the flat.” Sauli said when he came out of the bathroom, a little unsure if Adam wanted to come with him or not. It might not be the most pleasant spot for him to face his violent ex and be the one who ‘took’ Sauli away from him.

“Don’t think I’m going to let you go alone.” Adam frowned, “Although there are only two possible endings; either I kill him or he kills me.” He added thoughtfully, pursing his lips.

“ _Or_ we can just grab my stuff and get the hell out. I don’t even know if he’s home. He probably drank himself to death last night anyway.” Sauli said, pulling on his jogging shorts.

Adam just hummed.

He sat back on the bed and grabbed his phone, browsing through his twitter, emails and Facebook. Sauli was trying to solve the mess that was his earphones.

When he got them untangled, he pulled out his cap from his bag and decided to skip the shirt because it looked like it was already warm, even hot outside.

"Before you go, I have something to tell you." Adam rushed out before it would be too late and then he would run away from the conversation again. He put his phone back on the nightstand.

"Yeah?" Sauli smiled, making sure his ipod was in his pocket.

"About what you said last night. About the... Way I tend to deal with my food sometimes. It was only a few times during the month. I haven't done it since." Adam said a little sheepishly, too vulnerable and uncertain for Sauli's liking.

"I believe you." Sauli said, walking up to Adam. He tipped Adam's head up by the chin, "But listen... things like that are always an alarming sign of something deeper. I know you have a lot on your soul but just to let you know, you can always come to me. I will always listen."

"I know." Adam whispered, wrapping his arms around Sauli's waist and pressing his cheek against the warmth of Sauli's abs, "You can talk to me too. Whenever you want to... And it doesn't have to be 'I am chasing a high from cutting my femoral artery' kind of shit."

"I know." Sauli chuckled, petting Adam's soft hair. He never got tired of how soft it felt when it was free of any products. No hairspray, hair gel or dry shampoo. Nothing else but his sleep-mussed locks.

"But I need to go now. I can't start my day without a walk. Unless I'm hungover." Sauli said, and Adam freed him from his arms, "Won't be long. I'll have breakfast when I come back."

"Okay. I'll just get on the treadmill." Adam sighed, making a face. He hated hiking in the heat because he always needed to wear a hoodie. Only the scars on his wrists could be concealed with his tattoos.

He's thought of a sleeve to cover them all up but what if he broke down and cut again?

"Someday, Adam." Sauli said, like he was reading his thoughts, "I promise. Just give it some time." he added, taking Adam's hand and leaning down to kiss the scars on his forearm.

The side of Adam's mouth twitched a little.

"You could still come you know." Sauli said.

"No. I'd have a heatstroke because I'd have to wear a hoodie." Adam pointed out, "Just go."

"Without one." Sauli cleared up, "Don't they... Don't they already know?"

Adam sighed.

"Yes. Yes, they've seen my forearms. But it won't change the way I feel about myself. Just go already, I'm fine."

Sauli didn't say anything, just gave him a dim smile. He was about to leave again when Adam talked,

"No, I'm not fine." He declared, "But I'll live. When we come back from your old flat... Can you make me call my manager to cancel everything I have arranged now? I need a break."

"I like how you think. Damn right you deserve it." Sauli murmured, walking back close to lock his arms around Adam.

"How about Tahiti? Or Bali?"

"Or Mexico?" Sauli added.

"Or all of those." Adam smiled, "With you."

"Of course."

~*~

After the walk, breakfast and some general cuddling and TV watching, Adam drove them to Sauli's ex' flat. Jacob was home but he was still sleeping so apparently he had had a fun night.

He woke up to the sounds though. He stood in the corner frozen still because Adam intimidated him into doing so. With those fiery eyes and grave voice, anyone would be frozen.

Sauli thought his posessive, protective side was kind of hot. And he was definitely going to tell Adam later in the evening.

After that, Adam had to do something he had refused to do in the past. Or more of like, didn't care to do in the past.

Take care of himself. It meant canceling his arranged appearances, concerts and interviews. And informing his fans that he was going to disappear for a while. He told them he needed a break for his own sake and that he was going to be spending less time on social media too.

They were sweetly understanding. And 100% sure he was going to spend it with the hot blonde.

Sauli had his chin on Adam's shoulder, lurking, when Adam browsed through his mentions.

"They're kinda like bombs."

"Oh, yeah." Adam said proudly, "They're awfully happy I am getting some."

Sauli laughed,

"How do they even know I'm coming with you? And how do they even know _me_?"

"They know _everything_."

"I doubt it." Sauli grinned, taking the phone out of Adam's hands and putting it aside, "They don't know I'm going to kiss you right now."

Sauli kissed away the grin that matched his own. He somehow managed to slide out between Adam and the headboard, and lower Adam on his back on the bed.

He left Adam's lips soon, grinning as he slid down between Adam's bent knees. Before they left the city for vacation, he could do plenty of this to relax Adam.

_Plenty_ of this. Sauli's life was pretty awesome. It took a full turn in such a short time. He hoped Adam's life coupd take one too.

That actually, honestly, meant more to him than his own. That was what you probably call love.

"Did you go down there just to admire the sight?"

Sauli snickered.

"I was just thinking how much I love you."

"Oh? I'm glad going down on me reminds you of that." Adam chuckled. He knew well enough by now that Sauli had other reasons to love him. He was happy they could joke about such things.

"Everything about you reminds me of that."

**EPILOGUE**

Adam was standing before the full length mirror. His make up was done, his hair was done and his outfit was on point. He had his favorite black jeans on and a black tanktop with a white print on the front.

His arms were covered in tattoos.

He let out a shuddering breath, scratching over the healed scars. It wasn't even itchy anymore.

He closed his eyes, soothing a hand over his stomach.

"You seem nervous." Brian May said, suddenly standing beside him, arms crossed like he had been there a while, studying Adam's body language.

"Do I? Not my thing to get nervous, remember?" Adam smiled, swiftly turning away to walk off but Brian grabbed his arm.

"Big artists always get nervous before they hit that stage.They always want to do it a little bit better than the last time. I know Freddie did." Brian said, watching Adam stare at the floor, "But you have always managed to hide it. Except that one time in Kiev."

Adam chuckled at the memory. He was a wreck backstage back then, almost wanting to run away from everything.

"But now I look at you and see that same kind of nervousness."

Adam sighed, his smile fading as soon as it had appeared. He raised his head to look at himself in the mirror again.

"This is my first show after a 10 month break. It feels like eternity since I had last sang in front of an audience so big. What if I no longer have the magic? I'm afraid that people will forget about me."

Brian gave him a knowing smile through the mirror, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"That's how I felt after Freddie had passed and we got on stage again. Would anyone come to see us? They did. Boy, they did. They still do. It's 30 000 people out there so they most definitely haven't forgotten us. Or you."

Brian noticed the way Adam kept scratching and touching his arms. Any second now, he'd put on the jacket. And he'd have a heatstroke from wearing it in that heat.

"I still look back at our conversation when you told me and Roger about your situation and that we'd have to cancel the shows."

"I'm sorry, I-"

Brian didn't let him even finish,

"None of that. We already told you then that it was alright. More than alright. We just kept asking you to play and tour and we were blind to everything that was happening underneath."

They were both shocked to hear it all. Self-harm, burn outs, anxiety. His disposition never really spoke any of it. Only a few times not long before Adam called. And it was that blonde guy who went to him one time.

"You couldn't have known."

"We could have asked."

"I wouldn't have talked." Adam pointed out with a shrug. Brian accepted the answer because he felt like it was really true.

"But I want you to know something," Brian started, "Sometimes our bodies know better. It puts up a wall, puts on a defense mechanism to protect our mind, our psyche. That's when we are in shock, unable to understand, to accept. Our body knows we couldn't deal with whatever it is that's bothering us. Then it removes the wall, and man, then it really hurts. It feels like it kills. But our body did it for a reason."

Adam looked at him, listening as the older and wiser man spoke to him,

"It knew we'd be ready to face it. It stings, it burns, it _hurts_... but we struggle through it. So never think your scars are something else than battle scars. They prove that you made it. You dealt with it your own way, but-"

"You still made it." Said Roger from somewhere, walking up to them and standing on Adam's other side. He shook him by the shoulder with a proud smile.

When Brian talked, Adam was sure he'd burst into tears. But now he chuckled, shaking his head before glancing at the mirror again. He stood between two iconic rockstars, a friendly reminder of what he has achieved.

And that he had indeed made it.

"You'll break a leg today won't you?" Roger asked, more of a declaration than question.

"I _will_." Adam said, though he was tempted to say try.

"Yes!" Brian smiled, high-fiving the young boy and squeezing his hand in encouragement. Roger did the same.

"There is that boy pacing behind your door by the way. Didn't step in because he knew Brian was here." Roger told Adam, "Great manners. Very funny guy, I talked to him a bit."

"He is. He's great." Adam smiled, "Takes care of my heart."

"We've noticed." Brian winked, "We'll give you some space." he said, leaving the room with Roger. Sauli rushed in right away, amazed by how gorgeous Adam looked.

"Do I look okay?" Adam asked.

"You look amazing."

"You promise?"

"Yes " Sauli smiled, walking to him and throwing his arms around Adam's neck, "So gorgeous the front row will faint." he murmured, pressing one kiss on Adam's lips.

Adam chuckled, pulling Sauli closer by the hips.

"Are you nervous?" Sauli asked, gazing into Adam's eyes.

"I was. But I'm not anymore." Adam admitted, "For a moment I couldn't believe how lucky I am. Yes I definitely had my bad moments... bad _years_ , but I'm still here. Lucky enough to call myself healthy."

Sauli smiled, agreeing. He pulled away to take both of Adam's hands, pressing them next to each and leaning down to kiss his forearms. At least two lingering kisses on both arms.

"I'm proud of you." Sauli said, standing up, "I love you."

"I love you too." Adam whispered. They shared a few gentle kisses before Adam turned towards the mirror again. Okay, he did look pretty good.

"Do you know why I'm lucky?" Sauli asked, pressing himself against Adam's back, a bit on the side so he could look at Adam in the mirror. He wrapped his arms around him, shirt riding up to expose the skin of Adam's stomach.

"Do tell me." Adam smiled, holding onto his arms, not bothered by the exposed skin.

"Because I'm lucky enough to call you mine." Sauli whispered, affectionately squeezing the body in his arms, "And mine only."

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Did you make it all the way down here? Well done!  
> Let me know down in the comments what you think, both positive and negative, but please don't say the fic sucks JUST because you don't like angsty stuff lol.  
> Now I am returning to One Step At a Time, and maybe a new chap for Something wrong and So Right as well. Maybe re-writing Miracles in Me. We'll see. I have time now. Too much almost.


End file.
